Dating Advice From Famous Poets


Maya Angelou

By York College ISLGP [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By York College ISLGP [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Ms. Angelou,

I’m writing to you because I’m quite vexed over my father’s intractable position vis-à-vis the proposal of my commencing a relationship with a boy. I am fully capable of making my own decisions, having already attained twelve full years of age, and while I have not yet reached menarche, I am still as much a woman grown as any of the other girls in my class, many of whom have already gone on one or more dates. I think he is being completely unreasonable. What say you?

Signed,

A Caged Bird, Too

 

Dear Fledgling,

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and risks unknown
are hers to embrace
without a care
to cast aside the chains
of a life left behind.

But a bird that stalks
down her narrow cage
held back by father’s
blindness and fear
her wings are clipped and
she knows not why
so she opens her throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and her tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird gets cruel education
on the price of casual flirtation
and the handsome boys not as good as their word
and her eyes with tears are blurred.

But a caged bird knows more than a father could
He’d lighten up if he understood
But he still says “no” and locks the doors
so she opens her throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and her tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

 

Edgar Allen Poe

Daguerreotype of Edgar Allan Poe, known as the "Annie" Daguerreotype.

Daguerreotype of Edgar Allan Poe, known as the “Annie” Daguerreotype.

Dear Mr. Poe,

I’m planning to propose to the love of my life, my beautiful girlfriend of many years, and I want to do it somewhere special, someplace so magical she’ll never forget it. Can you offer any suggestions?

Thanks,

Searching for the Moment

 

Dear Lost in the Moment,

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
I proposed to a girl you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;–

Let’s just say things didn’t exactly work out
The way that I thought they would be.
If I had it all to do over
In that kingdom by the sea,
We would have just gone out to a nice dinner–
I and my Annabel Lee.

My advice? Bundle up, stay inside, stay warm —
STAY AWAY FROM THE SEA.

 

Dr. Seuss

Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) half-length portrait, seated at desk covered with his books / World Telegram & Sun photo by Al Ravenna

Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) half-length portrait, seated at desk covered with his books / World Telegram & Sun photo by Al Ravenna

Dear Dr. Seuss,

I’m not sure who to ask about this, but here goes. I’ve started noticing the boys in my class, and I think I like them, you know, in that way. Which would be great, except I’m a boy too.  Which I guess means I’m gay? And some people say being gay is bad, and other people say it’s not, and I just don’t know what to think. What do you think?

Signed,

Confused and Lost

 

Dear Lost and Found,

There once was a girl named Julie Madevin,
A charming young thing the age of eleven.
She had a crush on a boy in her class,
The boy known as Billy Sassafrass.
Julie thought that he was quite alright;
His eyes were blue, his pants were tight.
But there was something the other kids would say:
They all insisted that Billy was gay.
Julie didn’t know what to do,
So she ran home and asked her mommies two.
They told her this was quite alright,
And Julie slept quite well that night.

 

Lord Byron

George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron, by Richard Westall, from National Portrait Gallery, London.

George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron, by Richard Westall, from National Portrait Gallery, London.

Dear Lord Byron,

I want to do something really special for my wife for Valentine’s Day this year. It’s been a rough year, and I really want to show her I love her more than anything in the world. You’re renowned as one of the greatest romantics of all time; can you please give me something to show her just how much I love her?

Signed,

Truly Desperately In Love

 

Dear Truly Desperate,

I dunno. Flowers?

 

 


Sorry I Was Late


Sorry I was late for work today. The problem is, when I woke up this morning I just couldn’t give a fuck. This weekend when I did my grocery shopping the store had run out of my favorite brand, and I couldn’t buy a fuck. I suppose I could have gotten one of those imported ones, but I really didn’t want to have to deal with some foreign fuck, so I asked the stock boy if he knew where I could find my usual kind of fuck, since I didn’t want anything kinky or weird. He had no fucking clue. Finally I just gave up and went home fucking empty handed.

So I got in my car this morning with no fucking idea what to do, but apparently nobody else had the same issue, because all the other drivers were fucking me left and right. When I couldn’t take it anymore I stopped in to the local convenience store hoping to get a quick fuck. Normally I don’t like a cheap fuck, but you take what you can get. The clerk said the store’s credit card machine was down, and I’d have to pay cash if I wanted to get fucked. Personally I think they just didn’t want the government in their fucking business, not that I can blame them. Unfortunately I didn’t have any cash on me, so once again I couldn’t get fucked even if I tried.

