Ol’ Man Winter
Posted: March 17, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: culture, humor, Ol' Man River, parody, satire, Show Boat Leave a commentOl’ man Winter,
Dat ol man Winter,
He act like a playa,
But he mus’ be a hater,
He jes’ keeps trollin’
He keeps on trollin’ along.
He don’ like birdies,
He don’ like flowers,
An’ dem dat likes ‘em
Is shovelin’ fo’ hours.
But ol’man Winter,
He jes keeps trollin’along.
You an’me, we sweat an’ strain,
Body all achin’ an’ racket wid pain,
Tote dat salt!
Lif’ dat snow!
Drive on ice
An’ away you go.
Ah gits weary
An’ sick of tryin’
Ah’m tired of shovelin’
To the point of cryin’,
But ol’ man Winter,
He jes’keeps trollin’ along.
[musical interlude]
Don’t look up
An’ don’t look down,
You don’ want to see
De white stuff around.
Bend your knees
An’bow your head,
An’ lift that shovel
Until your dead.
Ol’ man Winter,
Dat ol man Winter,
He act like a playa,
But he mus’ be a hater,
He jes’ keeps trollin’
He keeps on trollin’ along.
Long ol’ Winter forever keeps trollin’ on…
What’s REALLY Going on in Crimea?
Posted: March 7, 2014 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: comedy, Crimea, humor, politics, Putin, Russia, satire, Ukraine, USSR, Vladimir Putin 3 CommentsThere’s a lot of speculation going around lately about what’s the source of all the trouble in the Crimea region of Ukraine. Many are blaming Moscow for stirring up trouble, possibly as a precursor to an invasion. I’m here to reassure you now that the truth is something far, far more sinister:
It’s the people at Rand McNally.
To understand why, you have to go all the way back to the end of the 1980s and the beginning of the 1990s. Things were looking good at first for high school students; we had one less Germany to memorize for Geography class, and only one Berlin to worry about, but we still had it pretty easy as far as Eastern Europe and Asia went. Basically all you had to know was “U.S.S.R.” and “China” and you got at least a C.
Then suddenly the U.S.S.R. broke up without any warning, and overnight we’ve got a Georgia that was never on our minds, more –ia’s than a Cthulhu summoning, and so many Stans you’d think it was a callback for “A Streetcar Named Desire”. In short, we got screwed. Oh sure, you might think the concerns of a few high school students pale in comparison to the desperate need to live free of tyranny, but you are overlooking one key element: these were the future mapmakers of the world. And nobody messes with mapmakers with impunity.
They bided their time, waiting decades to get all the pieces in place. They manipulated elections, staged revolutions, and even plotted assassinations where they needed to. Think I’m being paranoid? Think about this: they know where you live. They know where everybody lives. Nobody dares to cross them, not if they know what’s good for them. Do you really believe the Apple Maps roll-out was such a disaster because Apple can’t design an app? They wouldn’t play ball, and they got punished for it. Google pays their dues every month.
And now those poor high school kids who failed Geography because of a bunch of whiners who yearned to be free of a totalitarian regime are finally getting their ultimate revenge. They’ve manipulated the world and Russia in particular to dance to their merciless tune, all for one purpose: to thin out the number of countries they have to print on a map.
Hey, it’s less crazy than anything Vladimir Putin can come up with.
Neverland University
Posted: January 6, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: college, comedy, culture, education, humor, literature, Peter Pan, satire 2 CommentsAre you interested in making more money? Do you want a career, not just a job? Are you interested in finding a school that will provide you with a quality education at an affordable price? If so, consider Neverland University!
Our sprawling campus offers a diverse set of experiences for anyone, regardless of your field of study. Whether your interest is botany, culinary arts, or even military history there’s something for you here. We pride ourselves on maintaining an open and friendly atmosphere where none of our students is left to feel like an orphan.
For those who are interested in extracurricular activities, we have a wide range of options to choose from. The Lambda Betas are the most popular fraternity on campus, but there are plenty of other activities too. We maintain a Navy ROTC program, and from swimming to camping, there are all kinds of outdoor fun to be had. We’ve also recently changed our school mascot from the politically insensitive Indian to the environmentally conscious Crocodile. That hasn’t stopped us from maintaining a friendly rivalry with our neighboring school, the Buccaneers!
