You Can’t Spell “Treason” Without “Reason”
Posted: September 12, 2018 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: Donald Trump, politics, republicans, treason 1 CommentNow that President Trump has expanded the definition of treason to include “anyone or anything that I personally don’t like”, I would like to be the first person to applaud his gross overreach of power disturbing authoritarian tendencies brilliant political insight and statesmanship. In that vein, I would like to “nominate” my own small but important list of people who are equally, if not more so, deserving of being branded as traitors as everyone Trump has levied the charge against to date:
· Every kid who ever beat me up
· The first girl who ever broke my heart
· My 11th grade English teacher for failing me and making me take summer school
· My “friend” who got me hooked on Magic: the Gathering
· Everyone who ever laughed at me, not with me
· The people responsible for “Highlander II: The Quickening”
· My Not So Humble Sister (YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID)
· That one kid who stole my Halloween candy
· The second girl who ever broke my heart
· That one guy who gave me a wet-willie that one time
Hopefully we’ll see the kind of bold, decisive action we’ve come to expect from this administration against these traitors. If not, I’m sure we can expect to see the administration held accountable by Congress, where we have Republicans in control of both the House and the Senate. Otherwise I guess both sides are to blame.
The Government You Deserve
Posted: August 29, 2018 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire, society, Uncategorized | Tags: democrats, Donald Trump, election, Election 2018, humor, politics, republicans, satire 1 CommentIt’s another election year, and this one may be the most important year of all. Before you decide who to vote for this year, I’m asking each and every American to look deep inside and ask yourself one very important question: how do you really feel about your fellow Americans?
Let’s face it folks, anyone who says they actually “like”, “respect”, or “would piss on them if they were on fire” about their fellow Americans is spreading FAKE NEWS. Our country is falling apart faster than a meatloaf without breadcrumbs, and we all know who’s to blame: the other guy. That’s right, that low-down bastard who doesn’t really love their country, isn’t really a patriot, and would probably spit on the flag and/or a veteran first chance they got.
So what’s the answer? Sure, you could waste your vote by trying to go with one of the major parties, but let’s be honest, what have they done for you lately? The Republicans have had their chance, and they’ve managed to take things from bad to “we need a Space Force so we can nuke the site from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure”. As for the Democrats… oh the Democrats. Just when you think they can’t find new ways to snatch defeat right out of the jaws of victory, they look you right in the eye and say “hold my beer”. You think nobody can lose against Donald Trump? Think again. You think nobody can lose running against Donald Trump and a House full of spineless Republicans? Watch and see.
But there’s another way. A better way. Look deep inside yourself, and discover the Truth that’s always been there but you’ve always been afraid, nay, compelled to deny. Deep down, you know you really want someone who feels the same way you do. Deep down, you know you want:
The Misanthrope Party.
Yes folks, this year it’s time to send a clear message and vote Misanthrope. As that great moral philosopher A. Skywalker said, “Search your feelings; you know it’s true.”
What do I stand for? Absolutely nothing. Not in a nihilistic sense of “nothing is real, nothing matters”, but in a very real sense of “screw you guys, I’m going home”. I promise to not even bother to show up. I’ll just collect a paycheck and not even bother to show up for floor debates, because really, what’s the point? Everybody who isn’t already bought and paid for has already made up their mind, they don’t change anything, and nobody watches them anyway.
I already live near enough to D.C. that if I decide to show up for a vote because I’m bored I can drive in, which will make me look all fiscally responsible, which I hear some people actually like. I’m far enough away that I’m technically not a “Washington insider”, which apparently is the hip thing these days.
Here’s the best thing: I’m a completely dishonest politician in the classic sense, because I don’t stay bought. Want to buy my vote? Go ahead and try. I’ll take your money and I still won’t vote. The best you can do is pay me not to vote for an issue, and even then you’ll be left wondering: did we just get had? I’m not saying. I’ll just run for re-election.
Face it folks: At least I’m honest. And I’m as good as it gets these days.
