Crazy Rich
Posted: May 15, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Musings | Tags: comedy, humor 1 Comment »One of my favorite conversation starters has always been to ask people what they would do if they were filthy rich, but excluding the boring stuff. Everybody says buy houses, cars, take care of family, whatever. I want to know about the crazy stuff people would do. What are the really wild, silly, or just plain idiotic things you would do if you had more money than sense?
Here’s my list.
First, I would have a mascot of myself designed. You know, the kind with the really big heads that they have at sporting events. It would look just like me, only bigger. Then I would pay someone to wear it and follow me around all day, trying to get people to cheer me on as I went about my daily routine. I might even hire a marching band to follow me around as well.
Does anyone else remember this commercial? I would do this. I would go to the nicest restaurant in Washington D.C. and I would totally do this. I would also treat the entire orchestra to dinner, because I’m that kind of guy.
I’d get a t-shirt cannon and launch t-shirts through the window of every Keynesian economist’s office that said “Sorry about breaking your window, but at least I’m stimulating the economy”.
I would have my own musical soundtrack, and it would be played by the group that would follow me everywhere. This group would, of course, be composed entirely of little people. Don’t ask me why.
I would offer to donate $1 to any politician’s re-election campaign for every foot of the highest skydive they do out of a moving airplane. There’s just one catch: their parachute would have to be packed by the poorest person they represent. Never let it be said I don’t have a sense of social justice.
I would donate $1,000,000 to the first Ivy League university that conferred an honorary doctorate on me. I’ve always wanted to be Doctor Bob. I’ve always wanted to bring down the tenor of the Ivy League even more.
I’d donate $5,000,000 to Oral Roberts University if they bestowed an honorary degree of divinity on me so I could be Reverend Bob. I would then turn around and donate $10,000,000 to the Anti-Defamation League and GLAD. Never let it be said I don’t have a vicious sense of humor.
Of course, the one I’m most famous for among friends and coworkers is Butter Bob.
Imagine, if you will, a statue of me (to help I’m about 5’9”, average middle aged Caucasian male) that’s 50 feet tall. Only this statue is carved entirely out of butter.
That’s Butter Bob.
My Not So Humble Wife wanted to be a part of it as well, so I decided she could have a macaroni statue that’s 49 ½ feet tall standing right next to mine, and we’ll have a statue of our dog carved out of Kraft powdered cheese mix next to it and a swimming pool of chilled milk next to that, so when Butter Bob inevitably melts and falls over it will create a grand cascade of mac and cheese goodness.
If anyone has their own fun ideas, please share!
The Soundtrack of My Life: LOL Albums
Posted: April 10, 2013 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Soundtrack of My Life | Tags: culture, entertainment, humor, music, pop culture, reviews 1 Comment »Music can be a lot of things: socially relevant, brain candy, the voice of a generation, or just an excuse to sit back and chill. One of the rarest things to find in music is humor. There’s an old saying that dates all the way back to vaudeville days: “dying is easy; comedy is hard.” I’ve made no secret of my love for good comedy, and there’s a handful of artists who have raised it beyond mere shtick to an art form (although in at least one case I’m sure there are those who would disagree with me).
“Weird” Al Yankovic – In 3-D: Let’s just deal with the elephant in the room first, shall we? My Not So Humble Sister hates “Weird” Al for much the same reason I hate Madonna: being exposed ad nauseum at a tender age. That and she just doesn’t get his humor. Admittedly he is best known for his satire, which compared to many satirists is surprisingly gentle (although I really don’t get his obsession with food), but for me some of his best work is his original songs. This was the first “Weird” Al album I ever owned, owing to the smash success of “Eat It”, and I listened to it constantly. I even auditioned for a high school musical with the song “Nature Trail to Hell” one year (yes, I got the part, no I don’t know why). “Weird” Al manages to be sharp, funny, and light without ever being vulgar, a fact which likely was a contributing factor to Michael Jackson giving him permission to use the same set from “Bad” for his parody “Fat” from a later album (and again with the eating obsession). While he’s not everyone’s cup of tea (sorry, couldn’t resist a food joke of my own), I still think this is arguably his best work. Be sure to check out “Midnight Star”, “Polkas on 45″, “King of Suede”, and of course “Nature Trail to Hell”.
