…That Bwessed Awaingement, That Dweam Wiffin A DweamPosted: June 7, 2013
Today I’m going to talk about a subject I have spent the better part of the last decade proving I know absolutely nothing about: marriage.
When I first started dating the woman who was to become my Not So Humble Wife, she told me I was going to marry her one day. I tried to laugh it off, but I have to admit I felt something when she said it. A certain hush, like all the people who had known me my whole life had taken a collective breath and were holding it in fear… Two years later (and after driving through a hurricane to get the engagement ring – I am not making this up), I finally proposed. It was one of the few times in my life I have managed to both surprise and delight her at the same time (she doesn’t usually like surprises).
So why wait so long? Because we wanted to make sure we were making the right choice. We danced around it, talked about it, noodled on it, even joked about it for a long time, both before and after we moved in together. We both knew we were the “forever and ever” types (none of this “til death do us part” crap – watch our wedding video, it’s in our vows), so we had to make sure this was the right thing. I mean hey, we already had everything we wanted “living in sin”, so did we really need to tie the knot?
We talked about all the things everybody says you should talk about and so many couples don’t because they’re so sure that love is enough. We learned one thing very fast when we moved in together: love is not enough. No amount of love in the world is enough. If nothing else you also need patience. But we also talked about the rest of it. We talked about finances (we agree broadly on how to handle them), we talked about religion (different but compatible), we even talked about kids (she likes them with a wine sauce; I prefer a side of fries).
At the end of I all though we realized that those things, while important to having a successful marriage, are not the reasons why you get married.
Why get married? Because ideally you found someone who makes you just a little bit happier. Most of life is lived in the spectrum of mediocre. When you find the right person, you live most of life at mediocre +1. The good times are just a bit better; the bad times are not so bad. They don’t “complete you”, they don’t “make life perfect”, and they don’t “give you a reason to live”. If you need that, you need therapy. That’s no kind of weight to put on someone else’s shoulders. A good spouse is a partner, someone who will support you when you need it but will also challenge you when you need calling out. They give you a desire and an incentive to be a better person, in whatever way that means to you.
At least, that’s what I’ve found so far.