It Never Happened
Posted: April 20, 2018 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: Comey, Goodlatte, Gowdy, Haspel, House Judiciary Committee, House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, Nunes, politics, satire, Trump 1 CommentI would like to take this opportunity to personally applaud the sagacity and wisdom of House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes (R-Ca.), House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.), and House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.). In a joint press release yesterday they made it clear that in his recently released memos “former Director Comey never wrote that he felt obstructed or threatened.” I for one feel completely relieved, and I am not simply writing that because I feel in any way under siege in President Trump’s America.
To be sure, unless a person very explicitly and clearly states in no uncertain terms that they are being threatened with jail time just for being a journalist, which I am clearly not doing because I am a loyal and patriotic American and would never do such a thing, we don’t have to make any attempt to read between the lines. Just look into my eyes and you’ll know I’m telling the truth. If you don’t believe me, just ask Gina Haspel. She could get the truth out of anybody.
Let’s face it, even Freud had to admit a cigar is just a cigar. And if we learned anything from Georgia O’Keeffe, it’s that what you see is what you get. And what you see here is a man who very clearly intended that, rather than detailing an out of his depth, possibly criminal and maybe even megalomaniacal president, James Comey’s intent was “rather than making a criminal case for obstruction or interference with an ongoing investigation, these memos would be Defense Exhibit A should such a charge be made.”
Obviously.
The Latest Revelations of Sexual Harassment
Posted: November 16, 2017 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: humor, politics, sexual harassment Leave a commentWith new shocking revelations coming out every day, I expect it won’t be too long before we see the following stories dominating the news cycle.
Little People Accuse Santa Claus of Workplace Harassment
“He loved it when we called him ‘Big Poppa’.”
Easter Bunny under Investigation for Inappropriate Contact with Minors
Those weren’t eggs he was hiding.
Tooth Fairy Admits to Sneaking into Sleeping Children’s Bedrooms
Left hush money under their pillows.
Elmer Fudd Arrested for Stalking Transgender Coworker
“Hunter” caught on tape referring to coworker as “wasckally”, making dire predictions of “wabbit season.”
Thomas Jefferson Accused of Sexual Assault in Workplace
Alabama Republicans encourage him to continue to run for office.
United Responds to Recent Controversy
Posted: April 14, 2017 Filed under: Humor, Satire | Tags: humor, satire, United, United Airlines 1 CommentDear Valued1 United Customers2,
In light of recent events3 we at United felt we should honestly4 address5 your very understandable concerns6. We just wanted to promise7 you that your safety8 and comfort9 will always be our top concern10. Our passengers11 have a right12 to be treated fairly13, with the same dignity and respect we show our own employees14.
Remember: At United, you’re more than just a customer; you’re family.15
1: Like any commodity
2: Assuming we still have any
3: The total shitstorm dominating the internet
4: Honestly, we don’t give a shit what you think.
5: Placate
6: Like we really did give a shit what you think.
7: Promise not legally binding
8: Safety not guaranteed
9: Comfort subject to availability
10: Right behind squeezing every penny out of you.
11: “Passenger” is defined as someone who has successfully completed a flight and disembarked. Until then you’re fair game, sucker.
12: In the colloquial sense, not the legal sense
13: We treat you all with the same level of disdain
14: And you should see how we treat those poor fuckers.
15: See you at Thanksgiving.
Coming out of hibernation
Posted: February 25, 2016 Filed under: Humor, Satire | Tags: blogging, current events, humor, satire Leave a commentHi everyone. Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. As Mark Twain once said, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The truth is I’ve been in hibernation, building my strength so I can come back stronger than ever. I’m sure you’ve been taking good care of things while I’ve been gone, so let’s just take a quick look around…
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? ISIS? Donald Trump? Dengue fever? Dengue fucking fever? I swear, I leave you people alone for five minutes and-
You know what, forget it. I’m going back to sleep. You can be sure you’ll be talking to your father when he gets home. And I want you to know, I’m not disappointed, just angry.
