The Government You Deserve


It’s another election year, and this one may be the most important year of all. Before you decide who to vote for this year, I’m asking each and every American to look deep inside and ask yourself one very important question: how do you really feel about your fellow Americans?

Let’s face it folks, anyone who says they actually “like”, “respect”, or “would piss on them if they were on fire” about their fellow Americans is spreading FAKE NEWS. Our country is falling apart faster than a meatloaf without breadcrumbs, and we all know who’s to blame: the other guy. That’s right, that low-down bastard who doesn’t really love their country, isn’t really a patriot, and would probably spit on the flag and/or a veteran first chance they got.

So what’s the answer? Sure, you could waste your vote by trying to go with one of the major parties, but let’s be honest, what have they done for you lately? The Republicans have had their chance, and they’ve managed to take things from bad to “we need a Space Force so we can nuke the site from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure”. As for the Democrats… oh the Democrats. Just when you think they can’t find new ways to snatch defeat right out of the jaws of victory, they look you right in the eye and say “hold my beer”. You think nobody can lose against Donald Trump? Think again. You think nobody can lose running against Donald Trump and a House full of spineless Republicans? Watch and see.

But there’s another way. A better way. Look deep inside yourself, and discover the Truth that’s always been there but you’ve always been afraid, nay, compelled to deny. Deep down, you know you really want someone who feels the same way you do. Deep down, you know you want:

The Misanthrope Party.

Yes folks, this year it’s time to send a clear message and vote Misanthrope. As that great moral philosopher A. Skywalker said, “Search your feelings; you know it’s true.”

What do I stand for? Absolutely nothing. Not in a nihilistic sense of “nothing is real, nothing matters”, but in a very real sense of “screw you guys, I’m going home”. I promise to not even bother to show up. I’ll just collect a paycheck and not even bother to show up for floor debates, because really, what’s the point? Everybody who isn’t already bought and paid for has already made up their mind, they don’t change anything, and nobody watches them anyway.

I already live near enough to D.C. that if I decide to show up for a vote because I’m bored I can drive in, which will make me look all fiscally responsible, which I hear some people actually like. I’m far enough away that I’m technically not a “Washington insider”, which apparently is the hip thing these days.

Here’s the best thing: I’m a completely dishonest politician in the classic sense, because I don’t stay bought. Want to buy my vote? Go ahead and try. I’ll take your money and I still won’t vote. The best you can do is pay me not to vote for an issue, and even then you’ll be left wondering: did we just get had? I’m not saying. I’ll just run for re-election.

Face it folks: At least I’m honest. And I’m as good as it gets these days.


It Never Happened


I would like to take this opportunity to personally applaud the sagacity and wisdom of House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence Chairman Devin Nunes (R-Ca.), House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.), and House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.). In a joint press release yesterday they made it clear that in his recently released memos “former Director Comey never wrote that he felt obstructed or threatened.” I for one feel completely relieved, and I am not simply writing that because I feel in any way under siege in President Trump’s America.

To be sure, unless a person very explicitly and clearly states in no uncertain terms that they are being threatened with jail time just for being a journalist, which I am clearly not doing because I am a loyal and patriotic American and would never do such a thing, we don’t have to make any attempt to read between the lines. Just look into my eyes and you’ll know I’m telling the truth. If you don’t believe me, just ask Gina Haspel. She could get the truth out of anybody.

Let’s face it, even Freud had to admit a cigar is just a cigar. And if we learned anything from Georgia O’Keeffe, it’s that what you see is what you get. And what you see here is a man who very clearly intended that, rather than detailing an out of his depth, possibly criminal and maybe even megalomaniacal president, James Comey’s intent was “rather than making a criminal case for obstruction or interference with an ongoing investigation, these memos would be Defense Exhibit A should such a charge be made.”

Obviously.