They Might Be Giants – Flood: If you prefer your humor a little more highbrow (and perhaps a bit incomprehensible), I suggest They Might Be Giants. I’ll be the first to admit that it took me a while to warm up to this band. Yes, I was that guy. It seemed like every TMBG album I heard I had to listen to at least three times before I liked it or even got the joke. When it finally clicked for me, I couldn’t get enough. There’s a certain je ne sais quoi about their music that can’t really be defined. Some of it is clearly brilliant satire (“Particle Man” in particular) while other songs are either so deep they’re funny or so funny they’re deep (“Dead”). They even manage to get some social relevance into the mix with songs like “Your Racist Friend” and “Minimum Wage” while still maintaining a charming and offbeat style that I can’t define and absolutely love. In addition to the songs I already mentioned, I highly recommend the famous “Istanbul (Not Constantinople)”, “Women and Men”, and “Road Movie to Berlin”.
King Missile – The Way to Salvation: If They Might Be Giants isn’t incomprehensible enough for you, may I suggest King Missile? Where TMBG flirts with surrealism, King Missile seduces it, takes it to bed and calls it a dirty girl. To me, The Way to Salvation is to rock and roll what Andy Warhol was to art. Different? Sure. Strange? Arguably. Self-referential? On occasion. But undeniably brilliant. This album takes all kinds of tropes and inverts them back on themselves, playing with content, form and medium to create a sonic interpretation that ranges over a wide field of intellectual work. The end result is a mish-mash of different styles that somehow forms a novel, coherent album stronger than any one song would suggest. I’m particularly fond of the way they deliberately separated the two parts of “The Boy Who Ate Lasagna and Could Jump Over a Church”, creating a bifurcated narrative that is stronger thereby. Some of my other favorite tracks are “The Story of Willy”, “I Wish”, “The Indians”, “Sex With You”, and “Scotland”.
Tom Lehrer – That Was the Year That Was: Moving away from surrealism and squarely into the realm of “thinking man’s humor”, there’s Tom Lehrer. Lehrer has taught political science at MIT and mathematics at the University of California. Despite that, he’s actually a fair hand at the piano. While That Was the Year That Was as recorded live in 1965 and addressed news items of the day, the songs are still in many cases (sadly) relevant. He may be best known for his satirical “The Elements”, wherein he recites the elemental table to the tune of the “Major-General’s Song” from The Pirates of Penzance but, much like “Weird” Al after him, I much prefer his original work. While some of the songs are a bit dated, with a bit of imagination their key themes can be seen reflected in modern events, and others are still issues that are with us today. My personal favorites are “The Folk Song Army” (themes of which I can see reflected in the Occupy movement today), “Smut” (SOPA/CISPA and other attempts at regulating free speech), “Who’s Next?” (North Korea, Iran, and other countries that are actually name-checked in this song about nuclear proliferation), and “National Brotherhood Week” (a song about racism, religious intolerance, and other forms of social intolerance).
Pork It Up
Posted: March 29, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: budget, campaign finance reform, humor, politics, satire 7 Comments »(To the tune of “Tik Tok” by Kesha)
Wake up in the morning feeling like Maynard-Keynes,
I’m out the door, I got my glasses, I’m gonna make some Gs.
Before I leave stuff my pockets with plenty of Bens,
‘Cause in this city that’s the only way to make you some friends.
I’m calling Senators on the Hill, Hill,
Marking up a big bill, bill,
Trying to get my fill, fill.
Drop-dropping donations everywhere, where
Gotta use lots of care, care-
FEC’s starting to stare…
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up,
Tonight I’mma fight to get you to subsidize!
Tit for tat government is where the real power’s at!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
Ain’t got no values in the world, but got PAC money to spare.
They care to claim about folks back home but they’re already here.
Now the politicians line up ‘cause it’s close to an election
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they bring home the bacon.
I’m talking everybody getting new roads, roads,
Public television shows, shows,
Plus new portable phones, phones!
Now, now we’ll spend until the money runs out,
Or the voters come and shut us down, voters come and shut us down,
Voters shut us down, voters shut us do-
Higher tariffs! Subsidies! Smaller government? Please!
That ain’t right, I’mma fight against laws for sunlight!
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
D’s and R’s-
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
D’s and R’s-
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
With my hands up
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up!
No the debt don’t start ‘til I walk in.
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up,
Tonight I’mma fight to get you to subsidize!