So if you’re serious about graduating from college while you’re still young enough to take advantage of your degree, just send your application to the second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning.
The Perils of Big Data
Posted: November 4, 2013 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: big data, Boy Scouts, BSA, comedy, culture, humor, NSA, satire Leave a commentWASHINGTON, DC – The NSA announced today that, working in cooperation with several other branches of the Department of Homeland Security, they have managed to identify a massive underground homegrown terrorist organization here in America. This organization has been active for decades, secretly working to recruit and train operatives in survival skills, weapons training, and small unit tactics to some unknown purpose. Speculation has it that high-ranking and long term members of this elite organization have even managed to infiltrate our very government, even to the highest levels. They go by the code name “The Boy Scouts”.
These individuals can be identified by the highly stylized “uniforms” they wear, as well as their ritualistic chants and secret signals. They reward members with recognition for completing missions and earning “merit badges”, as well as attempting to ingratiate themselves into the wider community. Sleeper cells have been found across the United States and even in other countries. Radio and internet chatter has been picked up about some sort of mass gathering code named “Jamboree”.
They support themselves through private high-pressure collections in local areas, taking “donations” and “selling” door to door, an obvious front (because really, who even buys popcorn kernels anymore?) Their primary targets for recruitment are boys between the ages of 13-18, although they are believed to have an affiliate group that targets younger boys, as well as a sister organization that targets females and has a much more successful fundraising operation dealing in highly addictive narcotics.
If approached by one of these “Boy Scouts”, citizens are advised to remain calm and move away slowly. Their primary goal at this time seems to be focused on recruitment of young men, except for homosexuals.
The NSA Knows
Posted: October 4, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: Bill of Rights, comedy, freedom, humor, liberty, NSA, politics, satire Leave a commentThe NSA Knows
(Sung to the tune of “Anything Goes” by Cole Porter)
Times have changed,
As I’m sure we can all agree,
Since the Americans rebelled
And they created a country.
If today,
They should list several Rights of Man,
Instead of answering the call,
They would be tossed into the can!
In olden days the Fourth Amendment
Was looked on as something sacred,
But Snowden showed,
The NSA knows.
You thought your email, text and Facebook
Were safe from some spook taking a look.
Under your nose,
The NSA knows.
The world has gone mad today
And good’s bad today,
And black’s white today,
And day’s night today,
When warrants today
Are issued today
By secret courts today
And though I’m not a philosopher
I know that it’s unpopular
When you propose,
The NSA knows.
When grandmama whose age is eighty
In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo’s,
The NSA knows.
When something’s done in South America
Particularly Brazil and Mexico,
The NSA knows.
If driving fast cars you like,
If low bars you like,
If old hymns you like,
If bare limbs you like,
If Mae West you like
Or me undressed you like,
Watch for agents in plainclothes!
Your Google drive
Has tax returns
Or your Flickr account shows your friends in nude photos?
The NSA knows.
If saying your prayers you like,
If green pears you like,
If old chairs you like,
If back stairs you like,
If love affairs you like
With young bears you like,
Watch out for privacy’s foes!
And though I’m not a philosopher
I know that it’s unpopular
And I propose –
The NSA goes!
Pork It Up
Posted: March 29, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: budget, campaign finance reform, humor, politics, satire 7 Comments(To the tune of “Tik Tok” by Kesha)
Wake up in the morning feeling like Maynard-Keynes,
I’m out the door, I got my glasses, I’m gonna make some Gs.
Before I leave stuff my pockets with plenty of Bens,
‘Cause in this city that’s the only way to make you some friends.
I’m calling Senators on the Hill, Hill,
Marking up a big bill, bill,
Trying to get my fill, fill.
Drop-dropping donations everywhere, where
Gotta use lots of care, care-
FEC’s starting to stare…
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up,
Tonight I’mma fight to get you to subsidize!
Tit for tat government is where the real power’s at!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
Ain’t got no values in the world, but got PAC money to spare.
They care to claim about folks back home but they’re already here.
Now the politicians line up ‘cause it’s close to an election
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they bring home the bacon.
I’m talking everybody getting new roads, roads,
Public television shows, shows,
Plus new portable phones, phones!
Now, now we’ll spend until the money runs out,
Or the voters come and shut us down, voters come and shut us down,
Voters shut us down, voters shut us do-
Higher tariffs! Subsidies! Smaller government? Please!
