Bobapalooza 2014: Clash of the Titans – The Final Bobapalooza


First I want to thank all of my wonderful contributors: Janet Currie Konigsberg, Matt Foster, Scott Soper, Yillah Natalia, and Marek Swiderski. You gave me a wide range of talent to choose from, and you make it worth it every year.

But that’s not what you came for. You came to see –

THE FINAL BOBAPALOOZA LINEUP!!!

That’s right, folks. You heard it here first: the Clash of the Titans is the ultimate and final Bobapalooza. As the Kurgan once said, “it’s better to burn out than to fade away.” But let us not dwell in sadness; let us instead revel in THE GREATEST BOBAPALOOZA EVER.

First we have the band that needs no introduction, but is going to get one anyway. The winner of the Clash of the Titans, and the headliner of Bobapalooza 2014: Pink Floyd! This was a hard-fought victory against some of the greatest artists of all time, and as a long time Floyd fan myself, I can’t deny being quite pleased to see them win. Their catalogue of legendary songs is extensive, and Dark Side of the Moon spent over 11 years on the Biilboard Top 200… consecutively. (It was on even longer if you tally the total time it spent there, and Billboard actually changed the rules to prevent albums setting records like that again.) Titans indeed.

And then we have the STAGE OF LEGENDS. This year I offer you a blend of old and new, heavy and soft, sweet and sour and what the hell? Bands that have undoubtedly left their mark on music, one way or another. They are:

Jefferson Airplane (Nominated by Scott Soper) – From Scott: “Go big or go home. When it comes to the one band you’d break your leg to go see in their prime it has to be Jefferson Airplane. Maybe they’re so compelling because they broke up so tragically and never got a chance to perform for so many of their fans. So many songs were at peak power when those artists were just starting out; you can only imagine what they might have done with more time.”

AC/DC (Nominated by Matt Foster) – You have to love AC/DC. Angus Young himself said “I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” And we still keep coming back for more. The stage show is even better: “When I’m on stage the savage in me is released. It’s like going back to being a cave man. It takes me six hours to come down after a show.” – Angus Young

Weezer (Nominated by Matt Foster, seconded by Janet Currie Konigsberg) – Weezer has long been one of those bands I love to hate, right up until one of their songs comes on and I find myself singing along. How long? Oh, only about twenty years or so. Janet Currie Konigsberg finally convinced me they deserve a place among the Legends: “Twenty years ago Weezer came on the scene with Undone (The Sweater Song), and immediately filled the gap between Nirvana and Pearl Jam perfecting Nerd Rock. As each single was released, Weezer’s fan base grew by leaps and bounds. The crunchy chords and heart-wrenching vocals spoke to post teenage-angst 20-something slackers. I’ve always referred to Weezer as “My Beatles”; they are pop and punk and bubblegum and crunch, they are raw emotion and ADHD. The songs range from kick-ass-psych-you-up (Hash Pipe), to how-did-you-know-how-broke-my-heart-was?? (Say It Ain’t So), to romantic-but-the-world-doesn’t-understand-us (Island In The Sun), to I’m-not-really-sure-what-the-purpose-is-but-dammit-I’m-ME! (Pork and Beans). On top of great music, catchy lyrics, and a beat you can dance to, Weezer has made some of the best music videos of all time and managed to do so in an era where music videos have almost completely lost their importance in pop culture. Weezer: No self-respecting Stage of Legends (or Main Stage, for that matter!) would be complete without them.”

So…. Yeah. You can argue with her if you want. Not me.

Black Sabbath (Nominated by Scott Soper) – Scott nails it once again: “When it comes to Legends, there is one who has retained his title as the Prince of Darkness unchallenged across decades of American Popular Rock. The one, the only: Black Sabbath! Ozzy Osborne by himself would be a worthy contender for the Stage of Legends, but reunited with the original Black Sabbath for the new album 13 he seems completely at home, a master having traveled full circle. I would NOT go back in time to see Black Sabbath at their prime, and maybe that’s another test passed for a true Legendary band.

