Nine Ravens
Posted: August 20, 2012 Filed under: Humor, Politics | Tags: America, culture, Edgar Allen Poe, humor, poetry, politics, pop culture, popular culture, Raven, satire, Supreme Court Leave a comment(With apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)
Once upon a web page I saw, that was dedicated to law,
Raven sitting on end of branch by Dave Menke, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service
(I do not recall if it was blog or wiki or something more,)
While I tried to keep from snoring (face it that stuff’s kind of boring),
There came a tapping, as of someone rapping at my study door.
” ‘Probably my wife,” I mumbled, “tapping at my study door;
Only this, and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember, it was a bleak and cold November,
The High Court’s term starting on the first Monday month before.
Desperately I wished the morrow; foolishly I sought to borrow
From Jack Daniels surcease of sorrow, sorrow caused by culture war.
Caused by the endless bickering that had been dubbed the culture war,
Discussed here nevermore.
And the monitor light glowing with new lawsuits overflowing
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now to stop the throbbing of my head, I stood there sobbing,
“It’s just the puppy trying to get in at my study door,
It must be my little puppy pawing at my study door.
That must be it; nothing more.”
Eventually I took a nip, with liquid courage got a grip,
“Whoever’s there,” I said, “I hope you don’t mind about before;
But the truth is I was… napping, when you came so gently rapping,
When you came so gently tapping, tapping at my study door.
Wasn’t really sure I heard you.” Then I opened wide the door;
Darkness there, and nothing more.
I don’t know how long I stood there, staring out at nothing but air
Questioning my sanity like so many who came before;
But there was no sound but silence, and my only sign of guidance
And the only words there spoken were the whispered words,
“Culture war?” This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words,
“Five to four!” Just this, and nothing more.
Back into my study turning, all my heart within me burning,
Soon again I heard a banging, something louder than before,
“Huh,” I said, I thought that I’d seen something just above my flat screen.
It’s outside the study window, so this mystery I’ll explore.
Let me just chill out a minute, and this mystery explore.
“It’s the wind, and nothing more.”
So I opened up the window, and suddenly what do you know?
Right in comes these nine ravens that I had never seen before.
Not a word or gesture to me; not a single “An it please thee”;
But with mien of lord and lady, perched beside my study door.
Perched upon a bench that was sitting inside my study door,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Decked with feathers black as robes, sitting with patience to match Job’s,
I attempted to establish some semblance of rapport.
“An unkindness some might call you, yes, and a conspiracy too,
To be honest that’s the sort of name-calling that I deplore.
Tell me, pray, how I should know you, oh great Scions of Baltimore.”
Quoth the ravens, “Five to four.”
I was stunned at these ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though their answer little meaning, use, or relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was given help by birds within their chamber door,
Birds or beasts sitting upon their bench within their chamber door,
With such words as “five to four.”
But the ravens, having spoken, would not let that be their token,
Instead they had to further discourse on matters more and more.
Topics timely and political; both trivial and critical;
Till my rage was near biblical, “I should show you to the door!
I want none of this, please, leave me be, get out of here, no more!”
Then the birds said, “Five to four.”
There’s nothing that they won’t debate, from abortion to speech of hate
Taking their sides from established ideologies of yore.
Though they might each strut and posture, give an enigmatic gesture,
Make us wonder if the outcome might be different from before
In the end there’s no cause for surprise about the final score;
The score is 5 to 4.
But the ravens still sat judging, so with grace ill and begrudging
I sat down, tried to ignore them and work as I was before.
But one thing there was no budging, no, never sufficient nudging
To shift the awful balance that had been previously foreswore–
That these awful birds of omen held over from the days of yore
Had doomed us with “Five to four.”
Each single word I was weighing, the game D.C.’s always playing,
Despite myself, taken in by the vile back and forth once more.
On this law there’ll be no bending, the back and forth is never ending,
Though we cry out for unity, it’s victory we look for,
But when that ugly fool’s gold is the prize that we all opt for
Then the prize is, “Five to four.”
Turning then to my oppressors, I became the new aggressor
Unleashing on them all the wrath I had pent up heretofore.
“Were you not all nine delighted when the citizens united
Or you sat in judgment o’er the case of Bush v. Gore?
Uninsured were not deplored, racial preferences galore?”
Quoth the ravens, “Five to four.”
“Jurists!” said I, “all divided!– never one, though sit united!
