Why I Don’t Give a Shit

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that at this time I do not and cannot give a shit. I have not yet run out of give a shit, but I am perilously close to running out, and I have had to start carefully rationing my give a shit. At one point in time I was full of shit and could shoot the shit all day long, but I got the shit beat out of me and that is no longer the case. I hope that none of you take this personally, as it is nobody’s fault, except for perhaps that one guy who did that really interesting thing the other day quite unexpectedly. I had not budgeted for giving a shit about that, and it left me with a serious deficit of give a shit all day long.

You may have noticed that we are currently in a recession, and are likely to see economic conditions continue to be as shitty as they have been at least through the rest of this fiscal quarter and into the next. That being the case, you would think the government would make it easier to give a shit by producing some cheap shit just like they are producing cheap money, but instead all they keep doing is giving us expensive shit, calling it free shit and making us pay through the nose for this shit. This is surprising, considering how much bullshit they produce in Washington every day.

We have tried importing some shit from China, but that shit is extremely low quality shit for what you get. The shit they have in Europe is severely overpriced, which helps explain why they are up shit creek without a paddle. This would also help explain why the Germans, who are single-handedly supporting the shitty European economy, always look constipated.

Lacking any sort of meaningful government support, I will be forced to attempt to turn to private solutions. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone else who gives a shit either, so I’m shit out of luck. There was a time when I couldn’t give this shit away, but that time is long past. I tried turning to the church in hopes of getting some holy shit, but that shit just didn’t fly. Turns out bears are not Catholic and the Pope does not in fact shit in the woods. I figured I could try the zoo, because they’re always shoveling the shit, but the shit they had wasn’t worth a shit; it was just the same shit, different day.

When I finally get my shit together, I’ll feel like king shit, and I assure you I won’t forget the rest of you – this shit will roll downhill. If you think you’re too old for this shit, tough shit. It’ll be time to shit or get off the pot. When the shit hits the fan you better be ready to go ape shit or you’re going to be in deep shit.

I shit you not.