I ran into a bum on the way in, but I had to tell him I had zero fucks to give. Which brings me to here, writing this fucking email. So again, sorry I was late.


Deck the Malls


In the past I’ve railed against the Christmas excess, particularly the consumeristic aspects of it, starting well before Thanksgiving (and even before my beloved Halloween). Seeing as how this year some stores (all of them) are opening on Thanksgiving for their “Black Friday” sales, I’m giving up.

That’s right; I’m throwing in the towel. You win. I even wrote a little song for you heartless bastards, just to show I care. Enjoy.

 

Stores are open, let’s get hopping.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Screw the family, let’s go shopping.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Out into the hurly burly,

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

Black Friday is starting early!

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la

Save the turkey and the stuffing.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Human contact we’re rebuffing.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

We’ll be loyal Christmas elves

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

All those gifts won’t buy themselves!

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la

Fast away Thanksgiving passes.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Lines move like frozen molasses.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Looking for that coat of leather

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

Instead of being all together.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

 


Disclaimers


In accordance with Federal law, we are including the following disclaimers regarding the use of My Not So Humble Opinion.

Use as directed. Caution: contents may be hot. Do not insert rectally.

The use of MNSHO may lead to any or all of the following: headaches, upper respiratory tract infection, stuffy nose, sore throat, joint pain, abdominal pain, cough, nausea, diarrhea, fever, yeast infections in women and men, blood in the urine or stool, voting libertarian, pneumonia, and inflammation of the stomach or intestines.

It is not clear whether these mild or serious problems were caused by MNSHO or occurred after use of MNSHO by chance.

Other possible side effects include tenderness, redness, itching, lumps, bruises, muscle aches or temporary limitation of arm movement, running for Congress, fatigue, heavy drinking, change in urine color, hallucinations, night terrors, compulsive behavior, and serious allergic reaction.

There is no evidence that MNSHO causes long-term health problems.

Further possible side effects include: fussiness, tiredness or poor appetite, vomiting, cynicism, seizure (jerking or staring), non-stop crying for 3 hours or more, long-term seizures, coma or lowered consciousness, lack of self-preservation instinct, permanent brain damage, brief fainting spells, not voting, hoarseness, sore, red or itchy eyes, cough, chills, mild rash, and swelling of glands in the cheeks or neck.

Independent civilian committees have not found MNSHO to be a factor in unexplained illnesses among Gulf War veterans.

Please do not taunt MNSHO.

Certain other side effects are rare but possible: deafness, temporary low platelet count which can cause a bleeding disorder, surliness, rapid weight gain, drowsiness, confusion, dry mouth, amnesia, seeing through time and folding space, difficulty maintaining an erection, irritableness, and death.

Because these problems occur so rarely, we can’t be sure whether they are caused by MNSHO or not.

If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, get medical help right away. This has nothing to do with MNSHO, that’s just some serious shit.

Please do not use MNSHO if you are pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant, are capable of becoming pregnant, are in the process of becoming pregnant, or may someday be in the vicinity of someone who may be pregnant. Do not use MNSHO while breast-feeding. Do not breast-feed. Do not take MNSHO with grapefruit, because only evil people like grapefruit. MNSHO should not be administered to minors or anyone who has at any point been a minor.

Please use MNSHO responsibly.


My Christmas List


My Not So Humble Mother has been pestering me for a while (okay, a couple decades) to give her a Christmas list so she can get ahead on her shopping. I don’t see what the big deal is, since I don’t think I’m that hard of a guy to shop for. Still, in order to make it easier for her and anybody else who might want to get me a little something, I’m getting this up now with plenty of time for the holiday season. Here’s what I’d like this year, in no particular order:

Australia (H/T to Gene Hackman circa Superman II)

Africa

A date with Kathy Ireland

Swedish massage

The Swedish Bikini Team

A new wardrobe

A new house

A new car

The Death Star

An official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle

Three dozen penguins

My virginity (Sorry, no link. I lost that a long time ago.)

World peace (Sorry, no link. We haven’t been able to find that for a long time either.)

