Instant Excuse Generator

After the long, hard winter we had, it’s nice to finally get some good weather. So nice, in fact, that it would be a shame to have to spend the whole day inside slaving away for The Man. We here at My Not So Humble Opinion understand your pain, and to help you out, we have created our patent-pending Instant Excuse Generator™.

Just select (or randomly choose!) one option from each list, and string together an excuse that any boss will buy! We guarantee that if you tell them one of these whoppers, not only will you not have to come in today, chances are good you’ll never have to worry about coming in ever again.

I was…

• Accosted
• Assaulted
• Impregnated
• Interrogated
• Confused
• Harassed
• Tickled
• Investigated
• Detained
• Mislead
• Mugged
• Teased
• Yelled at

By…

• Police
• Soldiers
• The NSA
• Circus folk
• Homeless people
• Illegal aliens
• Missionaries
• Elvis impersonators
• Intergalactic aliens
• A sympathetic Jesus-like figure
• Milli Vanilli
• An international conglomerate of discount grocery store owners
• Godzilla

As a result, I am…

• Terrified
• Injured
• Befuddled
• Delighted
• Pregnant
• Under arrest
• Being punished
• Mutating
• Signing up for their newsletter
• Their new leader
• Joining the Hair Club for Men

As such, I will not be able to come in to work today, because I will be busy…

• Filing a police report
• Fleeing for my life
• Ruling over my kingdom with an iron fist
• Making peace in the Middle East
• Suing for damages
• Doing something unspeakable
• Bathing in the warm, sweet glow of radiation
• Writing a best-seller about the experience