Simon & Garfunkel (Nominated by Matt Foster) – Everybody knows a Simon & Garfunkel song. Start whistling “The Sound of Silence” at a punk rock show and everybody around you will be singing along inside of a minute (if they don’t curbstomp you first; they’re still punks). From hippies to metal heads, there’s nobody who doesn’t like Simon & Garfunkel; they have a gentle, insistent sound that insinuates itself into your soul and makes you a better person for it.

Now you’re probably expecting the Main Stage, but there’s so much more this year! For the first time ever, I present to you THE BOBAPALOOZA MIDWAY!

When you get the urge to dance, slip in to the ALL NIGHT RAVE TENT, with special guest DJ RUST-RYU (http://www.mixcloud.com/rustryu/bangers-and-mashups/)! He’ll be spinning all night long, and of course he’s super request-friendly!

And don’t forget to stop by Uncle Scott’s Concession Stand, where you can pick up fresh kabobs, veggie treats, and of course all your favorite Bobapalooza swag (http://www.printfection.com/bobapalooza)! Uncle Scott will also be running his favorite (exceptionally weird) videos on his Jumbo-Tron monitor right over the concession stand! Here’s just some of the “fun” in store for you:

Disturbed – Land of Confusion (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6KXgjLqSTg)
Capital Cities – Safe and Sound (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX54fWP-os4)
Imagine Dragons – Radioactive (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktvTqknDobU)
AWOLNation – Not Your Fault (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm9-yVdxbSs)
Gorillaz – Clint Eastwood (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoQYw49saqc)
Ludo – Love Me Dead (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XH3oMNKApI#t=92)
Muse – Knights of Cydonia (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3Yc3HhSl1Q#t=87)
Primus – Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYDfwUJzYQg&feature=kp)
Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghb6eDopW8I#t=71)
El Guincho – Bombay (NSFW) (http://vimeo.com/15247292)
DYE – Fantasy (http://vimeo.com/30798517)

And now, the MAIN STAGE! There’s plenty of variety and flavor this year, and many thanks to everyone who contributed.

The Thermals (Nominated by Janet Currie Konigsberg)
Boney M (Nominated by Marek Swiderski)
The Cult (Nominated by Matt Foster)
George Thorogood (Nominated by Scott Soper)
Kae Sun (Nominated by Yillah Natalie)
Metric (Nominated by Janet Currie Konigsberg)
Disturbed (Nominated by Matt Foster)
Al Green (Nominated by Scott Soper)
Sitali (Nominated by Yillah Natalie)
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (Nominated by Janet Currie Konigsberg)
The Black Keys (Nominated by Matt Foster)
Soundgarden (Nominated by Scott Soper)
Petite Noir (Nominated by Yillah Natalie)
James (Nominated by Matt Foster)
DJ Kool (Nominated by Scott Soper)

Be sure to check out all these artists and support their endeavors. The Official Bobapalooza 2014 Playlist™ is still to come, so stay tuned!

Once again, I’d like to thank all of my wonderful contributors from Bobapalooza past and present. You’ve made this entire endeavor worthwhile, and it’s been a blast. I hope you’ve all enjoyed it as much as I have.


Bobapalooza 2014: Clash of the Titans!


The time has come at last for the next installment of the greatest music festival that never was: Bobapalooza 2014! This year we’re taking it to a whole new level. It’s not just legendary; it’s TITANIC.

BobapaloozaClash_of_the_Titans (1)

So here’s the deal: I’ve been sharing my musical past with all of you for a while now, and it’s time to broaden my horizons. I’m looking for new music, and I’m hoping you, yes, YOU will provide it. Specifically, I’m giving ANYONE the chance to get me to listen to the music you love.

Here’s how it works: imagine you’ve heard about a music festival coming to town, and on the list of bands is THE band. The one that makes you say, “I don’t care what the ticket price is, I will sell my own children if I have to, I MUST BE THERE.” Any band, any era, living or dead, still together or not. Pick your favorite song and post it to the Facebook event page for Bobapalooza 2014.

