My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men of Genius – Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men of Genius

♫♪♫ (Real Men of Genius.) ♫♪♫

Today we salute you, Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer.

♫♪♫ (Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer!) ♫♪♫

You’re the greatest tactician of your generation, but you still wheeze when you walk more than twenty feet.

♫♪♫ (Give me an endurance check!) ♫♪♫

You can conquer a gargantuan white great wyrm, but you can’t seem to conquer a shower.

♫♪♫ (What IS that smell?) ♫♪♫

The only time you’ve seen a real woman is when that one lady accidentally wandered into your favorite gaming store that night.

♫♪♫ (A hush fell over the room!) ♫♪♫

So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer. Because Saturday night’s all right for imaginary fights.

♫♪♫ (Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer!) ♫♪♫


Instant Excuse Generator


After the long, hard winter we had, it’s nice to finally get some good weather. So nice, in fact, that it would be a shame to have to spend the whole day inside slaving away for The Man. We here at My Not So Humble Opinion understand your pain, and to help you out, we have created our patent-pending Instant Excuse Generator™.

Just select (or randomly choose!) one option from each list, and string together an excuse that any boss will buy! We guarantee that if you tell them one of these whoppers, not only will you not have to come in today, chances are good you’ll never have to worry about coming in ever again.

I was…

  • Accosted
  • Assaulted
  • Impregnated
  • Interrogated
  • Confused
  • Harassed
  • Tickled
  • Investigated
  • Detained
  • Mislead
  • Mugged
  • Teased
  • Yelled at

By…

  • Police
  • Soldiers
  • The NSA
  • Circus folk
  • Homeless people
  • Illegal aliens
  • Missionaries
  • Elvis impersonators
  • Intergalactic aliens
  • A sympathetic Jesus-like figure
  • Milli Vanilli
  • An international conglomerate of discount grocery store owners
  • Godzilla

As a result, I am…

  • Terrified
  • Injured
  • Befuddled
  • Delighted
  • Pregnant
  • Under arrest
  • Being punished
  • Mutating
  • Signing up for their newsletter
  • Their new leader
  • Joining the Hair Club for Men

As such, I will not be able to come in to work today, because I will be busy…

  • Filing a police report
  • Fleeing for my life
  • Ruling over my kingdom with an iron fist
  • Making peace in the Middle East
  • Suing for damages
  • Doing something unspeakable
  • Bathing in the warm, sweet glow of radiation
  • Writing a best-seller about the experience

My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius

♫♪♫ (Real Men and Women of Genius.) ♫♪♫

Today we salute you, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher.

♫♪♫(Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!)♫♪♫

Only you would choose to get a Master’s degree so you can go back to school… making minimum wage.

♫♪♫ (Sounds like a crappy deal!) ♫♪♫

Others might work for money or a cause, but you work for eighty screaming kids and their batshit crazy parents.
♫♪♫ (Not another email!) ♫♪♫

Sure, we talk a good game about the children being the future, but we’re still going to vote down every tax hike for education, and you soldier on anyway.

♫♪♫ (Not getting a raise!) ♫♪♫

So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher. Because at least summer is right around the corner.

♫♪♫ (Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!) ♫♪♫

 


Love is in the Air


Spring has at last sprung, and as the great cycle continues, so does a person’s fancy turn at this time of year to thoughts of love. But not everyone expresses that fancy in the same way. Let’s pause for a moment and consider how different folks might express themselves using a classic formula.

 

Atheist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

That has nothing to do with God, because He doesn’t exist.

 

Feminist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Infantilizing love poetry is a sign of the Patriarchy.

 

Surrealist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Green fish toaster.

 

Dog

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I already peed on them, are you gonna eat that?

 

Cat

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Who cares? Worship me.

 

Teacher

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Stop running in the halls and keep your hands to yourself.

 

Jewish Mother

Roses are red, violets are blue,

When are you going to come visit? And what, I don’t even get a phone call?

 

Engineer

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Redundancy is good, and violets are blue.

 

Anarcho-Capitalist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

You can have as many of each as you like for the right price.

 

Communist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I take them from the rich and give them to you.

 

Right Wing Radio Host

Roses are red, violets are blue,

We’d have more flowers if it weren’t for government regulations stifling American innovation; I personally blame Barrack HUSSEIN Obama and his kleptocratic cronies who insist on bleeding average Americans dry so they can support their bloated bureaucracy rather than let the free market decide what the people ACTUALLY want, unless of course that something happens to clash with my own personal morals and beliefs.

 

Left Wing Radio Host

Roses are red, violets are blue,

You’re listening to NPR.

 


Virginia Driving Test


Here at MNSHO, we have managed to obtain an advance copy of the recently updated Virginia written driver’s license test. I hate to say it, but this explains a lot.

