The Odd Man IN

My fellow Americans,

The time has come, once again, for me to announce my candidacy for Presidency of the United States of America. Now I can hear you asking, “Why you? Why now? Why won’t you go away?” These are all fine questions mom, and I’ll answer them one at a time.

First, I believe that the country needs a strong, suitable leader, but in the absence of one, I’m offering myself as an alternative. Let’s face it, when you’re shopping at the dollar store, you don’t get name brand goods. And we’re hurting for a good choice these days. Lacking one, why not settle? Face it America, you’re not getting any younger. Your age is showing, and folks have started to swipe left a lot more.

Speaking of the left, Democrats, we need to talk. You guys may think you love Kamala Harris now, but you play musical candidates so often you got a DJ for the roll call at your convention. “Quick, everybody grab a seat in the administration before the music stops!” She only has two things going for her: you don’t know anything about her, and you do know she isn’t Donald Trump. Well, I’d like to point out that you don’t know anything about me, either, and I also am not Donald Trump. So when you finally decide you’re bored with the flavor of the month, I’m right here.

As for the Republicans… oh, boy. Listen, I’m a little worried that Donald Trump is paranoid what with the people trying to kill him, so I’m going to right this next part in super-secret code so he can’t read it: Andpagray isyay uckingfay utsnay. Face it, he picked a vice-president who’s claim to fame is a politically charged book about a place he might have visited but he certainly didn’t grow up there. You wouldn’t nominate L. Frank Baum as Vice-President for writing The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, would you? Speaking of claims to fame, Donald Trump doesn’t, speak about his claim to fame that is. Oh, that’s right, you guys don’t believe in the coronavirus, which is why he doesn’t talk about the fact the vaccine was developed during his administration, which is about the only thing he didn’t manage to get in the way of despite his best efforts.

Now that this is no longer the sequel to Grumpy Old Men that nobody wanted or asked for, what you guys clearly want and need is someone who can do nothing while not getting shot at. I have decades of experience with that, and to sweeten the pot, I’m not under investigation by the Department of Justice for any crimes I may or may not have committed.

Look America, you’re hard up for good choices these days, and you obviously need me more than I need you. I may be coming on a little strong here, but we’ve been doing this dance for a long, LONG time now, and I’m tired of playing around. You’ve had your flirtations with the other guys, and you see what it got you. Come home to poppa.