Dating Advice from Philosophers
Posted: July 27, 2012 Filed under: Dating, Humor | Tags: comedy, dating, men, philosophy, women 153 Comments
Public domain
Niccolo Machiavelli
Dear Machiavelli,
My friends want to throw me a bachelor party. Knowing them, it will involve strippers, booze, drugs, the works. I promised my fiancée I would stay away from that kind of stuff, but I’m really tempted to go, and I’d hate to let the guys down. What should I do?
Signed,
Tempted
My Liege,
I am unsure how to advise you in this instance, for your status in this world has much bearing on the matter. Are you a common man, or are you a prince? For it is well known that those actions which are considered most virtuous in a common man are in fact a vice in a prince, and that which would be vice for the lowest laborer is in fact raised to holy virtue when undertaken by a prince. Be you of the lower classes, stay true to your course and all will be well. Be you my liege, I pray you, indulge yourself.
Public domain (ironic, isn’t it?)
Adam Smith
Dear Adam Smith,
I’m meeting a girl for a first date, and I’m not sure what I should bring. I know tradition calls for flowers and chocolates, but do modern ladies still go for that sort of thing? Or would I just come across old fashioned?
Signed,
Lonely and Confused
Dear Consumer,
The women of this age are as they have always been and as they shall always be, a part of the broader tapestry of our economic fabric. To deny that is to deny the truth of what makes all nations mighty. If you would impress and woo the lady, I would suggest you show her that you care for your nation by supporting the lifeblood of the nation: commerce. Support the florist, the chocolatier, yea, even the dressmaker and the milliner. In this way you shall prove you are a great philanthropist as well as a mighty provider.
Public domain
Friedrich Nietzsche
Dear Nietzsche,
My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years, and we love each other very much. I’m thinking about proposing, but there’s just one problem. Ever since she was a little girl, she’s had this dream of a big church wedding. I’m agnostic, and both of my parents are atheists. I just don’t see that working out. Can you help?
Signed,
In Love but Not In Church
Dear Superman,
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. Every church is a stone on the grave of a god-man: it does not want him to rise up again under any circumstances. Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves? It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
What I’m saying here is just rent out the local VFW Hall.
© Marie-Lan Nguyen / Wikimedia Commons
Plato
Dear Plato,
My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago, and I just can’t seem to let it go. I still care about him, but I can’t get past this, and it is ruining our relationship. Should I forgive him or should I move on?
Signed,
Torn
Dear Prisoner,
What you fail to understand is that your concerns are not real. They are simply the shadows of old wounds that you cling to out of fear of losing the illusions you have lived with all your life. Throw off the shackles of your fear, and acknowledge that which torments you is naught but a specter cast by the flickering light of a neon vacancy sign. Do not turn your anger on those who would drag you into the light of truth, but rather on the one who has in truth earned it, and kick him to the curb.
Like the sun, wind, and water, this photo is public domain.
Laozi
Dear Laozi,
I feel as though my life has been spiraling out of control lately, and I just don’t know what to do. I am looking for some sense of balance, but I can’t abandon my wife to withdraw from society and meditate in nature for a lifetime. Is there some weekend course I can take to achieve enlightenment quickly?
Signed,
Seeker of Truth
Dear Ineffable One,
While in days past the search for the Tao could take a lifetime, modern society no longer has the proper respect for the venerable sage. Where the strongest oak will break in a hurricane, the supple reed will simply bend. So too does the Eternal Tao adapt to change. If you seek to understand the Way, simply wear an outfit from JCPenney while eating a sandwich from Chick-Fil-A. In this way you will know balance.
© 663highland / GNU Free Documentation License v. 1.2
Sun Tzu
Dear Sun Tzu,
My name is Jenny and I am eight years old and there’s a boy I really like and I don’t know if he likes me back and I don’t know how to ask him if he likes me and I was wondering if you could tell me how I should ask him. Thank you very much for you help.
Your freind,
Jenny
Dear Jen Ni,
The strong warrior charges in like an ox; the wise warrior is subtle and flows like water. To gauge your opponent’s intentions, send your most trusted lieutenant forward on a scouting mission to determine where he lies. If conditions seem favorable, I would suggest you send a missive of alliance, stating your intentions indirectly yet plainly, constraining your opponent’s choices to those that you would find most favorable: “Do you like me? Yes_ Very Much_”
For more, check out “Dating Advice From Historical Figures“, “Dating Advice From Mythological Creatures“, and “Dating Advice From Classical Deities“.
. And be sure to leave a review with your not so humble opinion!
My Not So Humble Opinion 
A later economist might have suggested buying only a single chocolate due to the law of diminishing returns. Adam Smith was a good choice.
On the other hand, Keynes might have suggested getting the government to buy several boxes of chocolates to boost the economy. You never can tell. Thanks for reading!
Reblogged this on Much Ado About Nothing and commented:
This is the best thing I’ve read in a while…
I appreciate that, and thanks for re-posting!
Do I like this post? Yes! Very much!
This was really hilarious. Have you been listening to Philosophy Bites Podcasts like I have?
I have not been, but I will give them a try. I did just finish a course on Asian religion and philosophy, which is what inspired me to write about Lao-Tzu.
Can you make one for Confucius then? I’m curious how that would be like.
I’ll definitely be thinking about it. As I may have mentioned before, I’m trying to follow my wife’s advice to stretch myself artistically (her words, not mine, lest I come off conceited), so I probably won’t be going back to the dating well for a while. But not to fret, I will be doing another at some point, and he’s definitely on the list. Anyone with such concern for being a gentleman must have great advice to give on dating, right?
