Pork It Up


(To the tune of “Tik Tok” by Kesha)

 

Wake up in the morning feeling like Maynard-Keynes,

I’m out the door, I got my glasses, I’m gonna make some Gs.

Before I leave stuff my pockets with plenty of Bens,

‘Cause in this city that’s the only way to make you some friends.

I’m calling Senators on the Hill, Hill,

Marking up a big bill, bill,

Trying to get my fill, fill.

Drop-dropping donations everywhere, where

Gotta use lots of care, care-

FEC’s starting to stare…

Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up,

Tonight I’mma fight to get you to subsidize!

Tit for tat government is where the real power’s at!

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!

Ain’t got no values in the world, but got PAC money to spare.

They care to claim about folks back home but they’re already here.

Now the politicians line up ‘cause it’s close to an election

But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they bring home the bacon.

I’m talking everybody getting new roads, roads,

Public television shows, shows,

Plus new portable phones, phones!

Now, now we’ll spend until the money runs out,

Or the voters come and shut us down, voters come and shut us down,

Voters shut us down, voters shut us do-

Higher tariffs! Subsidies! Smaller government? Please!

That ain’t right, I’mma fight against laws for sunlight!

Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up!

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!

D’s and R’s-

You build me up, you tear me down,

You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.

You build me up, you tear me down,

You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.

D’s and R’s-

You build me up, you tear me down,

You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.

You build me up, you tear me down,

You got me spinning around, yeah you got me.

With my hands up

Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!

No the debt don’t start ‘til I walk in.

Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up,

Tonight I’mma fight to get you to subsidize!

Tit for tat government is where the real power’s at!

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!

Higher tariffs! Subsidies! Smaller government? Please!

That ain’t right, I’mma fight against laws for sunlight!

Don’t stop, pork it up, chairman blow my budget up!

Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh!

 

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Campaign Silence Reform


This has been a particularly loud year for the “get money out of politics” crowd. Certainly the Citizens United decision didn’t do much for them, but I have to admit I’ve never understood the big push to get money out of politics in the first place. Setting aside jokes about an honest politician being one who stays bought, the reasoning behind trying to get money out of politics seems to be, as I understand it, that rich people will simply buy influence and we lesser folk will simply be ignored.

I’d like to explore how that works two ways. First, let’s consider a world in which we don’t allow anyone to donate at all to political campaigns. After all, money doesn’t equal speech, right? So no need to let anyone donate to any candidate. But then does that mean candidates only get to spend their own money? How does that stop rich people from just buying elections directly? Unless we want to stop them from spending their own money to express their own personal views, and that’s a case where I don’t think I’m conflating money with speech, I’m conflating “speech” with “speech”.

And what about the newspapers? Do we silence them as well? Do the editorial boards get to keep endorsing the candidates of their choice? Or do they have to rely on silly work-arounds, perhaps offering “report cards” for each candidate on the issues, making it clear that one candidate gets straight “A”s and another nothing but failing marks, but we’re not endorsing anyone! Either way, what’s to stop the wealthy or corporations from buying the newspapers and TV networks (like they haven’t already) and pushing the agenda of their choice (sounds like a pretty foxy idea, wish I had thought of that…)?

So if we can’t shut out the rich and the news, do we only shut out “the lower classes”? That’s what we’ve been trying to avoid, isn’t it? Then perhaps the alternative is to simply allow anyone who wants to donate to contribute as much money as they want, but we put it all into one big pot of money, and then the money gets distributed evenly to anyone who wants some. Aside from the question of “who’s a legitimate candidate” (that’s like defining legitimate rape), even if you managed to answer that you’d end up with money from a dedicated feminist supporting Todd Akin and money from a neo-Nazi going to support Al Sharpton. Public financing of campaigns is basically the same idea only worse: people don’t even get to decide if they want to play (or pay) at all.

The other problem with the “big pot o’ money” approach is the issue of bundling for impact. Sure politicians care what you say, as long as your opinion comes wrapped in a check, and the bigger the check the bigger your opinion, which is what started us down the whole path in the first place. If you don’t believe that, then you should have no problem with rich people and corporations donating as much as they want to any politician at any time, because it doesn’t matter. If you do believe it, then you are faced with the issue of lots and lots of little people trying to get their voices heard individually… or gathering together as one to have some real impact. Sure, the rich people can do the same thing, but they don’t need to, or at least, they don’t have as much need to. So what you end up with is a classic Catch-22: either money doesn’t influence politics, in which case we don’t need laws to stop money from being in politics, or money does influence politics… in which case we don’t need laws to stop money from being in politics. When you hear a politician calling for “getting money out of politics”, it’s usually one of two major choices: an incumbent who benefits over challengers from “campaign finance reform”, or some “outsider candidate” who is having trouble raising money. Like anything else, check the incentives before you go thinking this is altruism or any sense of “for the public good”.

Ever since I can remember, money and politics have gone together like sex and teenagers: “it’s a problem”, “it’s an epidemic”, “it’s ruining our society”, and as far as I can tell from my own limited experience, it’s a non-issue. As best as I can tell the real fear isn’t that people will make a choice they didn’t want to make, or (like this never happened) an uniformed choice, the real concern is that people will make the wrong choice. By what standard? Well, that’s really a matter of opinion, isn’t it? When I hear someone calling for campaign finance reform, what I most often hear them really saying is “other people are idiots but I’m not.”