Whether Donkey sat or Elephant deposited before,
Determined though you are to lead us by example not at all–
In this land that’s so torn by strife– tell me truly, I implore:
What’s the chance for peace and brotherhood–tell me I implore!”
Quoth the ravens, “Five to four.”
Jurists!” said I, “still divided! Still deserve to be derided!
By that space that bends above us–by that God (that you won’t let His commandments be posted in a government building but somehow a six foot tall monument on government property is okay and how are those not blatantly conflicting rulings?) that we all adore–
Tell this soul with strife encumbered, if these days of pain are numbered,
Will the time come when we at last can put out the last flame war?
I beg you, can you tell me I will have the peace that I yearn for?”
Quoth the ravens, “Five to four.”
“Be that phrase our sign of parting, birds or fiends!” I shrieked, upstarting–
“Get thee back unto the night and to Baltimore’s polluted shores!
Leave no writ or other token of the cruel words you have spoken!
Leave my solitude unbroken!– quit the bench beside my door!
Take your damn conspiracy elsewhere and haunt me nevermore!”
Quoth the ravens, “Five to four.”
And the nation stands divided, never to be reunited,
Cursing politicians from north to south and from shore to shore,
Though we think they’ll keep us guessing, ain’t it really quite distressing
We’ve found out as Ackbar warned us that “it’s a trap!” to be sure,
We may all try to hope for change but we see forevermore
That the score stays 5 to 4.
Politeness for Impoliteness’ Sake
Posted: August 17, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: culture, etiquette, humor, politeness, society 1 CommentAmong some of my family and friends I have a slight reputation as a know-it-all. Among the rest I have a huge reputation as an arrogant ass who thinks he has the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. (It’s 42. I read Douglas Adams.) I’d like to think this is an unfair characterization born out of jealousy of my awesome awesomeness. I’d also like to think I have a face like Matthew McConaughey, a body like Brad Pitt, and the intellectual acumen of Stephen Hawking. So I’ll let you be the judge of which of us is right.
The point, however, is that regardless of my reputation in this regard, my family and friends are generally too polite to make an issue of it, even when I start to go off an one of my infrequent rants. I am of course using the colloquial definition of “infrequent”, that being “the length of time that casts the speaker in the best light, usually a modest one.” I particularly appreciate this as I have reached a much more mellow middle age (no, I am not using a colloquial definition of mellow, I really used to be worse) and have come to appreciate the value of politeness.
In my brash youth, I didn’t really see the value of politeness for its own sake. It always seemed to me to be more a matter of hypocrisy; after all, when you are being nice to someone you would rather spit in their eye, how is that NOT hypocritical? It was only after I had spent some serious time in the corporate world (and if you don’t think that’s a culture all its own, you’ve never lived in it) that I started to understand the value of politeness. I found there that politeness was a tool, nothing more and nothing less, and like any tool the value of it consists entirely in what you make with it.
Politeness doesn’t exist, as I thought it did when I was younger, for its own sake. Nor does it merely separate us from the animals, as I have heard some people assert. Rather, I have found that politeness is the oil that keeps society as frictionless as possible. It is the “civil” in “civil society.” Consider: polite conversation doesn’t allow for religion or politics as topics. I look around these days and realize that’s not a coincidence. Not to put too fine a point on it, politeness is what makes it possible for us to coexist with the people we would rather not have to coexist with. Whether it’s in the workplace or the marketplace, at school or at church, there’s always someone you just can’t stand, chances are they return the favor, and politeness is the only thing standing between the two of you and a date with destiny.
That’s not to say we always have to be polite. Sometimes it’s time to get impolite. After all, I would hardly refer to a good protest march as “polite.” Your typical rock concert hardly measures up to the realm of “polite”. And God knows any conversation with my close friends will never be within seven dirty words of being “polite.” But those are the stand out moments, the exceptions, not the rules, and should be cherished more for it, not less. But when we start turning every day into a protest, when every night is a concert, and every conversation would make George Carlin blush (bless his smutty departed self), we lose something priceless. It’s not just a matter of losing the “specialness” or those moments. We’re losing our dignity as a society.
Our current culture of brashness that seems to reward the braggart, the loudmouth, the shock jock and the bully-pulpit preacher both, the people who drag their politics and opinions out at every turn instead of confining them to opinion columns and blogs where they belong; it needs to stop. We need to – not step up, but step back. Not speak up, but quiet down. Take our fingers off the hyperbolic trigger and for once, don’t let our voices be heard. Just let it go. Stop feeding the trolls.