United Responds to Recent Controversy


Dear Valued1 United Customers2,

In light of recent events3 we at United felt we should honestly4 address5 your very understandable concerns6. We just wanted to promise7 you that your safety8 and comfort9 will always be our top concern10. Our passengers11 have a right12 to be treated fairly13, with the same dignity and respect we show our own employees14.

Remember: At United, you’re more than just a customer; you’re family.15

 

1: Like any commodity

2: Assuming we still have any

3: The total shitstorm dominating the internet

4: Honestly, we don’t give a shit what you think.

5: Placate

6: Like we really did give a shit what you think.

7: Promise not legally binding

8: Safety not guaranteed

9: Comfort subject to availability

10: Right behind squeezing every penny out of you.

11: “Passenger” is defined as someone who has successfully completed a flight and disembarked. Until then you’re fair game, sucker.

12: In the colloquial sense, not the legal sense

13: We treat you all with the same level of disdain

14: And you should see how we treat those poor fuckers.

15: See you at Thanksgiving.


Coming out of hibernation 


Hi everyone. Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. As Mark Twain once said, the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. The truth is I’ve been in hibernation, building my strength so I can come back stronger than ever. I’m sure you’ve been taking good care of things while I’ve been gone, so let’s just take a quick look around…

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? ISIS? Donald Trump? Dengue fever? Dengue fucking fever? I swear, I leave you people alone for five minutes and- 

You know what, forget it. I’m going back to sleep. You can be sure you’ll be talking to your father when he gets home. And I want you to know, I’m not disappointed, just angry.


Dating Advice From Famous Poets


Maya Angelou

By York College ISLGP [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By York College ISLGP [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Dear Ms. Angelou,

I’m writing to you because I’m quite vexed over my father’s intractable position vis-à-vis the proposal of my commencing a relationship with a boy. I am fully capable of making my own decisions, having already attained twelve full years of age, and while I have not yet reached menarche, I am still as much a woman grown as any of the other girls in my class, many of whom have already gone on one or more dates. I think he is being completely unreasonable. What say you?

Signed,

A Caged Bird, Too

 

Dear Fledgling,

A free bird leaps
on the back of the wind
and risks unknown
are hers to embrace
without a care
to cast aside the chains
of a life left behind.

But a bird that stalks
down her narrow cage
held back by father’s
blindness and fear
her wings are clipped and
she knows not why
so she opens her throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and her tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

The free bird gets cruel education
on the price of casual flirtation
and the handsome boys not as good as their word
and her eyes with tears are blurred.

But a caged bird knows more than a father could
He’d lighten up if he understood
But he still says “no” and locks the doors
so she opens her throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and her tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

 

Edgar Allen Poe

Daguerreotype of Edgar Allan Poe, known as the "Annie" Daguerreotype.

Daguerreotype of Edgar Allan Poe, known as the “Annie” Daguerreotype.

Dear Mr. Poe,

I’m planning to propose to the love of my life, my beautiful girlfriend of many years, and I want to do it somewhere special, someplace so magical she’ll never forget it. Can you offer any suggestions?

Thanks,

Searching for the Moment

 

Dear Lost in the Moment,

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
I proposed to a girl you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;–

Let’s just say things didn’t exactly work out
The way that I thought they would be.
If I had it all to do over
In that kingdom by the sea,
We would have just gone out to a nice dinner–
I and my Annabel Lee.

My advice? Bundle up, stay inside, stay warm —
STAY AWAY FROM THE SEA.

 

Dr. Seuss

Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) half-length portrait, seated at desk covered with his books / World Telegram & Sun photo by Al Ravenna

Ted Geisel (Dr. Seuss) half-length portrait, seated at desk covered with his books / World Telegram & Sun photo by Al Ravenna

Dear Dr. Seuss,

I’m not sure who to ask about this, but here goes. I’ve started noticing the boys in my class, and I think I like them, you know, in that way. Which would be great, except I’m a boy too.  Which I guess means I’m gay? And some people say being gay is bad, and other people say it’s not, and I just don’t know what to think. What do you think?