Tit for tat government is where the real power’s at!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
Higher tariffs! Subsidies! Smaller government? Please!
That ain’t right, I’mma fight against laws for sunlight!
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
Bonsall’s Laws
Posted: March 14, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Musings | Tags: comedy, humor Leave a comment »The following are a list of observations defining life. Some are personal observations, while others are taken from outside sources. Thus, you might recognize some. Just because I didn’t notice it first doesn’t make it any less true.
- Hope was in Pandora’s box for a reason.
- No matter how good you think you are, there’s always someone faster, smarter, stronger and better. Moral: Don’t get cocky.
- Lest thou tempt the Fates, keep thy big mouth shut.
- It’s good to want things. It strengthens the soul.
- Anything is possible. Probable is another matter entirely.
- Always expect the worst. You’ll either be prepared or pleasantly surprised.
- There is no justice in the universe. The best you can hope for is revenge.
- A bad habit, once acquired, can never be lost, only replaced.
- Bitterness is the wellspring of creativity.
- It is morally wrong to let a fool keep his money.
- And it harm none, cover thy own ass shall be the whole of the law.
- Always start your day with a smile. Get it over with.
- If you never tried, you never failed.
- Be sure what you ask for is what you really want; you just might get it.
- There’s something to be said for ambiguity.
- The ease with which a man says “I love you” is inversely proportional to how much he means it.
- Violence is never the answer. it does, however, give you time to think about the answer.
- Polite conversation is anything but.
- Always have a good publicist, but never believe your own hype.
- A person’s guilt in any given situation is inversely proportional to the speed with which they deny it.
- Platitudes to the contrary not withstanding, even a coward dies but once.
- If you can’t stop in time, smile as you go under.
- When in doubt, lie. If you get caught, apologize. Never admit to doing it.
- It is better to look good than to feel good, and it is far better to feel good than to be good.
- Every man has his good reasons.
Bob For Dictator
Posted: March 11, 2013 Filed under: Humor | Tags: comedy, Hugo Chavez, humor, Venezeula Leave a comment »With the recent passing of Hugo Chavez, I’ve given more thought to my lifelong ambition of being world dictator. After all, I’d have to start somewhere, and while everyone dreams of starting big you don’t become head of Microsoft overnight. You have to work your way up, maybe be CEO of a little start-up or troubled firm first, prove yourself, and then you can move on to take over an established property. So with this new opening in Venezuela, I figured this might be my chance to prove I can do it.
I feel my qualifications are right in line with what it takes to be a first-class dictator. I have a firm grasp of basic economics combined with a sufficiently callous disregard for my fellow man that prevents me from being swayed by anecdotal evidence. I’m willing to listen to others but I still know how to make my own decisions. Both my friends and my enemies have described me as charming, and I have no issue dealing with problems in a ruthlessly efficient manner. I’ve been a student of political philosophy for years, and I use Machiavelli’s The Prince as a guide to management. I also love puppies.
You might think my past writings could present a problem to being world dictator, particularly with their focus on classical liberalism and individual rights. On the contrary! There is a long and honored history in the DIY dictatorship movement of positioning oneself as a “man of the people”, and the longer I can maintain that image, the farther I’ll go. Hugo Chavez pulled it off to the day he died! The best way to burnish this image is to get the endorsement of some vapid pop culture icon who wants to enhance their credentials on the world stage; I’m thinking Justin Bieber.
There is of course the language barrier to consider since I don’t speak Spanish, but I don’t see this as a challenge but rather an opportunity. As soon as I take over I will simply change the national language to English, which will open up a world of trade opportunities. There might be some difficulties for the populace at first, but growth can often be hard. The long-term value, particularly for me, is self-evident.
For those who are concerned I would allow the power to go to my head, I promise to stay true to my core values of economic freedom and prosperity. I would immediately privatize all national companies so as to allow the free market to determine the best use of resources. In order to allow those resources to find the most interested owners, I would of course have to privatize them in my own name at first, and then sell them off to the highest bidders. I would then use the money generated to fund a lavish lifestyle for myself, providing a sterling example to the people of Venezuela and the world of the benefits of free-market capitalism.
The only thing I see holding me back from all of this is the one thing that has prevented me from assuming my rightful role as world dictator all along: my lack of ambition. When you get down to it, I just down have the drive and energy to run an entire country by myself, let alone the entire world. What I’m really interested in doing is letting a bunch of other people make the big decisions while I ride around in a cool car, wear some swanky clothes, and let the masses adore me. I’d make a few appearances every now and then, wave to the people, and make a speech once a week or so.