Even me.
Anarchy X: The Fifth Amendment
Posted: August 15, 2012 Filed under: Anarchy X, Politics | Tags: Anarchy X, Bill of Rights, double jeopardy, eminent domain, Fifth Amendment, Grand Jury, miranda rights, self-incrimination, Supreme Court Leave a comment“No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.”
At last we get to the most popular amendment, and yet the one that people seem to know the least about. This clause is basically about preventing the State from using its power to abuse the rights of individuals. Everyone is aware of their right against self-incrimination (although good luck explaining it to your parents when you try to sneak in late at night), and most everyone knows what double jeopardy is (the Ashley Judd version, not the Alex Trebek version), but that last clause about eminent domain is a bit of a ringer, and the one that seems to be getting abused more and more of late. I’ll address each one in turn, along with my thoughts on each.
Grand juries show up in almost every court room drama, but we rarely think about them. One line an old buddy of mine was very fond of was “I can get a ham sandwich indicted”. Fortunately, it’s not quite that simple. This is the first line of defense against the overwhelming power of the State. “The prosecutor must recognize that the grand jury is an independent body, whose functions include not only the investigation of crime and the initiation of criminal prosecution but also the protection of the citizenry from unfounded criminal charges.” (US Attorneys Criminal Resource Manual)
Double jeopardy is another important defense against the power of the state for innocent people. It makes sure we don’t get dragged into court time and time again, constantly harassed just because the police or DA has managed to find (or “find”) some new evidence. I understand it can be daunting and even nerve-wracking sometimes to only have one chance to get it right, and there are a lot of good people on the job trying to get it right. But that’s the point, isn’t it? With all the resources dedicated to getting it right, how many resources are there dedicated to protecting the guy they decided is guilty who isn’t? How many times do they get to come after him before they finally say, “huh, maybe we should look into someone else?” This clause basically says “get your act together before you take your best shot, and no means no”. Nothing wrong with that.
Next, let’s talk about self-incrimination. This is central to the defense of innocent people in the power of the State. I know, I know, “if you’re innocent you have nothing to fear.” Sure. Just tell that to every person who’s been exonerated through DNA testing. Imagine that you’ve been arrested, and you can be compelled to testify against yourself. Where were you between two and four a.m. on the night of November 4, 2011? Don’t remember? Why not? You’re not hiding something, are you? Maybe I believe you, maybe I don’t. Or maybe you were at home, sleeping. Alone. With no witnesses… Or maybe you were doing something just a little illegal, but you don’t want to cop to it because it would implicate a friend. There’s any number of reasons you might not want to testify that I could turn against you if you have no choice in the matter. So yeah, I think this one is pretty important.
The one other thing I have to say on this is tangential, and it’s more of a pop culture pet peeve. It seems every time it comes up on a court room drama, someone is invoking their “Fifth Amendment privilege.” It’s not a privilege, it’s a right. A privilege is ice cream before bed, or hanging out with your friends at the mall. It’s something that can be taken away from you for not behaving the way you are supposed to. A right is something that is yours, and nobody can take it away. Get it straight, Hollywood.
Let’s not forget that due process gets covered here, too. This is particularly important in these days of terrorism, cyber-crime, and other horrific crimes such as mass shootings that get the public blood up. The “justice” of the lynch mob can be awfully tempting, but it is in truth simply awful, and the fact is that if we stoop to becoming that which we are fighting against, we lose the very thing we are fighting to protect. More to the point, there is no word here that says “citizen”, it is “person”. When we no longer hold ourselves to that high standard, acknowledging that people are born with rights, not granted them by a government, we lose the moral high ground and it becomes a simple matter of who has the biggest stick.
Finally we come to eminent domain, the “right” of the State to take property for “public use”. This is the one that seems to be getting the most abuse lately, as the definition of “public use” becomes more flexible with every passing day, as does the concept of “just compensation”. What exactly is “public use”? Is it a highway? A new school? According to the Supreme Court, it’s a forced transfer of private property from one private individual to another. As far as “just compensation”, that’s basically whatever the government says it is. It doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t take a million dollars for your home that your family has lived in for five generations, if the government says it is worth exactly $300,000, that’s what you get, and the city gets its new highway. Suck it up, it’s for the good of the community. You know, the community you were so proud to be a part of… until they bulldozed your house.