World domination

Pizza

A butler

A maid

A gardener

$526,817.83 in unmarked bills (so I can afford to pay the butler, the maid, and the gardener)

Sleep

A map to King Solomon’s mines

Two sturdy goats

Mjolnir

A 9.0 CGC rated Action Comics #1

A time machine

My two front teeth

The heads of all of those who would dare to oppose me

Zombie repellent

Effective zombie repellent

A recount of the 2000 U.S. Presidential Election (I really don’t care who won; I just want people to shut up about it.)

Fame

Fortune

Everything that goes with it

 

And just remember, if you’re still looking for that special gift or virtual stocking stuffer, you can get a copy of my book on Amazon for less than a buck!


Sensitive to Change


FAIR WARNING: DUE TO THE SUBJECT MATTER CONTAINED HEREIN, THE FOLLOWING POST IS DELIBERATELY OFFENSIVE. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO OFFENSIVE MATERIAL, PLEASE LEAVE NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Since Dan Snyder refuses to change the name of the Washington D.C. football team and he insists that the name “Redskins” is respectful to Native Americans, here at My Not So Humble Opinion we’d like to offer a few alternatives that are equally respectful, and yet might allow for some compromise on this sensitive issue.

  • The D.C. Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
  • The Washington Wetbacks
  • The D.C. Micks
  • The Washington Wops
  • The D.C. Hymies
  • The Washington Shoe Shine Boys
  • The D.C. Rednecks
  • The Washington Papes
  • The D.C. Camel Jockeys
  • The Northern Virginia Macacas
  • The Washington Crackers
  • The D.C. Sheep Shaggers
  • The Washington Goyim
  • The D.C. Krauts
  • The Washington Limeys
  • The D.C. Peckerwoods
  • The Washington Shiksas (for the Redskinettes)
  • The D.C. You Know You’re Thinking It, So Just Go ahead And Say It Alreadys
  • The Washington Senators

Virginia Driving Test


Here at MNSHO, we have managed to obtain an advance copy of the recently updated Virginia written driver’s license test. I hate to say it, but this explains a lot.

 

Form VA-DMV-T-2014
Driver’s Licensure Test – Updated 2014

Please answer each of the following questions by circling the letter of the answer you believe to be correct. Please select only one answer for each question.

The left lane is…

a)      For passing
b)      Next to the right lane
c)      The lane I drive in when I feel like going slow and pissing people off

Turn signals should be used…

a)      To signal a turn
b)      To signal a lane change
c)      Intermittently and at random

Precipitation means you should…

a)      Drive more carefully
b)      Slow down
c)      Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Pedestrians are…

a)      Equally entitled to use the roads
b)      Subject to the same rules of the road as vehicles
c)      Speed bumps

Speed limits are…

a)      Mandatory
b)      For our safety
c)      A joke

The horn should be used to signal other drivers…

a)      Of an emergency
b)      Of a dangerous situation
c)      That they’re triggering your homicidal tendencies

The shoulder should be used for…

a)      Emergencies
b)      Letting emergency vehicles pass
c)      Getting around slower traffic

When an emergency vehicle is approaching, you should…

a)      Pull over and let it pass
b)      Take careful stock of your surroundings and make room in the least disruptive means available
c)      Get behind it and use it to get through traffic faster

When there is an accident on the side of the road, you should…

a)      Proceed normally
b)      Drive cautiously to avoid hurting emergency personnel
c)      Slow down to a crawl and gawk

Merging…

a)      Is a normal part of the driving experience
b)      Should be done with care
c)      Is for suckers

Answer key:

It doesn’t matter what they answered. As long as they didn’t smear feces on the paper, give them a driver’s license.


The Fortune Cookie Game


The other day I was having lunch with Keri at a Chinese restaurant, and of course we enjoyed the Fortune Cookie Game after our meal. For those of you who aren’t aware, the way it works is that you take your fortune from the cookie as written and append the phrase “in bed” to the end. Not only does this yield hilarious results, they often make more sense than the original fortune.

I started riffing on the sorts of fortunes that would be most appropriate for this sort of game, and Keri suggested I write them down and share them with you all. I decided to take up the challenge, and have listed here everything I could think of that made sense as a fortune cookie fortune (as much as they ever do) but was even better when you play the game.

Feel free to offer your suggestions in the comments!

 

He who speaks before he thinks dines alone.

Never come between a man and his best friend.

A truly determined person will never be lonely.

I come from a land down under.

Always say “please” and “thank you”.

Costumes, props, lights and sound are all just window dressing; the play’s the thing.

