The Narcissus Award
Posted: June 6, 2014 Filed under: Humor, Internet, Satire | Tags: award, blogging, humor, internet, narcissism, Narcissus Award, satire 7 CommentsLet’s face it: I’m pretty great. No, strike that. I’m fucking amazing. And nobody knows that better than I do. I looked around for a way to reward myself for being so wonderfully me, and I just couldn’t find anything that was worthy of my magnificence, so I went out and created one (because I’m just that damn talented*). I present to you the Narcissus Award for Blogging Excellence and All Around Awesomeness.
Yes, I think that about sums it up.
You may be thinking, “But Bob! There are already so many blogging awards out there, and didn’t you win one already? Why create another one?” Thank you for asking. Yes, I did already win one, because that’s just how great I am. But the truth is nobody appreciates me like I do, because nobody else can. That’s why I created this award. It shows the brilliance, the perspicacity, the sheer audacious vision, and of course the humility of the recipient all in one masterful stroke.
Should you (erroneously) think you are deserving of the Narcissus Award, here are the rules:
- Nobody can give the award to you except yourself. After all, who else is wise enough to truly recognize the scope of your contributions to humanity?
- Display it prominently on your own blog. It’s not bragging, it’s simply acknowledging your greatness, which everyone else should be doing anyway.
- Be sure to link back to the blog you stole appropriated rightfully acquired it from. After all, how can others appreciate your genius without having something to compare it to?
- Be sure to copy and paste these rules along with your new award, in case someone else makes the mistake of thinking they are somehow better than you.
- Feel free to ignore any and all of these rules. After all, only you really understand you.
*It’s within the realm of possibility I may have had some design help from Navare Carter, which is completely irrelevant except to prove just how awesomely generous I am to acknowledge him in the same breath as my fantastic self. You’re welcome, Navare.
My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius
Posted: May 8, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: education, humor, public schools, Real Men of Genius, satire, Teacher Appreciation Week, teachers Leave a commentMy Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius
♫♪♫ (Real Men and Women of Genius.) ♫♪♫
Today we salute you, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher.
♫♪♫(Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!)♫♪♫
Only you would choose to get a Master’s degree so you can go back to school… making minimum wage.
♫♪♫ (Sounds like a crappy deal!) ♫♪♫
Others might work for money or a cause, but you work for eighty screaming kids and their batshit crazy parents.
♫♪♫ (Not another email!) ♫♪♫
Sure, we talk a good game about the children being the future, but we’re still going to vote down every tax hike for education, and you soldier on anyway.
♫♪♫ (Not getting a raise!) ♫♪♫
So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher. Because at least summer is right around the corner.
♫♪♫ (Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!) ♫♪♫
Love is in the Air
Posted: May 5, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: humor, love, poetry, satire 2 CommentsSpring has at last sprung, and as the great cycle continues, so does a person’s fancy turn at this time of year to thoughts of love. But not everyone expresses that fancy in the same way. Let’s pause for a moment and consider how different folks might express themselves using a classic formula.
Atheist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
That has nothing to do with God, because He doesn’t exist.
Feminist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Infantilizing love poetry is a sign of the Patriarchy.
Surrealist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Green fish toaster.
Dog
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I already peed on them, are you gonna eat that?
Cat
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Who cares? Worship me.
Teacher
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Stop running in the halls and keep your hands to yourself.
Jewish Mother
Roses are red, violets are blue,
When are you going to come visit? And what, I don’t even get a phone call?
Engineer
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Redundancy is good, and violets are blue.
Anarcho-Capitalist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
You can have as many of each as you like for the right price.
Communist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I take them from the rich and give them to you.
Right Wing Radio Host
Roses are red, violets are blue,
We’d have more flowers if it weren’t for government regulations stifling American innovation; I personally blame Barrack HUSSEIN Obama and his kleptocratic cronies who insist on bleeding average Americans dry so they can support their bloated bureaucracy rather than let the free market decide what the people ACTUALLY want, unless of course that something happens to clash with my own personal morals and beliefs.
Left Wing Radio Host
Roses are red, violets are blue,
You’re listening to NPR.
Ol’ Man Winter
Posted: March 17, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: culture, humor, Ol' Man River, parody, satire, Show Boat Leave a commentOl’ man Winter,
Dat ol man Winter,
He act like a playa,
But he mus’ be a hater,
He jes’ keeps trollin’
He keeps on trollin’ along.
He don’ like birdies,
He don’ like flowers,
An’ dem dat likes ‘em
Is shovelin’ fo’ hours.
But ol’man Winter,
He jes keeps trollin’along.
You an’me, we sweat an’ strain,
Body all achin’ an’ racket wid pain,
Tote dat salt!
Lif’ dat snow!
Drive on ice
An’ away you go.
Ah gits weary
An’ sick of tryin’
Ah’m tired of shovelin’
To the point of cryin’,
But ol’ man Winter,
He jes’keeps trollin’ along.
[musical interlude]
Don’t look up
An’ don’t look down,
You don’ want to see
De white stuff around.