So maybe this last clause of the Fifth Amendment is not living up to what it should be. The rest are doing okay, although I still have concerns about self-incrimination in a world where the government is trying to compel people to turn over encrypted hard drives and get ISPs to give up your data even when you do everything in your power to keep it private (which also smacks of violating the First and Fourth Amendments, but hey, why not go for the hat trick?) At least we still have the Miranda decision working for us, which is something, and that brings up the best defense against government power: educate yourself. Not just on your rights, but on how to protect them, and on how they can be violated (and sometime are being violated). No piece of paper will do better than that.
Let’s Talk About Sex. Better Yet, Let’s Not.
Posted: August 13, 2012 Filed under: Culture | Tags: America, culture, entertainment, FCC, internet, movies, pop culture, popular culture, sex, television 5 CommentsQuick show of hands: how many of us are actually comfortable talking about sex? I don’t mean in a roundabout way, or in a joking way, or even in a clinical way. I mean an honest, open discussion about the kind of sex that happens every day, maybe even the kind of sex we are having on a regular basis (if we’re lucky). I’m not imagining a lot of hands are up right now, even among the health teachers out there, and there’s a good reason for that. Well, not good, as such, but a well-documented one at any rate.
There’s a puritan taboo in the American culture and psyche regarding sex. We can discuss violence, death, psychological trauma, divorce, even Pauly Shore movies with minimal discomfort (well, maybe not Bio-Dome, that thing scarred me), but we simply can’t have a frank discussion about sex. I can laugh about it with my friends, dance around it with my mom ever since THE TALK, and never, ever admit it happens when my in-laws are around. If I turn to the one source of knowledge that informed my youth, television, I discover that sex consists of two people wearing pajamas kissing goodnight and sharing a bed, with a soundtrack of “oooOOOOOOooohhh!!!” If I rely on its younger sibling, the internet… you know what, I can’t even repeat what the internet showed me. I just need to go wash my eyes out. With industrial strength cleanser.
Obviously I can’t step outside of my own cultural baggage and experiences to say whether or not this is “unhealthy” or “bad” or “disturbing as all hell”, especially in comparison to other countries, where they seem to serve soft-core porn with the soft-serve ice cream. All I can say with certainty at this point is there has to be some better way, some sort of middle ground that neither glorifies sex nor demonizes it. There’s so much that sex can be, any discussion or portrayal of it is by definition going to be incomplete. However, I can take a look at some of the portrayals of sex in American popular culture (no, I will not now nor in the foreseeable future consider the internet to be “popular culture”) and see what common pitfalls there are and if I think anyone is getting it close to right.
First, I think most of the shows on HBO and Showtime today are getting it wrong. The sex is gratuitous, which I couldn’t care less about, but more importantly it is irrelevant. Every time I see sex show up in one of these shows it seems to exist purely for titillation, rarely if ever to drive the plot forward. That’s not to say the characters’ sex lives don’t drive the plot forward, but the portrayal itself adds nothing. In particular I am thinking of True Blood, Game of Thrones, and House of Lies. At least when they do violence or politics (medieval or office) on those shows they get it right.
On the other end of the spectrum is broadcast television, which in spite of the FCC has gotten to the point of acknowledging that people do, if fact, have sex. Not on camera, of course, but at least it does occasionally get discussed. Even here though it is oblique, rarely referenced except in the most banal and inoffensive ways for fear of some octogenarian degenerate somewhere filing a complaint just to get their jollies off by telling everyone else what to do. I would cite examples, but really, just watch primetime TV.
So what are some good examples? Not that I was ever a fan, but the few times I was forced to watch it, it seemed like Sex and the City got the balance right. The sex scenes, while sometimes graphic, always had a purpose and lent weight and credence to the situations and characters. In the same vein, I’m not loving Girls on HBO, but the few episodes I have watched have some very uncomfortable sex scenes that make very important character and story points I just can’t see being portrayed as clearly and compactly without just putting it out there, for lack of a better phrase. One show that I do like a lot that I think gets the balance right is Lost Girl on SyFy. Considering the protagonist is a succubus, there’s pretty much a guarantee of a lot of sex, but it is for the most part done tastefully and within context of the needs of the story. They don’t linger just for the sake of a few cheap thrills, but they don’t shy away either.