Signed,

Confused and Lost

 

Dear Lost and Found,

There once was a girl named Julie Madevin,
A charming young thing the age of eleven.
She had a crush on a boy in her class,
The boy known as Billy Sassafrass.
Julie thought that he was quite alright;
His eyes were blue, his pants were tight.
But there was something the other kids would say:
They all insisted that Billy was gay.
Julie didn’t know what to do,
So she ran home and asked her mommies two.
They told her this was quite alright,
And Julie slept quite well that night.

 

Lord Byron

George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron, by Richard Westall, from National Portrait Gallery, London.

George Gordon Byron, 6th Baron Byron, by Richard Westall, from National Portrait Gallery, London.

Dear Lord Byron,

I want to do something really special for my wife for Valentine’s Day this year. It’s been a rough year, and I really want to show her I love her more than anything in the world. You’re renowned as one of the greatest romantics of all time; can you please give me something to show her just how much I love her?

Signed,

Truly Desperately In Love

 

Dear Truly Desperate,

I dunno. Flowers?

 

 


The Narcissus Award


Let’s face it: I’m pretty great. No, strike that. I’m fucking amazing. And nobody knows that better than I do. I looked around for a way to reward myself for being so wonderfully me, and I just couldn’t find anything that was worthy of my magnificence, so I went out and created one (because I’m just that damn talented*). I present to you the Narcissus Award for Blogging Excellence and All Around Awesomeness.

Because I'm worth it.

Yes, I think that about sums it up.

You may be thinking, “But Bob! There are already so many blogging awards out there, and didn’t you win one already? Why create another one?” Thank you for asking. Yes, I did already win one, because that’s just how great I am. But the truth is nobody appreciates me like I do, because nobody else can. That’s why I created this award. It shows the brilliance, the perspicacity, the sheer audacious vision, and of course the humility of the recipient all in one masterful stroke.

Should you (erroneously) think you are deserving of the Narcissus Award, here are the rules:

  1. Nobody can give the award to you except yourself. After all, who else is wise enough to truly recognize the scope of your contributions to humanity?
  2. Display it prominently on your own blog. It’s not bragging, it’s simply acknowledging your greatness, which everyone else should be doing anyway.
  3. Be sure to link back to the blog you stole  appropriated rightfully acquired it from. After all, how can others appreciate your genius without having something to compare it to?
  4. Be sure to copy and paste these rules along with your new award, in case someone else makes the mistake of thinking they are somehow better than you.
  5. Feel free to ignore any and all of these rules. After all, only you really understand you.

 

 

 

*It’s within the realm of possibility I may have had some design help from Navare Carter, which is completely irrelevant except to prove just how awesomely generous I am to acknowledge him in the same breath as my fantastic self. You’re welcome, Navare.


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men of Genius – Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men of Genius

♫♪♫ (Real Men of Genius.) ♫♪♫

Today we salute you, Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer.

♫♪♫ (Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer!) ♫♪♫

You’re the greatest tactician of your generation, but you still wheeze when you walk more than twenty feet.

♫♪♫ (Give me an endurance check!) ♫♪♫

You can conquer a gargantuan white great wyrm, but you can’t seem to conquer a shower.

♫♪♫ (What IS that smell?) ♫♪♫

The only time you’ve seen a real woman is when that one lady accidentally wandered into your favorite gaming store that night.

♫♪♫ (A hush fell over the room!) ♫♪♫

So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer. Because Saturday night’s all right for imaginary fights.

♫♪♫ (Mr. Tabletop Role-Playing Gamer!) ♫♪♫


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius


My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius

♫♪♫ (Real Men and Women of Genius.) ♫♪♫

Today we salute you, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher.

♫♪♫(Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!)♫♪♫

Only you would choose to get a Master’s degree so you can go back to school… making minimum wage.