But wait, there’s more! Some of you may remember the Stage of Legends from past Bobapaloozas (2011, 2012, 2013). It’s back once again, and there are five brand-spanking new Legend spots up for grabs! That’s right, not only can you nominate your favorite garage band for the main stage, you can nominate your favorite garage band to be a Bobapalooza Legend!

BUT WE’RE NOT STOPPING THERE. Even among the Legends, there are a rare few who have changed the face of music as we know it. They’re not just Legends, they’re Titans. And this time, they’re going to go head to head to see who is the one true greatest music act of all time, to secure the honor of headlining this year’s Bobapalooza! What’s more, you nominated them, so YOU decide who wins!

Now the rules:

MAIN STAGE

1. You have to pick a band you would sit through the entire set. Not “I love this song!” I want “I love this band!”
2. Yes, you can post as many as you like, but really, how many bands are THAT good?
3. If you intend to post more than one, please don’t spam the feed (more than 10 bands a day from one person is a bit much. I do have a life. And see 1 & 2.)
4. If you post it I will listen to it, so please, be gentle.
5. Please note that this is a Main Stage entry.
6. Any band that made it to the show in 2011, 2012, or 2013 (main stage or Stage of Legends) will not be considered for the main stage this year.

STAGE OF LEGENDS

1. All of the rules for Main Stage apply, only even more. I mean, think about 1 & 2 especially. These guys are supposed to be LEGENDS.
2. Testify! Tell me (and the world!) why you think this band deserves to be named a Legend. For an idea of the sort of thing I have in mind look at the write up from Bobapaloozas Past.
3. Any band that made it to the Stage of Legends in 2011, 2012, or 2013 will not be considered this year, however Main Stage acts may still be nominated.
4. Just as Master Yoda told us, “Do, or do not; there is no try.” Once a band has been nominated for the Stage of Legends, they are no longer in the running for the main stage. The whole point of the SoL is to give a fair shot to lesser known bands. If you think your favorite band has what it takes to compete with the big boys, put ‘em in, but don’t hedge your bets. Go big or stay home.

ALL NEW! CLASH OF THE TITANS

1. The match-ups were determined by hacking into the NCAA’s computers and using the same secret algorithms they use for ranking college sports teams. (My lawyer insisted I add the following discalimer: This is a total lie, but it sounds a lot cooler than the truth, so go with me on this one.)
2. Vote by visiting http://tinyurl.com/lwm79nw.
3. The polls open June 2nd (that’s today!). Each round will last for three days, with a day break in between to update the results.
4. Visit http://tinyurl.com/ktevstr to see the current state of the contest at any time!
5. Just like high school, this is a popularity contest, so vote early and vote often!

Starting June 18 I will decide who the winners are, and I will post my fifteen favorite bands for the main stage and the five act Stage of Legends, as well as The Titan of Bobapalooza 2014 by June 25 (Flying Spaghetti Monster willing). I will also give credit to the first person who suggested them, so get in early for your shot at fame!

If you still have questions, please feel free to comment on this blog post or on the Facebook event page. Insightful questions will receive careful, well-thought out answers. Off-hand questions will get off-hand answers. Questions that prove you didn’t bother to read everything I already wrote will be met with shame and ridicule, not necessarily in that order.

For those about to rock: we salute you!


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men of Genius – Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men of Genius

♫♪♫ (Real Men of Genius.) ♫♪♫

Today we salute you, Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer.

♫♪♫ (Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer!) ♫♪♫

You’re the greatest tactician of your generation, but you still wheeze when you walk more than twenty feet.

♫♪♫ (Give me an endurance check!) ♫♪♫

You can conquer a gargantuan white great wyrm, but you can’t seem to conquer a shower.

♫♪♫ (What IS that smell?) ♫♪♫

The only time you’ve seen a real woman is when that one lady accidentally wandered into your favorite gaming store that night.

♫♪♫ (A hush fell over the room!) ♫♪♫

So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer. Because Saturday night’s all right for imaginary fights.

♫♪♫ (Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer!) ♫♪♫


Instant Excuse Generator


After the long, hard winter we had, it’s nice to finally get some good weather. So nice, in fact, that it would be a shame to have to spend the whole day inside slaving away for The Man. We here at My Not So Humble Opinion understand your pain, and to help you out, we have created our patent-pending Instant Excuse Generator™.