I don’t mean to give the impression that I’m some kind of prude who’s afraid or ashamed of sex. Not to go into too much detail, but I was once a twenty-something male with a credit card and access to the internet. There’s nothing wrong with cinema whose greatest contribution is the archetype of the Pizza Delivery Boy or the Pool Cleaner. But if that’s all you’re aiming for, then by all means don’t waste my time with dialogue and story. On the other hand, if you are attempting something a little more highbrow, don’t insult me by assuming I either can’t handle seeing naked skin or you have to have gymnastic bedroom exploits every five minutes. Focus on the story, and if sex is a natural part of that story, let it happen naturally. Maybe then we can start to treat it as something natural.
Things Everyone Should Do
Posted: August 10, 2012 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: advice, experience, life 2 CommentsWhile I am still (relatively) young and hope to do many things in my days, I have had a wide and varied experience of life that has taught me a great many things. In particular, it has taught me that there are some experiences that change you in ways you cannot truly understand until you have had them. Not all of them are good, but I believe they are all necessary in order to be a complete person.
I am sure as I continue down the road of life I will add to this list, but for now here is the list I have compiled, and why I think each experience is important and unique.
Hold a job. If you have never had a job, you will never understand why it is important to have a job, or any of the myriad things that go with it, like showing up on time, listening to your boss, and getting along with your coworkers. They try to teach you that in school, but it’s not the same. After all, they can’t fire you from school. Which leads me to the next item on the list…
Be fired from a job. There seems to be something pervasive in American society today, some perverse sense of entitlement that I don’t think is endemic to just one generation. Believe me when I say that being fired from a job relieves you of that sense of entitlement very quickly. Even if it is because the company went under, staffing cuts, or any number of reasons that are through no fault of your own, simply knowing that you are not in fact indispensable instills a sense of humility in no time. If you are fired for cause, it is a lesson that stays with you for the rest of your days.
Quit a job. On the flip side of that, there is something uniquely empowering that is captured in that old country song “Take This Job and Shove It”. There comes a time when you have swallowed just as much as you can, when you have reached your breaking point, and you discover that no amount of money is worth your pride. Being able to hold your head high is something that can never be bought; it has to be earned.
Work many different jobs. I don’t just mean in one field, either. I mean as many different kinds of jobs as possible. You will meet a wide section of humanity this way, you will develop all kinds of skills, and you will view the world in a new and different way each time depending on the demands that are placed upon you. Each new job is a new challenge, a new chance to grow and discover anew both who you are and who you can be. Capture it.
Work in retail. One of the few things we all have in common in American society and most societies in the world, from the richest to the poorest, is that we have to interact with someone in retail on a fairly regular basis. Even if it is just at the checkout line at the grocery store, you will inevitably have to deal with someone in this field. Having some idea of what their life is like will at least engender some empathy, and maybe even sympathy and patience.
Be unemployed. Even if only for a day, being unemployed is a scary feeling. Not knowing where your next paycheck will come from, how you will pay the bills, or even if you will be able to buy food in the coming weeks is a terrible sensation. Regardless of your politics, having that personal gut-level understanding of what it means to be unemployed is truly instructive.
Be homeless. Again, even if it’s only for one day, not knowing where you’ll be hanging your hat that night is terrifying. It makes you reassess all of your priorities, reconsider every choice you made leading up to that point, as well as every option you have. Again, regardless of your politics, a personal understanding of what it really means to not have a place to live changes how you approach the issue, as well as how you approach life.
Go hungry. This is the third part of the “if only for a day” trifecta. Not knowing where your next meal is coming from changes your priorities in a very real and immediate way. Things that seemed important before, like entertainment, planning for the future, or even just “what will I do tomorrow?” get consumed in an eternal and desperate now. Being able to empathize with that essential human drive, and what it can push you to, will give you a better understanding of more of the world than I care to admit.
Learn to cook. I have heard some people claim that for them food is nothing more than body fuel. I still don’t see them eating ramen every night. Cooking is an art, and it is worth doing well. Even if you only cook at the most basic level, it beats cheap take out, both for flavor and health. Also, it will get you dates. Ladies, the way to many a man’s heart truly is through his stomach, but trust me guys, ladies also love a man who can cook.
Learn to clean. According to my wife I still have to sort this one out, but I’m getting there, and I’m not as bad as the bachelor I used to be. Cleaning is a skill, and it is worth picking up. Not only does a clean house help to separate us from the animals (my dog never cleans up after himself), it improves morale and health as well, and just makes you a more attractive person to be around.