Bend your knees
An’bow your head,
An’ lift that shovel
Until your dead.
Ol’ man Winter,
Dat ol man Winter,
He act like a playa,
But he mus’ be a hater,
He jes’ keeps trollin’
He keeps on trollin’ along.
Long ol’ Winter forever keeps trollin’ on…
What’s REALLY Going on in Crimea?
Posted: March 7, 2014 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: comedy, Crimea, humor, politics, Putin, Russia, satire, Ukraine, USSR, Vladimir Putin 3 CommentsThere’s a lot of speculation going around lately about what’s the source of all the trouble in the Crimea region of Ukraine. Many are blaming Moscow for stirring up trouble, possibly as a precursor to an invasion. I’m here to reassure you now that the truth is something far, far more sinister:
It’s the people at Rand McNally.
To understand why, you have to go all the way back to the end of the 1980s and the beginning of the 1990s. Things were looking good at first for high school students; we had one less Germany to memorize for Geography class, and only one Berlin to worry about, but we still had it pretty easy as far as Eastern Europe and Asia went. Basically all you had to know was “U.S.S.R.” and “China” and you got at least a C.
Then suddenly the U.S.S.R. broke up without any warning, and overnight we’ve got a Georgia that was never on our minds, more –ia’s than a Cthulhu summoning, and so many Stans you’d think it was a callback for “A Streetcar Named Desire”. In short, we got screwed. Oh sure, you might think the concerns of a few high school students pale in comparison to the desperate need to live free of tyranny, but you are overlooking one key element: these were the future mapmakers of the world. And nobody messes with mapmakers with impunity.
They bided their time, waiting decades to get all the pieces in place. They manipulated elections, staged revolutions, and even plotted assassinations where they needed to. Think I’m being paranoid? Think about this: they know where you live. They know where everybody lives. Nobody dares to cross them, not if they know what’s good for them. Do you really believe the Apple Maps roll-out was such a disaster because Apple can’t design an app? They wouldn’t play ball, and they got punished for it. Google pays their dues every month.
And now those poor high school kids who failed Geography because of a bunch of whiners who yearned to be free of a totalitarian regime are finally getting their ultimate revenge. They’ve manipulated the world and Russia in particular to dance to their merciless tune, all for one purpose: to thin out the number of countries they have to print on a map.
Hey, it’s less crazy than anything Vladimir Putin can come up with.
Neverland University
Posted: January 6, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: college, comedy, culture, education, humor, literature, Peter Pan, satire 2 CommentsAre you interested in making more money? Do you want a career, not just a job? Are you interested in finding a school that will provide you with a quality education at an affordable price? If so, consider Neverland University!
Our sprawling campus offers a diverse set of experiences for anyone, regardless of your field of study. Whether your interest is botany, culinary arts, or even military history there’s something for you here. We pride ourselves on maintaining an open and friendly atmosphere where none of our students is left to feel like an orphan.
For those who are interested in extracurricular activities, we have a wide range of options to choose from. The Lambda Betas are the most popular fraternity on campus, but there are plenty of other activities too. We maintain a Navy ROTC program, and from swimming to camping, there are all kinds of outdoor fun to be had. We’ve also recently changed our school mascot from the politically insensitive Indian to the environmentally conscious Crocodile. That hasn’t stopped us from maintaining a friendly rivalry with our neighboring school, the Buccaneers!
So if you’re serious about graduating from college while you’re still young enough to take advantage of your degree, just send your application to the second star to the right and straight on ‘til morning.
The Perils of Big Data
Posted: November 4, 2013 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: big data, Boy Scouts, BSA, comedy, culture, humor, NSA, satire Leave a commentWASHINGTON, DC – The NSA announced today that, working in cooperation with several other branches of the Department of Homeland Security, they have managed to identify a massive underground homegrown terrorist organization here in America. This organization has been active for decades, secretly working to recruit and train operatives in survival skills, weapons training, and small unit tactics to some unknown purpose. Speculation has it that high-ranking and long term members of this elite organization have even managed to infiltrate our very government, even to the highest levels. They go by the code name “The Boy Scouts”.
These individuals can be identified by the highly stylized “uniforms” they wear, as well as their ritualistic chants and secret signals. They reward members with recognition for completing missions and earning “merit badges”, as well as attempting to ingratiate themselves into the wider community. Sleeper cells have been found across the United States and even in other countries. Radio and internet chatter has been picked up about some sort of mass gathering code named “Jamboree”.
They support themselves through private high-pressure collections in local areas, taking “donations” and “selling” door to door, an obvious front (because really, who even buys popcorn kernels anymore?) Their primary targets for recruitment are boys between the ages of 13-18, although they are believed to have an affiliate group that targets younger boys, as well as a sister organization that targets females and has a much more successful fundraising operation dealing in highly addictive narcotics.
If approached by one of these “Boy Scouts”, citizens are advised to remain calm and move away slowly. Their primary goal at this time seems to be focused on recruitment of young men, except for homosexuals.
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My Not So Humble Opinion 