♫♪♫ (Sounds like a crappy deal!) ♫♪♫

Others might work for money or a cause, but you work for eighty screaming kids and their batshit crazy parents.
♫♪♫ (Not another email!) ♫♪♫

Sure, we talk a good game about the children being the future, but we’re still going to vote down every tax hike for education, and you soldier on anyway.

♫♪♫ (Not getting a raise!) ♫♪♫

So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher. Because at least summer is right around the corner.

♫♪♫ (Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!) ♫♪♫

 


Love is in the Air


Spring has at last sprung, and as the great cycle continues, so does a person’s fancy turn at this time of year to thoughts of love. But not everyone expresses that fancy in the same way. Let’s pause for a moment and consider how different folks might express themselves using a classic formula.

 

Atheist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

That has nothing to do with God, because He doesn’t exist.

 

Feminist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Infantilizing love poetry is a sign of the Patriarchy.

 

Surrealist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Green fish toaster.

 

Dog

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I already peed on them, are you gonna eat that?

 

Cat

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Who cares? Worship me.

 

Teacher

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Stop running in the halls and keep your hands to yourself.

 

Jewish Mother

Roses are red, violets are blue,

When are you going to come visit? And what, I don’t even get a phone call?

 

Engineer

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Redundancy is good, and violets are blue.

 

Anarcho-Capitalist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

You can have as many of each as you like for the right price.

 

Communist

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I take them from the rich and give them to you.

 

Right Wing Radio Host

Roses are red, violets are blue,

We’d have more flowers if it weren’t for government regulations stifling American innovation; I personally blame Barrack HUSSEIN Obama and his kleptocratic cronies who insist on bleeding average Americans dry so they can support their bloated bureaucracy rather than let the free market decide what the people ACTUALLY want, unless of course that something happens to clash with my own personal morals and beliefs.

 

Left Wing Radio Host

Roses are red, violets are blue,

You’re listening to NPR.

 


The Fortune Cookie Game


The other day I was having lunch with Keri at a Chinese restaurant, and of course we enjoyed the Fortune Cookie Game after our meal. For those of you who aren’t aware, the way it works is that you take your fortune from the cookie as written and append the phrase “in bed” to the end. Not only does this yield hilarious results, they often make more sense than the original fortune.

I started riffing on the sorts of fortunes that would be most appropriate for this sort of game, and Keri suggested I write them down and share them with you all. I decided to take up the challenge, and have listed here everything I could think of that made sense as a fortune cookie fortune (as much as they ever do) but was even better when you play the game.

Feel free to offer your suggestions in the comments!

 

He who speaks before he thinks dines alone.

Never come between a man and his best friend.

A truly determined person will never be lonely.

I come from a land down under.

Always say “please” and “thank you”.

Costumes, props, lights and sound are all just window dressing; the play’s the thing.

The limits of the body are determined by the limits of the imagination.

Nobody likes a quitter.

A man is measured by the scope of his dreams and the reach of his grasp.

Fast pay makes fast friends.

Anything you say can and will be used against you.

The ability to endure, above all other gifts, is the most precious.

It’s rude to make faces.

There is nothing wrong with being early or being late, so long as you arrive in time for the main event.

Thank you for not smoking.

The keeping of animals is not permitted.

Nobody gets to choose their own nickname.

You must be at least 18 years old to enjoy this attraction.

Excepting rare and self-evident circumstances don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.

Listening is underrated.

There’s nothing wrong with asking permission.

There are no spectator sports.

For all its flaws, democracy is still the superior choice.

A true gentleman carries a handkerchief, never asks a woman her age, and always lets a lady go first.

Please silence all cell phones and pagers.

If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish any goal.

Nobody likes a rules lawyer.

Snacks are always welcome, but a proper guest cleans up after themselves.

Always save the last dance for the partner you came with.

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Keep your friends close, but keep your enemas closer.

It’s easier to get permission than to ask forgiveness.