Love someone. I don’t mean have a crush on someone, and I certainly don’t mean lust, although there’s nothing wrong with either of those. I mean the soul-deep kind of love that you only experience a rare few times in your life and for some of us only once. This is the sort of experience that you can’t know about until it has happened. You don’t plan to fall in love; in most cases it sneaks up on you, grabs you when you’re not looking and says “Surprise! You’re mine now!” Songs have been sung about it, poems written about it and more than a few movies have tried to capture the idea of it, but every effort is a pale shadow of the real thing, even this description of it. You’ll know when you’ve had it.
Have your heart broken. Yeah, it sounds trite, and that’s because it is, but the truth is you aren’t really an adult until you pay taxes and have your heart broken at least once. Learning to deal with heartbreak is one of the few rites of passage we have left to us, and it is one of the most powerful. How you deal with it says a lot about you as a person, and learning to deal with it better (because nobody deals with it well the first time) makes you a better person.
Express yourself. Sure it sounds self-serving from a guy who writes a blog, but I truly believe everyone has something to say, no matter how trivial it might seem to others. Every life is unique, and will never be lived again. Find a way to capture that life, share it with others, in story, rhyme or song. Tell jokes, make movies, compose dirty limericks, put together a cookbook of your best recipes, or just talk to your friends and family and tell them about the story of you. You never know when you will be gone and we won’t be able to know those stories, so share them while you can. We want to hear them.
Anarchy X: The Fourth Amendment
Posted: August 8, 2012 Filed under: Anarchy X | Tags: Anarchy X, Bill of Rights, unreasonable search and seizure 1 Comment“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”
At last we get to one of the more popular and most often abused amendments. It seems like every time I turn around I hear another story of this amendment being reinterpreted, which confuses me somewhat since it seems to be pretty straightforward. I guess it’s the big question of what exactly constitutes an “unreasonable” search and seizure, and then there’s that issue of what exactly is “probable cause”, but we’ll get to each of those in a minute. Let’s take it from the top and work our way down.
First there’s the issue of what exactly we’re supposed to be secure in. “…[T]heir persons, houses, papers, and effects.” Persons means more than just no pat downs, like say, at the airport just because you’re getting on a plane. That means you can’t even be arrested, hassled, asked for ID, or anything, without probable cause. Even being pulled over by a traffic cop is enough to warrant probable cause. “I had a feeling” doesn’t cut it; “he looked suspicious” is also mighty suspicious. Houses means any residence, so any time the police enter a residence without a warrant you’re looking at a major no-no.
Papers? Does that just mean the physical material? Or was that simply the idea that you can have an idea, record it, share it, and not have the government rifling through your notes without cause to believe you are doing something illegal, regardless of the medium? As I’ve discussed before, the Founding Fathers were great statesmen and lousy prognosticators, so they really didn’t see the interwebs coming. Probably didn’t anticipate computers, smart phones, tablets, or any medium for transmitting ideas other than “papers”, but they meant to cover the whole spectrum.
So what exactly is an “unreasonable search or seizure”? That’s a little harder to pin down, but if I had to try to take a swing at it, I would say any search or seizure that occurs outside the bounds of a lawfully obtained warrant as described by the fourth amendment OR one that was necessitated by severe exigent circumstances. I know that puts some wiggle room in there, but I’m willing to be reasonable. If a guy is about to toss a smoking gun in the ocean, I’m willing to allow that a cop can wrestle it from him. What I will not allow is “we strongly suspect they’re growing pot in there and if we take the time to get a warrant they will have time to get rid of the evidence.” Yeah? If they really are, post someone to watch them and catch them doing it. Meantime, get a warrant.
What constitutes probable cause? Again, this is slippery, but I’m willing to give the razor’s edge benefit of the doubt to a trained professional. If a police officer says he saw someone carrying what appeared to be a dead body into a building, but it was nighttime from fifty yards away, I’ll still take his word for it. Anyone else, probably not. If that same officer says, “I know he did it, you know he did it, we all know he did it, we just need to get in there and get the proof!”, sorry, no dice. I’ve known a lot of things in my life that have proven not to be true, and police are no less susceptible to bias than anyone else. (By the way, I’d take that first officer’s history into account. Is he reliable? Does he have a reputation for playing fast and loose with the truth? There’s a reason warrants have to be “supported by oath or affirmation”.)