Come to think of it, is that Pope gig still open?
Sequester Bop
Posted: February 27, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: humor, politics, satire, sequester, sequestration Leave a comment »Sequester Bop
(To the tune of The Ramones Blitzkrieg Bop)
Hey, ho! Let’s go! Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go! Hey, ho! Let’s go!
They’re selling us a party line. They’re gonna fix it this time.
Politicians losing their minds, Sequester Bop!
They’re running out of money, goin’ crazy down on K Street,
It’s gonna get real bloody, Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, blowing through the cash now!
What they want I don’t know, all revved up and nowhere to go!
GOP blames the Democrats, then they get it right back,
And now here comes the news flack, Sequester Bop!
They’re fleeing out of D.C., they’re selling out you and me,
The politics are plain to see, Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, stab us in the back now!
What they want, they don’t know, all revved up and nowhere to go!
Whether righty or a lefty, they don’t care about the country,
They’re screwing the economy, Sequester Bop!
They’re generating hot air, the truth is that they don’t care,
The people haven’t got a prayer! Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, pander to the base now!
Who they’re fooling I don’t know, but it’s time for them to go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Dating Advice From Classical Deities
Posted: February 13, 2013 Filed under: Culture, Dating, Humor | Tags: advice, culture, dating, humor, mythology 2 Comments »
Marie-Lan Nguyen / Wikimedia Commons (Public Domain)
Hera
Dear Hera,
I have been married for about six months now, and I’m starting to worry about my relationship. My husband and I used to go out all the time, but lately he stays late at work a lot, and when he comes home he just eats dinner and then watches TV until bedtime. He never seems to have time for me anymore, and on the weekend he goes out with his buddies. We don’t talk like we used to, and I’m afraid there may even be another woman. I’ve thought about looking through his email and his text messages, but if I didn’t find anything I’d feel like a horrible person, and if I did find something that would be even worse. I just don’t know what to do. Please help!
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Dear Concerned Matron,
It is an unfortunate fact that so many of our children have been raised on fairy tales to believe that all it takes is a magic ceremony to create the perfect circumstances for “happily ever after”. What the stories don’t prepare you for is the lifetime of work that follows. A marriage is more than simply living together in domestic bliss; it is a partnership, and one that must be cared for, nurtured, and treated well, lest it die from inattention. I am encouraged to hear you have not yet taken the irreversible step of violating your husband’s trust; a good marriage is built on trust and mutual respect, and once broken it can be almost impossible to recover. Believe in him, and surely you will be rewarded. Rather than snooping, try talking to him. Find a time when you can both be calm and relaxed and share your concerns; likely he has some of the same fears, and by sharing them you will strengthen your relationship. Confrontations don’t solve anything, but conversations can be the beginning of a better life for you both.
Tyr and Fenrir in for Our Fathers’ Godsaga by Viktor Rydberg/ Public Domain (Wikimedia Commons)
Fenrir
Dear Fenrir,
My family just doesn’t get me. They’re a bunch of straights, and I want to have fun while I’m still young enough to enjoy it! So I go out and have a good time, and yeah, I date some crazy women, but it’s not like I’m hurting anyone! I’m careful, I use protection, and we’re all consenting adults. Why can’t they just get off my back already?
Signed,
Black Sheep
Dear Wild Child,
Family, am I right? You get just a little bit out of line and they can’t wait to chain you down with responsibilities and their “vision” of what you should be. Here’s the thing though: they really do care about you, and even though you think you’re not hurting anyone, you also may not be looking at the bigger picture. Are you considering where you’ll be in five years, or fifty? Parties are great while they last, but sooner or later the party winds down, and they’re worried you’ll be the lone wolf without anyone to go home to. Give it some thought, let them know you understand their fears and show them you have a handle on where your life is headed, and maybe they won’t object so much if you go out and howl at the moon once in a while.