Just select (or randomly choose!) one option from each list, and string together an excuse that any boss will buy! We guarantee that if you tell them one of these whoppers, not only will you not have to come in today, chances are good you’ll never have to worry about coming in ever again.

I was…

  • Accosted
  • Assaulted
  • Impregnated
  • Interrogated
  • Confused
  • Harassed
  • Tickled
  • Investigated
  • Detained
  • Mislead
  • Mugged
  • Teased
  • Yelled at

By…

  • Police
  • Soldiers
  • The NSA
  • Circus folk
  • Homeless people
  • Illegal aliens
  • Missionaries
  • Elvis impersonators
  • Intergalactic aliens
  • A sympathetic Jesus-like figure
  • Milli Vanilli
  • An international conglomerate of discount grocery store owners
  • Godzilla

As a result, I am…

  • Terrified
  • Injured
  • Befuddled
  • Delighted
  • Pregnant
  • Under arrest
  • Being punished
  • Mutating
  • Signing up for their newsletter
  • Their new leader
  • Joining the Hair Club for Men

As such, I will not be able to come in to work today, because I will be busy…

  • Filing a police report
  • Fleeing for my life
  • Ruling over my kingdom with an iron fist
  • Making peace in the Middle East
  • Suing for damages
  • Doing something unspeakable
  • Bathing in the warm, sweet glow of radiation
  • Writing a best-seller about the experience

Ol’ Man Winter


Ol’ man Winter,
Dat ol man Winter,
He act like a playa,
But he mus’ be a hater,
He jes’ keeps trollin’
He keeps on trollin’ along.

He don’ like birdies,
He don’ like flowers,
An’ dem dat likes ‘em
Is shovelin’ fo’ hours.
But ol’man Winter,
He jes keeps trollin’along.

You an’me, we sweat an’ strain,
Body all achin’ an’ racket wid pain,
Tote dat salt!
Lif’ dat snow!
Drive on ice
An’ away you go.

Ah gits weary
An’ sick of tryin’
Ah’m tired of shovelin’
To the point of cryin’,
But ol’ man Winter,
He jes’keeps trollin’ along.

[musical interlude]

Don’t look up
An’ don’t look down,
You don’ want to see
De white stuff around.
Bend your knees
An’bow your head,
An’ lift that shovel
Until your dead.

Ol’ man Winter,
Dat ol man Winter,
He act like a playa,
But he mus’ be a hater,
He jes’ keeps trollin’
He keeps on trollin’ along.

Long ol’ Winter forever keeps trollin’ on…


My Favorite Comedy Movies (That You’ve Never Seen)


There are a lot of great comedies out there, well-known and deservedly so. Dr. Strangelove, Blazing Saddles, Airplane!, even Ghostbusters are all famous for making people laugh for decades. In the wake of the passing of comedy legend Harold Ramis, I’d like to take the opportunity to spotlight a few of my favorite comedies that aren’t so widely known, but deserve to be praised just the same.

Dr. Detroit (1983) – It only seems right to start with this 80’s gem that stars Ghostbusters co-star Dan Aykroyd as a college literature professor who gets suckered into “managing” four beautiful prostitutes in Chicago. (Once again, I am not making this up.) This movie is 80’s screwball comedy at its finest, with Dan Aykroyd turning in a stellar Jekyll-and-Hyde-esque performance, only in this case it’s all an act until the final reveal. Fans of 80’s beauties will be pleased to see Donna Dixon at her finest, and a young Fran Drescher takes a turn at the risqué long before her debut on The Nanny.

The Big Hit (1998) – Coming out in the same year as The Big Lewbowski, it seemed among my friends you could only love one of the “Bigs”, and personally I have never understood how anyone  can even sit through The Big Lebowski. But I digress. The Big Hit is a throwback to that 80’s screwball style, with class, gender, and role-reversals abounding throughout the film. In particular the concept of the sympathetic, pushover hitman is innovative and fun, and played with remarkable skill by Mark Wahlberg, while Lou Diamond Phillips turns in a surprisingly funny yet loathsome villain. Fans of One Crazy Summer or Better Off Dead will find a lot to like here (especially the “Trace Buster Buster”).