 

Form VA-DMV-T-2014
Driver’s Licensure Test – Updated 2014

Please answer each of the following questions by circling the letter of the answer you believe to be correct. Please select only one answer for each question.

The left lane is…

a)      For passing
b)      Next to the right lane
c)      The lane I drive in when I feel like going slow and pissing people off

Turn signals should be used…

a)      To signal a turn
b)      To signal a lane change
c)      Intermittently and at random

Precipitation means you should…

a)      Drive more carefully
b)      Slow down
c)      Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Pedestrians are…

a)      Equally entitled to use the roads
b)      Subject to the same rules of the road as vehicles
c)      Speed bumps

Speed limits are…

a)      Mandatory
b)      For our safety
c)      A joke

The horn should be used to signal other drivers…

a)      Of an emergency
b)      Of a dangerous situation
c)      That they’re triggering your homicidal tendencies

The shoulder should be used for…

a)      Emergencies
b)      Letting emergency vehicles pass
c)      Getting around slower traffic

When an emergency vehicle is approaching, you should…

a)      Pull over and let it pass
b)      Take careful stock of your surroundings and make room in the least disruptive means available
c)      Get behind it and use it to get through traffic faster

When there is an accident on the side of the road, you should…

a)      Proceed normally
b)      Drive cautiously to avoid hurting emergency personnel
c)      Slow down to a crawl and gawk

Merging…

a)      Is a normal part of the driving experience
b)      Should be done with care
c)      Is for suckers

Answer key:

It doesn’t matter what they answered. As long as they didn’t smear feces on the paper, give them a driver’s license.


Headlines from the Future


In case you haven’t heard, David Koch “is donating a record $35 million to the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History”. The Hall of Dinosaurs will be closed for seven years for renovations.

Here are my predictions for headlines seven years from now:

From the right: “Patriot David Koch Saves Smithsonian Museum From Corrupt and Incompetent Federal Government”

From the left: “Koch Brothers Attempt to Buy Smithsonian Museum; ‘Hall of Dinosaurs’ Renamed ‘Koch Brothers Explain How God Created Oil’ “


I Think She’s Turning Japanese, I Really Think So


The latest kerfuffle to hit the net seems to be about Avril Lavigne and her new video “Hello Kitty”, and I can totally understand why. I mean seriously, did you see that hair? It’s like she went from punk rock to pop rocks!

Wait, I’m getting some new information in. Looks like the problem has nothing to do with her hair (except for some snarky comments from people who have no substantive criticism to offer) but rather that the whole thing is blatantly, screamingly racist and Avril should be ashamed of herself.

What? I sat through the whole video (admittedly on mute – I’m not a strong man), and despite thinking that Rainbow Brite threw up on her I didn’t see anything to particularly take issue with. So what’s the deal?

Here’s the thing: Americans, and particularly white Americans, are very sensitive and determined to take offense, especially if they can do so on behalf of someone else (it’s the new white person’s burden). The irony of course is that those most likely to try to police others in their actions are, as always, the least likely to bother actually getting more than a superficial understanding of the people and cultures they are trying to “protect” and “stand up for” (see how this sort of language subtly diminishes and disempowers those other cultures? Nah, neither do I.) So if someone is actually paying tribute or homage to that other culture or, god forbid, accurately reflecting it but doesn’t match the preconceived notions these folks have of what someone of that culture should look like (particularly their skin color, gender, features, etc.) then they are being racist.

Did you catch that? If you don’t look how we say you are supposed to look and you aren’t doing what we expect you to do, you’re the one who is being racist. Interesting turnabout there. And all in the name of “protecting” people from… what exactly? Damaging the culture? How exactly is Avril Levine or Miley Cyrus (to name another famous singer recently accused of “appropriation”) damaging the culture by trying to partake of it? (Okay, I wouldn’t want to be associated with Miley either, but still.) It’s not like anyone believes they invented it, nor are they claiming to have done so.

To those who would suggest that these cultural artifacts “belong” to one group or another exclusively, I say with all the eloquence I can muster: horseshit. Culture is a human artifact to be shared, manipulated, adapted, adopted, and remixed by other humans so that we can all grow and benefit from it. What would happen if white people tried to say, “Hey, we invented golf, it’s part of our culture and you can’t have it”? Oh wait, they did, and two things happened. First they got sued, and second Tiger Woods came in and made them all look like idiots.

I’ve “been” a lot of things in my life: preppy, nerd, punk, nerd, goth, nerd (seeing a theme here?), grunge kid, and Average White Guy™. Most all of those have been amalgamations of various different cultural influences, and none of them would exist if purists such as these had their way. Maybe instead of trying so hard to police the behavior of others, they should spend some time working on themselves.


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