Huitzilopochtli
Huitzilopochtli, from the Codex Telleriano-Remensis (16th century) (Public domain/Wikimedia Commons)
Dear Huitzilopochtli,
My girlfriend and I are always fighting. I have no idea why. Sometimes I think we just like to fight. The making-up part is great, but I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. Half the time it seems like I’m in the doghouse for no reason at all, or just so she can lord it over me. I look at other guys’ relationships and it seems like this isn’t normal, so I’m wondering if it’s me, or us, or what. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired of Fighting
Dear Warrior of Love,
The question you should be asking yourself is not “is this worth it?” but rather “why did we get together in the first place?” If the sole reason for your relationship is to provide some sort of spark or antagonism that each of you craves, even subconsciously, you need to break it off for both of your sakes. An addiction to drama is an addiction like any other, and continuing to feed it is a sure path to self-destruction. If there is something genuine in the relationship, you need to rediscover what it is that you mean to each other and find ways of resolving your conflicts properly. Patience, understanding, and communication are the way to resolve disputes. Fighting only leads to more fighting.
Coyote
Curtis, Edward S. Indian Days of the Long Ago. Yonkers-on-Hudson: World Book Company, 1915. Page 84. (Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons)
Dear Coyote,
Theres a boy at school that is very good looking and very nice and all the girls like him and so do I and hes very nice and I think he might like me to but I dont know for sure and I’m not sure if I should ask him or not and even if I do I don’t know what to say and my mommy says I should play hard to get and I dont even knwo what that meens and I would like it if you could help me please thank you.
Your friend,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a rabbit that was out on the plains, and this rabbit wanted to get a particularly appealing looking plant to eat. He thought he was a clever rabbit, so he hid out behind a rock, and waited until the sun had almost set. When he thought the time was just right, he bounced over and went for it, figuring it was late enough the snakes wouldn’t be out but too early for the owls. Well, he was right, but he forgot about just one thing: I’m not an early riser. The point of the story is fortune favors the bold. Be honest, don’t play games, just go on up to that young man and let him know you like him. Best case you found yourself a fine young man. Worst case? You found out he’s got poor taste before it’s too late.
Other posts you might like:
Dating Advice from Philosophers
Dating Advice from Historical Figures
Dating Advice from Mythological Creatures
Bonus post: DIY Demotivators
Posted: February 7, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Satire | Tags: Demotivators, humor, satire Leave a comment »I was inspired recently to create a couple Demotivational posters. If you’re as much of a fan as I am (I’ve loved them ever since my sister got me a calendar several years ago), check ‘em out, and be sure to go buy some so they keep producing more!
Dating Advice From Mythological Creatures
Posted: December 3, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Dating, Humor | Tags: advice, culture, dating, humor, men, mythology, women 9 Comments »Medusa
Dear Medusa,
I’ve been dating this girl for a few weeks now, and at first things seemed really great, but lately things haven’t been going so well. She’s started to criticize the way I dress, the way I talk, and even the people I hang out with. I like her a lot and I want to make her happy, but I’m not really comfortable with the way she’s been acting lately. My friends say I should ditch her, but I don’t think they “get” her the way I do, you know? What should I do?
Signed,
Conflicted in Love
Dear Blinded by Lust,
I know you think you are in love, but the truth is you’re not. You are in lust. True love is something that you have with someone who not only accepts you for who you are, but embraces you that way, and loves you that way. They don’t have to love your friends the way you do, but they have to at least be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt as well. If you really want my advice, listen to your friends and leave this girl before you lose sight of the person you really are. Find a girl who isn’t going to try to change you into something that you’re not.
Sphinx
Dear Sphinx,
My boyfriend and I have a very rocky relationship. Sometimes things can be going along just fine, but then I’ll say something wrong and he’ll just fly off the handle. We’ll argue for a couple hours, and then we’ll realize that the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. We make up and things will be fine for a few weeks, but then it happens again. He doesn’t normally have a short temper, so I’m starting to think it’s me. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired of Fighting
Dear Pythia,
My first question would be why you go a few weeks without problems. If you find yourself walking around on eggshells trying to make him happy, then you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out before things escalate. However if it is as you say and it is simply a matter of the occasional argument, then I have to wonder what you’re not telling me. If there are major communication problems in your relationship, you need to either find a way to resolve them or else you need to find someone else. Clear communication, on both sides, is the key to any successful relationship. You don’t want to be with someone long-term who is going to bite your head off because you misunderstood something they said.
Pegasus
Dear Pegasus,
[Letter edited for privacy.] Should I or shouldn’t I?
Signed,
Conflicted
Dear Star Struck,
Nay.