PCU (1994) – I know I said this was all because of Harold Ramis, and truly it was inspired by Harold Ramis, but the world is not about Harold Ramis. I only say this because I do not now nor have I ever been able to grasp the obsession some people seem to have with Animal House. There are a few good lines, but that’s it. The movie does nothing for me. Sorry, but that’s just how I feel. Maybe it’s a generational thing. As far as I’m concerned, you can keep Animal House. This is my offensive college movie of choice. Jeremy Piven as Droz represents the modern character of the “big man on campus”, slightly rumpled, disheveled, and a few years past the prime of what a college student should be. The exaggeration of the oppressive PC culture on display is (sadly) even closer to the mark today than it was when the film was first released (although nobody is spared the barb, even the protagonists). Unabashedly rude, shamelessly corrupting, and magnificently over the top, I recommend this film to anyone who can laugh at themselves.


Bobapalooza 2013: The Playlist and the Loot!


Hello everyone and welcome back to The Greatest Music Festival That Never Was! I know most of you are freezing right along with me and it’s hard to remember those soft, warm summer days when we all got together and basked in the glow of our shared love of music and good times. But that’s why I’m here today! To remind you of the joy, the laughter, the fun.

And to pimp my wares.

That’s right, Bobapalooza is selling out, just like all your favorite bands! But first, the moment you’ve all been waiting for:

The Official 2013 Bobapalooza 2013 Playlist

The Doors – Break On Through
Nirvana – In Bloom
Death – Politicians in My Eyes
The Heavy – Short Change Hero
Preston Reed – Ladies Night
Divine Fits – Civilian Stripes
Awol Nation – Not Your Fault
Matsiyahu – King Without a Crown
Sting – Desert Rose
Garbage – #1 Crush
KMFDM – Juke Joint Jezebel
Nine Inch Nails – Head Like a Hole
Animal Collective – My Girls
Axis of Awesome – King of the Hipsters
Nirvana – All Apologies
Volbeat – Sad Man’s Tongue
Johnny Cash – Ring of Fire
K’Naan – Take a Minute
Sting – If You Love Somebody (Set Them Free)
Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass
Dream Theater – Pull Me Under
Nine Inch Nails – The Hand That Feeds
Johnny Cash – Hurt
The Doors – Riders on the Storm

In many ways this is probably the most challenging playlist for Bobapalooza to date. I feel it has levels of complexity and depth that have been missing from the others, and a richness of character that has only been hinted at before. Not only that, I actually had to go back and look over the nominations from last summer to put this list together, and I have to say again how overwhelmed I was and still am with the sheer quality of artists nominated for Bobapalooza. Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I turned down James Brown. THE GODFATHER OF SOUL. That’s how fierce this competition gets, and it’s all because of you, folks. Thanks for being a part of this.

And now for the part I’m most excited about: the Bobapalooza Swag Store is now open! Love the show? Get the gear! Show your support for the greatest music festival that never was! Remember, I only make a tiny little commission on every purchase, so make sure to buy a lot! Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell your frenemies!  I have no artistic integrity! The Bobapalooza Swag Store: Selling out since 2014.


Neverland University


Are you interested in making more money? Do you want a career, not just a job? Are you interested in finding a school that will provide you with a quality education at an affordable price? If so, consider Neverland University!

Our sprawling campus offers a diverse set of experiences for anyone, regardless of your field of study. Whether your interest is botany, culinary arts, or even military history there’s something for you here. We pride ourselves on maintaining an open and friendly atmosphere where none of our students is left to feel like an orphan.

For those who are interested in extracurricular activities, we have a wide range of options to choose from. The Lambda Betas are the most popular fraternity on campus, but there are plenty of other activities too. We maintain a Navy ROTC program, and from swimming to camping, there are all kinds of outdoor fun to be had. We’ve also recently changed our school mascot from the politically insensitive Indian to the environmentally conscious Crocodile. That hasn’t stopped us from maintaining a friendly rivalry with our neighboring school, the Buccaneers!