Finally, there is no carte blanche in warrants, and for good reason. If the government got to say “we think you’re a suspicious character, so we’re just gonna rummage through all your stuff until we find something to hold you on,” they could bring any one of us in. Don’t believe me? Read the laws of the state you live in. Every… single… one of them. I’m willing to bet anyone $10 cash right now they’ve violated at least one of those laws sometime within the statute of limitations. It’s almost impossible not to have. It’s the nature of the beast, because ridiculous laws get passed all the time. If they can prove you broke one, they can haul you in. Unless of course they have to have some proof in advance to get the warrant in the first place. Which keeps the government from harassing innocent people, or even not so innocent people. At least it forces them to focus on building the case first rather than just picking some poor schmuck, saying “eh, close enough”, and throwing him in jail until he rots.
Does this mean some guilty people get off on a technicality? Occasionally, yes it does. On the other hand, consider that it is far more likely that an innocent person will accept a plea bargain for a lesser charge because they can’t afford a lawyer that can get them off when faced with the power of the state. Now, imagine what would happen if we didn’t have these restraints in place. The system is not perfect, but trying to compare it to a perfect system is unrealistic. The only alternative is to compare it to the system we would have without these restraints. I for one would not prefer that alternative.
Customer Service: It’s Not Just For Sissies Anymore!
Posted: August 6, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: comedy, culture, customer service, etiquette, reviews 4 CommentsSo today I’m going to sound off on a topic near and dear to my heart, having spent far too long (two months) suffering through a life of retail hell: customer service. I understand that actually having to deal with the common hoi polloi that inhabit this globe on a daily basis for no better reason than to keep body and soul together is a tragedy that befalls far too many people, but is it too much to ask that when your entire business model relies on people actually wanting to purchase your products, you maybe consider this to be something more than the awful afterthought that comes between “thanks for your money, sucker!” and “Welcome back, sucker, gonna give us some more of your money?”
A good example of customer service is Mattress Discounters. We bought a Temper-Pedic bed there. They delivered exactly when they said they would, and let me tell you, getting it into our bedroom at all was no easy feat. I highly recommend them to one and all. That’s great customer service, and it deserves to be rewarded.
Bad customer service, on the other hand, deserves to be called out in public, put in the stocks in the public square, pilloried and ridiculed, humiliated as they humiliate us.
As my case study, I will use a six month odyssey that recently befell my entire household. In order to avoid a potential lawsuit, the company involved will not be called on by name. I will simply mention that they are a retail home improvement store who rhyme with Beers and start with S. You may have seen their softer side in the Nineties. Anyway, my landlord prefers them for appliances (although I still hold out hope that this recent experience may sway him to consider changing to a more sane alternative. It’s not likely.) The whole story begins with the attempt to get the oven repaired. This required two trips, as the first trip involved finding out that the oven was, indeed, broken, but the repairman didn’t have the part with him. This trip took two weeks to arrange in the first place. The follow-up, with the correct part, took another two weeks. A week later, the oven broke again. This necessitated another two week wait, at which point we found out that the oven was, in fact, broken. This came as a shock to all and sundry, assuming that “all and sundry” is code for “only the Sbeers repairman.” He then informed us that the cost of repairing the oven at this point would be higher than replacing it, and I informed him that he could have come to this conclusion two visits ago. (Okay, maybe only in my head, but I thought it really hard.)
Believe it or not, this was one of the better interactions of our customer service experience with Sbeers in what I can only assume, from what you will see below, was a deliberate campaign of terror against us. Notice how he lured us in by being almost as helpful as someone who actually intends to be useful without actually making our lives better in any meaningful way. This set the standard for the following FOUR MONTHS. It all started with the new oven. The oven my landlord bought. I should note that my landlord lives in a different house than I do. This should come as no surprise to you kind folk, as I assume that all of my readers are intelligent, sagely, wise folk with reasoning powers that at least match those of gerbils. Apparently the same cannot be said for the people at Sbeers, who cannot distinguish between a billing address and a delivery address. This would be annoying once. It would be comical twice. It would be infuriating three times. Round about the fourth time in two months it got to seeming diabolical and deliberate.
What impressed me most of all was their utter failure to have any sort of coordination in their attempts to infuriate me, and yet they still did it with ease. It seems that nobody at Sbeers talks directly to anyone else, or even to the same customer more than once. I’m not entirely certain anyone in their customer service department works there more than once. After they got my street address connected to my landlord’s city and state, I found out that they didn’t even have one delivery company. No, Sbeers doesn’t deliver the stuff they sell, they subcontract it to people who are even more incompetent than they are.