Dating Advice From Famous Poets
Posted: February 14, 2015 Filed under: Culture, Dating, Humor, Satire | Tags: advice, comedy, culture, dating, Dr. Seuss, Edgar Allen Poe, humor, Lord Byron, love, Maya Angelou, poetry, poets, romance, satire 2 CommentsMaya Angelou
![By York College ISLGP [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons](https://mnsho.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/maya_angelou_visits_ycp_feb_2013.jpg)
By York College ISLGP [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
I’m writing to you because I’m quite vexed over my father’s intractable position vis-à-vis the proposal of my commencing a relationship with a boy. I am fully capable of making my own decisions, having already attained twelve full years of age, and while I have not yet reached menarche, I am still as much a woman grown as any of the other girls in my class, many of whom have already gone on one or more dates. I think he is being completely unreasonable. What say you?
Signed,
A Caged Bird, Too
Dear Fledgling,
A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and risks unknown
are hers to embrace
without a care
to cast aside the chains
of a life left behind.
But a bird that stalks
down her narrow cage
held back by father’s
blindness and fear
her wings are clipped and
she knows not why
so she opens her throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and her tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
The free bird gets cruel education
on the price of casual flirtation
and the handsome boys not as good as their word
and her eyes with tears are blurred.
But a caged bird knows more than a father could
He’d lighten up if he understood
But he still says “no” and locks the doors
so she opens her throat to sing.
The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and her tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
Edgar Allen Poe
Daguerreotype of Edgar Allan Poe, known as the “Annie” Daguerreotype.
Dear Mr. Poe,
I’m planning to propose to the love of my life, my beautiful girlfriend of many years, and I want to do it somewhere special, someplace so magical she’ll never forget it. Can you offer any suggestions?
Thanks,
Searching for the Moment
Dear Lost in the Moment,
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
I proposed to a girl you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;–
Let’s just say things didn’t exactly work out
The way that I thought they would be.
If I had it all to do over
In that kingdom by the sea,
We would have just gone out to a nice dinner–
I and my Annabel Lee.
My advice? Bundle up, stay inside, stay warm —
STAY AWAY FROM THE SEA.
Dr. Seuss
Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) half-length portrait, seated at desk covered with his books / World Telegram & Sun photo by Al Ravenna
Dear Dr. Seuss,
I’m not sure who to ask about this, but here goes. I’ve started noticing the boys in my class, and I think I like them, you know, in that way. Which would be great, except I’m a boy too. Which I guess means I’m gay? And some people say being gay is bad, and other people say it’s not, and I just don’t know what to think. What do you think?
Signed,
Confused and Lost
Dear Lost and Found,
There once was a girl named Julie Madevin,
A charming young thing the age of eleven.
She had a crush on a boy in her class,
The boy known as Billy Sassafrass.
Julie thought that he was quite alright;
His eyes were blue, his pants were tight.
But there was something the other kids would say:
They all insisted that Billy was gay.
Julie didn’t know what to do,
So she ran home and asked her mommies two.
They told her this was quite alright,
And Julie slept quite well that night.
Lord Byron
George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron, by Richard Westall, from National Portrait Gallery, London.
Dear Lord Byron,
I want to do something really special for my wife for Valentine’s Day this year. It’s been a rough year, and I really want to show her I love her more than anything in the world. You’re renowned as one of the greatest romantics of all time; can you please give me something to show her just how much I love her?
Signed,
Truly Desperately In Love
Dear Truly Desperate,
I dunno. Flowers?
Deck the Malls
Posted: November 20, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: America, Black Friday, Christmas, comedy, commercialism, culture, Fa-la-la-la-la, humor, shopping, society, Thanksgiving 4 CommentsIn the past I’ve railed against the Christmas excess, particularly the consumeristic aspects of it, starting well before Thanksgiving (and even before my beloved Halloween). Seeing as how this year some stores (all of them) are opening on Thanksgiving for their “Black Friday” sales, I’m giving up.
