United Responds to Recent Controversy

Dear Valued¹ United Customers²,

In light of recent events³ we at United felt we should honestly⁴ address⁵ your very understandable concerns⁶. We just wanted to promise⁷ you that your safety⁸ and comfort⁹ will always be our top concern¹⁰. Our passengers¹¹ have a right¹² to be treated fairly¹³, with the same dignity and respect we show our own employees¹⁴.

Remember: At United, you’re more than just a customer; you’re family.¹⁵

1: Like any commodity

2: Assuming we still have any

3: The total shitstorm dominating the internet

4: Honestly, we don’t give a shit what you think.

5: Placate

6: Like we really did give a shit what you think.

7: Promise not legally binding

8: Safety not guaranteed

9: Comfort subject to availability

10: Right behind squeezing every penny out of you.

11: “Passenger” is defined as someone who has successfully completed a flight and disembarked. Until then you’re fair game, sucker.

12: In the colloquial sense, not the legal sense

13: We treat you all with the same level of disdain

14: And you should see how we treat those poor fuckers.

15: See you at Thanksgiving.