That ain’t right, I’mma fight against laws for sunlight!
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
D’s and R’s-
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
D’s and R’s-
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
You build me up, you tear me down,
You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.
With my hands up
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up!
Put your hands up!
No the debt don’t start ‘til I walk in.
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up,
Tonight I’mma fight to get you to subsidize!
Tit for tat government is where the real power’s at!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
Higher tariffs! Subsidies! Smaller government? Please!
That ain’t right, I’mma fight against laws for sunlight!
Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up!
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!
Sequester Bop
Posted: February 27, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: humor, politics, satire, sequester, sequestration Leave a commentSequester Bop
(To the tune of The Ramones Blitzkrieg Bop)
Hey, ho! Let’s go! Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go! Hey, ho! Let’s go!
They’re selling us a party line. They’re gonna fix it this time.
Politicians losing their minds, Sequester Bop!
They’re running out of money, goin’ crazy down on K Street,
It’s gonna get real bloody, Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, blowing through the cash now!
What they want I don’t know, all revved up and nowhere to go!
GOP blames the Democrats, then they get it right back,
And now here comes the news flack, Sequester Bop!
They’re fleeing out of D.C., they’re selling out you and me,
The politics are plain to see, Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, stab us in the back now!
What they want, they don’t know, all revved up and nowhere to go!
Whether righty or a lefty, they don’t care about the country,
They’re screwing the economy, Sequester Bop!
They’re generating hot air, the truth is that they don’t care,
The people haven’t got a prayer! Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, pander to the base now!
Who they’re fooling I don’t know, but it’s time for them to go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Bonus post: DIY Demotivators
Posted: February 7, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Satire | Tags: Demotivators, humor, satire Leave a commentI was inspired recently to create a couple Demotivational posters. If you’re as much of a fan as I am (I’ve loved them ever since my sister got me a calendar several years ago), check ’em out, and be sure to go buy some so they keep producing more!
A Vote for Me is a Vote for America
Posted: October 22, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: America, comedy, culture, election, humor, politics, pop culture, popular culture, satire, voting 2 CommentsEarly voting has begun, and so I have decided it’s time to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I was considering explaining my positions on various key issues, but after studying my opponents’ campaigns in depth I realized that was the wrong strategy. Instead I have decided to emulate their approach and connect with you, the voters. I’m going to explain why you should vote for me, because I’m one of you.
If you’re young, hey, I was young once. I get you. If you’re old, I plan to be old someday. And if you’re somewhere in between, that’s where I’m at right now.
If you’re a man, what a coincidence! So am I. And if you’re a woman, hey, let’s hear it for the X chromosome! You’ve got one, I’ve got one, you’ve got another one. It’s like we’re half-sisters!
If you’re poor, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. If you’re rich, I want to know what it’s like. And if you’re in the middle class, I probably live next door to you.
For the white people out there, nothing to worry about, I’m as white as Mitt Romney. And if you’re a minority, I spent a whole half-hour in Southeast D.C. once, so I can relate.
If you’re a college graduate, I’ve been to college. If you’re not a college graduate, neither am I! I’m the middle of the road candidate America has been crying out for.
Hablo español.
If there’s a cause you support, let me assure you that there’s twelve months and 365 days in a year. Depending on the number of votes you can deliver, I can hook you up with an Awareness Month or a federal holiday. Trust me, I’m good for it.
I have voted Republican, Democrat, and Libertarian. No matter what you are for or against, I am both for and against it.
I believe in the same God you do, which is to say I worship the Almighty Dollar.
I’ve been crushed by student debt, I’ve been crushed by credit card debt, and I was crushed when Bella chose Edward over Jacob.
I will never pander for your vote unless you want me to.
I promise to cut taxes, cut the deficit, save Social Security, and save you a bunch of money on your car insurance.
I vow I will not bail out Wall Street, I will bail out Main Street, and I always buy American.
I am The Boy Who Lived.
I believe in climate change, and I’m all for it.
I support the right for any loving couple, no matter their gender, to get a divorce.
I believe America needs to get back to work, and America works best when we all pull together towards a common goal. That’s why I’m asking you, my fellow Americans, to work to support me in my campaign to be President of the United States.
Thank you, and Almighty Dollar bless.
. And be sure to leave a review with your not so humble opinion!
My Not So Humble Opinion 