I would like to take this opportunity to personally applaud the sagacity and wisdom of House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes (R-Ca.), House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.), and House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.). In a joint press release yesterday they made it clear that in his recently released memos “former Director Comey never wrote that he felt obstructed or threatened.” I for one feel completely relieved, and I am not simply writing that because I feel in any way under siege in President Trump’s America.
To be sure, unless a person very explicitly and clearly states in no uncertain terms that they are being threatened with jail time just for being a journalist, which I am clearly not doing because I am a loyal and patriotic American and would never do such a thing, we don’t have to make any attempt to read between the lines. Just look into my eyes and you’ll know I’m telling the truth. If you don’t believe me, just ask Gina Haspel. She could get the truth out of anybody.
Let’s face it, even Freud had to admit a cigar is just a cigar. And if we learned anything from Georgia O’Keeffe, it’s that what you see is what you get. And what you see here is a man who very clearly intended that, rather than detailing an out of his depth, possibly criminal and maybe even megalomaniacal president, James Comey’s intent was “rather than making a criminal case for obstruction or interference with an ongoing investigation, these memos would be Defense Exhibit A should such a charge be made.”
In the great American tradition of putting career advancement above personal integrity, I’d like to take this opportunity to submit myself for Roy Moore’s Campaign Manager. By way of proving my value, I suggest the following campaign theme songs that I feel capture the spirit of both the man and his message.
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap – AC/DC
Don’t Stand So Close to Me – The Police
Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter – Herman’s Hermits
(She’s) Sexy & 17 – Stray Cats
Young Girl – Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
Rebel Yell – Billy Idol
Walk This Way – Run-D.M.C. ft. Aerosmith
Father Figure – George Michael
Seventeen – Winger
My Sharona – The Knack
Into the Night – Benny Mardones
I’m On Fire – Bruce Springsteen
Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon – Neil Diamond
Christine Sixteen – KISS
I Saw Her Standing There – The Beatles
Little Girls – Oingo Boingo
With new shocking revelations coming out every day, I expect it won’t be too long before we see the following stories dominating the news cycle.
Little People Accuse Santa Claus of Workplace Harassment
“He loved it when we called him ‘Big Poppa’.”
Easter Bunny under Investigation for Inappropriate Contact with Minors
Those weren’t eggs he was hiding.
Tooth Fairy Admits to Sneaking into Sleeping Children’s Bedrooms
Left hush money under their pillows.
Elmer Fudd Arrested for Stalking Transgender Coworker
“Hunter” caught on tape referring to coworker as “wasckally”, making dire predictions of “wabbit season.”
Thomas Jefferson Accused of Sexual Assault in Workplace
Alabama Republicans encourage him to continue to run for office.
In this year of smear campaigns, fake news, and alternative facts, divisive tactics and hurtful rhetoric, Virginians are being asked to vote for a governor. Someone who can bring us all together as we face the challenges before our beloved Commonwealth and attempt to move past the tragedies that have shocked this nation. Someone who can heal the divide that has sprung up across so many constituencies, whether they be along partisan, racial, or even gender lines.
I am not that person.
Let’s face it, Virginia: you don’t want that. If you did, you wouldn’t even consider either of the guys running for office. Hell, you wouldn’t even consider anyone who would consider running for office in this day and age. So why are you settling for some hack who wants to cozy up to El Presidente without having the stones to openly embrace it, or the guy who can blow half of his lead in the polls in just over a week right before the election?
What I’m offering you is a real choice. Both of my opponents will pretend they care about you, the little people, and then go on to fulfill some bullshit agenda set for them from on high. I refuse to make any sort of empty promises, because the fact is I just don’t care about any of you. Unlike some politicians I can name, I don’t hate any specific group of people; in fact, I don’t hate anyone at all. I have a general disdain for humanity, but to say I hate you would imply a level of emotional investment I just can’t summon. So right there you’ve got at least a 50/50 chance of being better off with me in office.
As for my platform, I plan to institute a Bobpublic. What does that entail? Basically I’m in this for me. That’s right, I’m as rare as a unicorn and twice as beautiful: I’m an honest politician. I’m telling you straight out the only thing I want from being in office is everything I can get out of it. I’d admit to taking bribes and kickbacks except that quite frankly the only things people could bribe me to do are the things I was going to do anyway, so is it really a bribe? Sure, legally it is, but is it ethically a bribe? Either way I don’t care, I’d take the money. I’d even take the money for the stuff I wouldn’t do, just like the guys who are already in office. And just like them, I’d call the former “fundraising” and the latter “my salary”.
You want specifics of my platform? Sure, why not. I specifically plan to do whatever I feel like doing. Usually whatever makes my life better, or whatever amuses me. This would make your life better because, unlike most politicians, I wouldn’t go out of my way to make life miserable for specific groups of people. If something bad happened to anyone because of what I did, I would just consider it an added bonus (but for the papers I would refer to it as a “positive externality”, because we all like our leaders to sound educated).
You want me to get involved in social issues? You got it. Just to tweak My Not So Humble Sister, I’ll let the Washington Redskins keep their name, but they’ll have to change their team logo to a pile of small potatoes. Can a get a witness from the congregation and a side of fries?
I’m all for prayer in schools, as long as everyone converts to Bobtism. This requires a special ceremony in which everyone is Bobtised in a bobtismal fountain. Services are every week day from 4-7 and well drinks are half-price.
Now everyone please rise, place your hand somewhere that makes you feel good about yourself, and recite with me the new Pledge of Allegiance:
I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag
Of the United States of Bobmerica
And to the Bobpublic for which it stands
One Nation, Under Bob
With Liberty and Justice for Bob.
My fellow Virginians, when you go to the polls this November 7, make sure to vote Misanthrope. Not because you want to, but because your fellow Virginians deserve it.
Dear Valued1 United Customers2,
In light of recent events3 we at United felt we should honestly4 address5 your very understandable concerns6. We just wanted to promise7 you that your safety8 and comfort9 will always be our top concern10. Our passengers11 have a right12 to be treated fairly13, with the same dignity and respect we show our own employees14.
Remember: At United, you’re more than just a customer; you’re family.15
1: Like any commodity
2: Assuming we still have any
3: The total shitstorm dominating the internet
4: Honestly, we don’t give a shit what you think.
6: Like we really did give a shit what you think.
7: Promise not legally binding
8: Safety not guaranteed
9: Comfort subject to availability
10: Right behind squeezing every penny out of you.
11: “Passenger” is defined as someone who has successfully completed a flight and disembarked. Until then you’re fair game, sucker.
12: In the colloquial sense, not the legal sense
13: We treat you all with the same level of disdain
14: And you should see how we treat those poor fuckers.
15: See you at Thanksgiving.
Hi everyone. Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. As Mark Twain once said, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The truth is I’ve been in hibernation, building my strength so I can come back stronger than ever. I’m sure you’ve been taking good care of things while I’ve been gone, so let’s just take a quick look around…
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? ISIS? Donald Trump? Dengue fever? Dengue fucking fever? I swear, I leave you people alone for five minutes and-
You know what, forget it. I’m going back to sleep. You can be sure you’ll be talking to your father when he gets home. And I want you to know, I’m not disappointed, just angry.
There’s a special place out in the American Midwest you just need to see. A place where the penises grow wild and free, where you can sit yourself down and nobody will bother you while you have your fill. But if you’re going to go there, you better be sure to bring your appetite, you better bring your own sack, and you better bring your Visa card. Because it’s time you ate an entire bag of dicks, and out there they don’t give you the bag, and they don’t take American Express.