Fates
Dear Fates,
I’ve just started dating the most amazing guy. He’s sweet, he’s kind, and he’s generous. We’ve only been together for a week, but I’m already pretty sure he could be “The One”. How do I know?
Signed,
Ready for Commitment
Dear Overeager,
Ah, to be young and in love. The whole world seems fresh and new, and everything is in harmony. While we understand the desire to press forward and seize the moment, to try and capture it and spin about it a cocoon of certainty to last the ages, the future is as uncertain and unconstant for men as it is for gods. The only sure path is to worry not what the future may hold, but rather to embrace the present, enjoy today for what it is, and let things develop as they will. Tomorrow will come soon enough.
Furies
Dear Furies,
My girlfriend hates my family. I mean, not just hates, but HATES my family. I can’t really blame her, they’ve always been mean to her, but I still love them; they’re my family, you know? She’s made an ultimatum this year: either I spend Christmas with her or my family, but if I pick them I better find another date for New Year’s, if you know what I mean. I just don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Pulled in Two Directions
Dear Inconstant Son,
We know all too well what it is you mean: that you are an ingrate. Your family has provided for you, nursed you, sheltered you, and you are unsure as to what your proper course of action is? For shame! You should be whipped and reviled! As for this wanton that would tear you from the loving arms of your family, be assured: anyone who would make you choose between them and your family is not worthwhile, and they have only given you the easiest choice you will ever have to make.
Mermaid
Deer Mermaid,
There was this boy I liked and he liked me and we liked each other I don’t just mean liked I mean REELY liked liked and then his mommy got a new job in another place and he had to move away and now I’m sad and what should I do?
Signed,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
You poor girl, there is nothing so wonderful as first love, nor is there anything so tragic as love’s first heartbreak. I too know all too well the inconsistencies of men; the sweet promises they whisper, and yet they never stay for long. Always they long for the things they have left behind: their treasures, their vessels, their air. Take strength from this, sweet Jenny, and learn from it. For even as you have loved and lost, surely you will love again, and as my dear mother used to say to me, “there are plenty of men upon the land.”
A Vote for Me is a Vote for America
Posted: October 22, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: America, comedy, culture, election, humor, politics, pop culture, popular culture, satire, voting 2 Comments »Early voting has begun, and so I have decided it’s time to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I was considering explaining my positions on various key issues, but after studying my opponents’ campaigns in depth I realized that was the wrong strategy. Instead I have decided to emulate their approach and connect with you, the voters. I’m going to explain why you should vote for me, because I’m one of you.
If you’re young, hey, I was young once. I get you. If you’re old, I plan to be old someday. And if you’re somewhere in between, that’s where I’m at right now.
If you’re a man, what a coincidence! So am I. And if you’re a woman, hey, let’s hear it for the X chromosome! You’ve got one, I’ve got one, you’ve got another one. It’s like we’re half-sisters!
If you’re poor, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. If you’re rich, I want to know what it’s like. And if you’re in the middle class, I probably live next door to you.
For the white people out there, nothing to worry about, I’m as white as Mitt Romney. And if you’re a minority, I spent a whole half-hour in Southeast D.C. once, so I can relate.
If you’re a college graduate, I’ve been to college. If you’re not a college graduate, neither am I! I’m the middle of the road candidate America has been crying out for.
Hablo español.
If there’s a cause you support, let me assure you that there’s twelve months and 365 days in a year. Depending on the number of votes you can deliver, I can hook you up with an Awareness Month or a federal holiday. Trust me, I’m good for it.
I have voted Republican, Democrat, and Libertarian. No matter what you are for or against, I am both for and against it.
I believe in the same God you do, which is to say I worship the Almighty Dollar.
I’ve been crushed by student debt, I’ve been crushed by credit card debt, and I was crushed when Bella chose Edward over Jacob.
I will never pander for your vote unless you want me to.
I promise to cut taxes, cut the deficit, save Social Security, and save you a bunch of money on your car insurance.
I vow I will not bail out Wall Street, I will bail out Main Street, and I always buy American.
I am The Boy Who Lived.
I believe in climate change, and I’m all for it.
I support the right for any loving couple, no matter their gender, to get a divorce.
I believe America needs to get back to work, and America works best when we all pull together towards a common goal. That’s why I’m asking you, my fellow Americans, to work to support me in my campaign to be President of the United States.
Thank you, and Almighty Dollar bless.