The limits of the body are determined by the limits of the imagination.

Nobody likes a quitter.

A man is measured by the scope of his dreams and the reach of his grasp.

Fast pay makes fast friends.

Anything you say can and will be used against you.

The ability to endure, above all other gifts, is the most precious.

It’s rude to make faces.

There is nothing wrong with being early or being late, so long as you arrive in time for the main event.

Thank you for not smoking.

The keeping of animals is not permitted.

Nobody gets to choose their own nickname.

You must be at least 18 years old to enjoy this attraction.

Excepting rare and self-evident circumstances don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.

Listening is underrated.

There’s nothing wrong with asking permission.

There are no spectator sports.

For all its flaws, democracy is still the superior choice.

A true gentleman carries a handkerchief, never asks a woman her age, and always lets a lady go first.

Please silence all cell phones and pagers.

If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish any goal.

Nobody likes a rules lawyer.

Snacks are always welcome, but a proper guest cleans up after themselves.

Always save the last dance for the partner you came with.

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Keep your friends close, but keep your enemas closer.

It’s easier to get permission than to ask forgiveness.

 

 

 


Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin


In case you missed it, Stephen Colbert got into a bit of trouble on Twitter this past week due to a tweet that went out over a Comedy Central controlled Twitter account for his show. Things got very ugly very quickly, including calls for his job and the hashtag #CancelCorbert.

Let me start by saying I am not here to defend the tweet. I think we can all agree it crossed a line, at least for Twitter (some argue it was acceptable in context during the show; having not seen it, I can’t take a stand either way). That having been said, I do think there is something to be said for a wider context that is being ignored, one that has value and validity beyond the scope of a single show: the nature of comedy itself.

I’ve been writing comedy in one medium or another for almost twenty years now, and I’ve always kept two rules in mind. The first is a joke that goes all the way back to vaudeville: “dying is easy; comedy is hard.” Everyone thinks being funny is easy right up until they try it. Even telling a joke someone else came up with takes timing, skill, and panache; being original and funny is exponentially harder. The second rule is one I learned back in college: the more offensive the joke is, the funnier it needs to be. Let’s not kid ourselves, there’s hardly anything in this world that isn’t offensive that is laugh out loud funny. Hitting the balance between “bust a gut” and “bust you in the mouth” is difficult, and it’s easy to miss the mark.

There are other complicating factors as well. Comedy is a moving target for a lot of reasons. One of them is that societal mores are always in flux. What was hilarious ten years ago is kind of uncomfortable today and will be outright taboo next week. The same thing happens in reverse. What’s more, comedy often plays a role in that social change, pushing boundaries, creating safer spaces in which we can talk openly about things that are forbidden in “polite” conversation. The down side of that is that it becomes easy to step on toes, go too far, and yes, even cross a line.

Another complicating factor is that, like it or not, comedy IS contextual. If you read a transcript of almost any performance by Bill Cosby, you might chuckle, or you might just say “I don’t see what’s so funny.” But when you watch him in action, it’s a whole different story. Pitch, tone, pacing, facial expressions, everything he does goes into his comedy. My father used to say that Chevy Chase could make him laugh just by walking into a room. Truth is he can do the same thing for me, but that doesn’t translate to Twitter.

Finally, sometimes you’re just under the gun and a bad joke gets through. It’s easy to sit back and play armchair comedian, complaining how “he should never have said that.” We’ve all done it. But how easy is it to write a half-hour of humor five nights a week? Even with a writing team, it gets exhausting. I used to do 1,000 words of humor a week, and I only lasted a couple of years with breaks every few months. The Colbert Report has been running for almost ten years, with over 1,300 episodes. That’s almost 500 hours of jokes. Is it remotely possible that a bad one might slip through now and then?

Once again, I’m not saying that nobody should be offended. It was offensive, and deliberately so. It was inappropriate for the medium, and hopefully will not be repeated. But calls to fire Colbert or cancel the show are misguided at best and opportunistic grandstanding at worst. There are better things to rage against.


The Crimean Crisis Summarized as a Series of Internet Memes


Ukraine-EU Assn Agreement

Sell out to Russia

 

Protest

 

Not gonna happen

 

And hes gone

 

Recognize our government

 

Get back to you

 

Y U No Crimean Independence

 

Crimean takeover

 

Russia is coming

 

Just send in the lawyers

 

Let me how that works out for you