That’s right; I’m throwing in the towel. You win. I even wrote a little song for you heartless bastards, just to show I care. Enjoy.
Stores are open, let’s get hopping.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Screw the family, let’s go shopping.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Out into the hurly burly,
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Black Friday is starting early!
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la
Save the turkey and the stuffing.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Human contact we’re rebuffing.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
We’ll be loyal Christmas elves
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
All those gifts won’t buy themselves!
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la
Fast away Thanksgiving passes.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Lines move like frozen molasses.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Looking for that coat of leather
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Instead of being all together.
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Disclaimers
Posted: November 12, 2014 Filed under: Humor, Satire | Tags: comedy, disclaimer, humor, side effects, society 2 CommentsIn accordance with Federal law, we are including the following disclaimers regarding the use of My Not So Humble Opinion.
Use as directed. Caution: contents may be hot. Do not insert rectally.
The use of MNSHO may lead to any or all of the following: headaches, upper respiratory tract infection, stuffy nose, sore throat, joint pain, abdominal pain, cough, nausea, diarrhea, fever, yeast infections in women and men, blood in the urine or stool, voting libertarian, pneumonia, and inflammation of the stomach or intestines.
It is not clear whether these mild or serious problems were caused by MNSHO or occurred after use of MNSHO by chance.
Other possible side effects include tenderness, redness, itching, lumps, bruises, muscle aches or temporary limitation of arm movement, running for Congress, fatigue, heavy drinking, change in urine color, hallucinations, night terrors, compulsive behavior, and serious allergic reaction.
There is no evidence that MNSHO causes long-term health problems.
Further possible side effects include: fussiness, tiredness or poor appetite, vomiting, cynicism, seizure (jerking or staring), non-stop crying for 3 hours or more, long-term seizures, coma or lowered consciousness, lack of self-preservation instinct, permanent brain damage, brief fainting spells, not voting, hoarseness, sore, red or itchy eyes, cough, chills, mild rash, and swelling of glands in the cheeks or neck.
Independent civilian committees have not found MNSHO to be a factor in unexplained illnesses among Gulf War veterans.
Please do not taunt MNSHO.
Certain other side effects are rare but possible: deafness, temporary low platelet count which can cause a bleeding disorder, surliness, rapid weight gain, drowsiness, confusion, dry mouth, amnesia, seeing through time and folding space, difficulty maintaining an erection, irritableness, and death.
Because these problems occur so rarely, we can’t be sure whether they are caused by MNSHO or not.
If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, get medical help right away. This has nothing to do with MNSHO, that’s just some serious shit.
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Please use MNSHO responsibly.
Sensitive to Change
Posted: June 18, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: comedy, Dan Snyder, DC, football, humor, NFL, offensive, Redskins, sports, Washington Leave a commentFAIR WARNING: DUE TO THE SUBJECT MATTER CONTAINED HEREIN, THE FOLLOWING POST IS DELIBERATELY OFFENSIVE. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO OFFENSIVE MATERIAL, PLEASE LEAVE NOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Since Dan Snyder refuses to change the name of the Washington D.C. football team and he insists that the name “Redskins” is respectful to Native Americans, here at My Not So Humble Opinion we’d like to offer a few alternatives that are equally respectful, and yet might allow for some compromise on this sensitive issue.
- The D.C. Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys
- The Washington Wetbacks
- The D.C. Micks
- The Washington Wops
- The D.C. Hymies
- The Washington Shoe Shine Boys
- The D.C. Rednecks
- The Washington Papes
- The D.C. Camel Jockeys
- The Northern Virginia Macacas
- The Washington Crackers
- The D.C. Sheep Shaggers
- The Washington Goyim
- The D.C. Krauts
- The Washington Limeys
- The D.C. Peckerwoods
- The Washington Shiksas (for the Redskinettes)
- The D.C. You Know You’re Thinking It, So Just Go ahead And Say It Alreadys
- The Washington Senators
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My Not So Humble Opinion 