So if you’re serious about graduating from college while you’re still young enough to take advantage of your degree, just send your application to the second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning.


Planning My Midlife Crisis


As I stare down the barrel of “the Big 4-0”, I’ve been giving some serious thought to my midlife crisis. This is the sort of thing you only get to do once, and I really don’t want to screw it up. There are so many options, and I want to be able to look back on it and say, “yes, I made the right choice”, instead of being one of those pathetic guys who is even more morose and unhappy after the fact.

So far, I’ve identified the following broad categories of Midlife Crisis:

THE CLASSICAL: Go out and buy an expensive car that you can’t afford, probably a Mercedes-Benz. Tool around town in it. Act like a tool. Pretend this makes up for all the failed and waste dreams of your youth.

THE NEO-CLASSICAL: Go out and buy an expensive sports car that you can’t afford, probably a Ferrari. Zoom around town in it. Act like a tool. Pretend this makes up for all the failed and waste dreams of your youth.

THE MODERN: Get a mistress, preferably one who is much younger than you. Lavish her with money, gifts, and promises that you will divorce your wife. Pray that nobody ever catches you.

THE POST-MODERN: Get a trophy wife, preferably one who is much younger than you. Lavish her with money, gifts, and promises that you will never divorce her. Pray that nobody ever catches you.

THE NOUVEUAU: Quit your job and do something “that would make the 15-year-old me happy”. Wait for your wife to divorce you.

THE ART-NOUVEUAU: Quit your job and take a swing at whatever unrealistic artistic endeavor you abandoned sometime in your late teens or early twenties when you decided it was “time to get serious about life”.

THE HOBBYIST: Devote all of your time and energy to some sort of meaningless and quite possibly insanely dangerous hobby, such as skydiving, bear-baiting, or gardening (REAL gardeners know what I mean).

THE EXTREMIST: AKA The Sampler. Quit your job, divorce your trophy wife, and let your mistress drive your brand new Ferrari over a cliff while you both go skydiving out the open top.

 

While I’m more than a little tempted to go for The Neo-Classical, I somehow doubt My Not So Humble Wife would approve. Plus I can’t drive stick, so a Ferrari is kind of out of the question. Besides, I want to do something truly exceptional, something that will set me apart from all the other men who have gone before me and had midlife crises of quiet desperation.

And so I have set out a plan. A most audacious, stunning, some might say awful, plan. It is epic in scope, awe-inspiring in its execution, and if successful, will enshrine me in the annals of history:

[FILE CORRUPTED. 2179KB DATA DELETED]

And then, as I spike the head right there on live television, I’ll look straight into the camera an say with a smile, “I’m going to Disney World!” because, you know, sponsors.

So that’s my plan. Is it bold? Certainly. Is it insane? Probably. Is it illegal? In every country and jurisdiction on Earth, with the exception of two. But it will guarantee me immortality.

And isn’t that what it’s really about?


Return of the Mack


Admit it, you missed me.

Well, I have to say it’s nice to be back. I didn’t miss much, did I?

Almost 80 million with employer health care plans could have coverage canceled, experts predict

Okay, gonna regret missing that one. Lots of fodder for commentary there, but really, I’ve had my fun with Obamacare. It’s not like somebody died, amirite?

Nelson Mandela, anti-apartheid icon and father of modern South Africa, dies

Oh, come on. That’s just not fair. Well, there’s not really much I could have added to the chorus of voices around the world. What else you got?

Toronto’s Golem: Rob Ford delights Canadians by ending their centuries-long reputation for dorkiness.

Meh. Rob Ford was God’s way of mocking late night comedians. A walking slow pitch like that is the divine equivalent of saying “you suck at your job”. I’ll pass. It’s not like he was some sort of bizarre fusion of my two darkest obsessions.

NSA spied on ‘World of Warcraft,’ other online games, leaked documents show

What. The. Hell. The Guardian knew about this ever since Snowden dumped ALL the documents on them at once. They couldn’t break this story a few months earlier? Maybe a little later? I take this personally.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,163 other followers