That’s great, Bob. I will be waiting for it. This post made my day. Thanks for making me laugh like crazy.
Reblogged this on doodlejuice.
Hands down, best Freshly Pressed I’ved ever read.. This is witty, well thought out writing..
Well done!!
Wow, thank you!
Reblogged this on OurBrainHurtsAlot and commented:
This is one of the most funny and informative articles out there.
This is epic, I’m reblogging this, you should do one with Dante Alighieri talking about Beatrice 🙂
Funny you should mention that, I was just discussing the same thing with a friend at lunch today. I’m sensing a theme…
at least i now know it’s not just me
Very well…made me laugh..thank you for your philosophical view at 21st century issues
You’re very welcome, and thank you for stopping by.
Brilliant work, Bob. Thanks for the laughs; I needed them greatly =)
Thank you very much. Glad to be of service.
Reblogged this on tidbitsherethereandeverywhere.
Thanks for the write-up. I had a good laugh.
Allow me to reblog this. Hehehe.
I would be thrilled!
Hehehe. An access to a highly meaningful and intellectual romantic pursuit. =)
Reblogged this on IdogiveanF and commented:
This gave me a good laugh. =) Dating tips from the greatest philosophers of all time, anyone?
Ha! I love this! Very clever.
please write more articles of this nature.
– a funloving , goofy, never delivers a punchline, music lover.
I definitely have some more humor articles in mind, and maybe something more along these lines, although in the near future I hope to challenge myself creatively. I don’t want to go back to the well just yet. 🙂
i understand this completely. Its a masterpiece. 🙂
Wonderful and hilarious.
Reblogged this on [Mis]adventures of My Newly Single Life and commented:
This is absolutely the wittiest and smartly written posts I’ve ever read! The combination of history, humour and relationships will definitely make y’all chuckle!
xoxo
“What I’m saying here is just rent out the local VFW Hall.”
This is brilliant, good sir. I wish Nietzsche ended everything he wrote with that line. He dedicated his entire life for the promotion of local VFW Halls.
Thank you, good sir. I appreciate your kind words and your taking the time to stop by. I hope you continue to enjoy.
very witty!
This was great! You should do one with Descartes. I’d love to read that one.
Thank you! I will definitely add Descartes to my list of future victims… er, subjects. 🙂
The last one is my fav!!! Really smart post!
Very funny, you definitely have a handle on their writing styles as well. Especially liked Sun Tzu, he always was the cautious one, much like an eight year old girl!
Awesome post. Awesome! Reblogged 🙂
Glad you liked it, and thank you for re-blogging!
Reblogged this on curleduptoes.
Hahah! Takes me back to college & ‘Western Civilization’ class. We read many of these guys 🙂
Quite the coincidence, that’s where I got my first exposure to a lot of these guts, too. I’m sensing a trend… 🙂
Henry David Thoreau would recommend to retreat to the forest for a few years.
It would certainly be one way to get over a breakup, but would it be a healthy one?
If you take a lot of books and a box of cigars, yes.
Fantastic post, very creatife and funny. Great idea and good advice from the wise men!
I was able to hold on to my chair til the “Dear Jen Ni” bit! That just killed me!
Love this post!
I very much enjoyed this, Bob. Thanks for taking the time to write and share it with us.
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for taking the time to stop by!
I just read The Prince so this was very topical for me! Very funny!
Just loved this!
very delightful… nice way to unwind after a hectic day. enjoyed it.
thoroughly enjoyed it. very delightful. great post.
Eating Chick-Fil-A in an outfit purchased from JCP. That just made my day. Ah, to be so full of wit.
Lovely post!
This post is so funny! Loved it. You’re awesome! You’re like the perfect author actor (yeah I’m making up a term like that). But you wrote these so fittingly that I could imagine all these philosophers saying these things. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed. Well deserved!
Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for stopping by.
My pleasure!
Funny post 🙂 This gives a lighter side on the usually serious aura of philosophers 🙂
Very entertaining! I love Laozi’s suggestion for finding balance. These philosophers do have a few good insights on dating 😉
Great post! 😀
Would also have loved to see what Foucault, Sartre, and Derrida might say. But I liked the Nietzsche bit.
Thank you very much! I’ll have to read up more I Foucault and Derrida, but I may take a swing at Sartre next time.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….I would say something else but really my internet laughter just about does it. This was fricking hysterical.
Lost my shit reading Sun Tzu and Laozi; this is incredibly hilarious.
Great! You can’g go wrong with philosophy…. right?
nomnomnomnom (**,)
Write more!!!
Absolutely Fabulous
I’ve gone ahead and bookmarked https://mnsho.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/dating-advice-from-philosophers/ at Digg.com so my friends can see it too. I simply used Dating Advice from Philosophers My Not So Humble Opinion as the entry title in my Digg.com bookmark, as I figured if it is good enough for you to title your blog post that, then you probably would like to see it bookmarked the same way.
Love it!! FUN and smart!!
xx, Lauren
You need more readers, how isn’t this filled with comments!
[…] hilarious and this is a well written piece. If you missed the previous post he did called Dating Advice From Philosophers, you BEST get up all in that. It’s equally entertaining and definitely breaks up the monotony […]
Reblogged this on and commented:
Re-read this, and had to bring it back because I think it’s rather clever.
Thank you very much! You may also enjoy the sequels, Dating Advice from Historical Figures and Dating Advice from Mythological Creatures.