This incompetence shines through in ways I can’t even describe, I can only report it. It begins with the first (yes I said first) attempt to install our new oven. After the oven was installed, there was a piece left. I wasn’t home at the time, so I have to rely on second hand reports from my wife, but as I understand it the conversation went something like this:
My Beautiful Wife: “Why is there a piece left?”
Installation Guy: “I dunno.”
My Incredibly Intelligent Wife: “What are you going to do about it?”
“Installation Guy: “I dunno.”
My Wonderful Wife Who Dealt With Sbeers Customer Service So I Wouldn’t Have To: “Shit.”
I may have gotten the details slightly wrong, but that was the basic gist of it. So for the next month and a half, we had a piece of oven sitting in our kitchen while my wife tried to get Sbeers to send someone out to correct the situation. This resulted in three aborted attempts, one because they were trying to go to the wrong state (again), one because they wanted me to pay for the visit(!), and then there was my personal favorite…
You see, the best the original delivery guy could come up with was that we had the wrong part for the oven. The part that came in the box. With the oven. That he had just installed. The solution of course was to simply deliver a completely different oven and install that one. Now, one Saturday (after they had rescheduled for the third time that week) I got a call from the delivery guy telling me he had an oven to deliver. I said, “You mean install, right?” No, no, no. They only deliver. The installation guy comes later.
Bullshit.
I actually called bullshit on him, right there and then. And he, poor guy, had to have his supervisor call me, ’cause his job is just to drive the truck and drop off the appliances. And I called bullshit on his supervisor, too. When he asked me point blank if I wanted the oven or not, I asked him, “Would you want an oven sitting in your living room?” He had the grace to admit he would not. “Nor would I.” That pretty much ended that conversation.
And here’s how the story ends: two weeks later (after two more reschedulings), a guy came out to deliver and install the new oven… and he installed the “leftover” part correctly.
Son. Of. A. Bitch.
So yeah. Customer service. Just get it right. If you do, you get a nice blurb and a free product endorsement. If you get it wrong, you get a 1,000 word rant talking about how much you suck. And yeah, I’m talking to you, Sbeers.
Save The Drama For Your Mama
Posted: August 3, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: children, culture, etiquette, parenting, parents 10 CommentsIf you have kids, let’s save you and me both some time and aggravation right now: please go to Facebook and see what your friends are up to. Come back in a couple days when I’ve posted something else. Anything else.
No, really. I’m not joking. You’re just going to make both of us very unhappy if you don’t leave right now.
Okay, either they left or they completely ignored me the same way they’re busy ignoring their children right now, and either way I refuse to take responsibility for their bad decisions. The reason I told them (you) to leave is because I’ve decided it’s time I call them (you) out on some of the horrible, reprehensible, idiotic behavior that used to be considered inappropriate in bachelors and now passes for modern parenting. This is not to say all parents do these things, or that all parents who do some of these things do all of these things; but the fact is that any of these things make me wonder (a) why people are allowed to even have children and (b) how our species has managed to evolve past the level of flinging poo at each other (which is one of the behaviors I have been observing of late, so….)
The first thing I need to call out is the new parents who come into work acting bewildered at how tired they are. They come in looking like soldiers straight out of a really bad WWI film, shell-shocked look and all, and if you dare even so much as a “How you doin’?” you get treated to the vacant stare and “The baby kept me up… ALL… NIGHT. AGAIN.” They say this as if it comes as a shock to them, like nobody ever prepared them for this eventuality. Really? That’s funny. Because ever since I was, oh, nine years old stand-up comics have been pretty much giving me a preview of the sorts of things I can expect from fatherhood, and I’m pretty sure it involves not sleeping from the day the baby is born until his or her fifth birthday. This is also the sort of parent who acts like the baby just happened to them, and there’s nothing they could have done about it. No, no, it’s cool, I can understand that. Nothing you could have done. You had no power in this situation. It’s not like you brought it on yourself by HAVING SEX OR ANYTHING.
Contrast this with the stolid parent, the one who more closely resembles the sergeant in my WWI analogy. This is the one who comes in, maybe looking a bit haggard, a little rough around the edges, but still functional. They grab a cup of coffee, and if you ask how they are, they may give you a bit of a look, but the worst answer you get will be a curt “fine.” Dig a little deeper at your own risk, but that’s the same with anyone. If you do, you might hear “the baby kept me up last night.” Usually in a monotone. Not as a complaint, but a simple statement of fact.
The next one I need to rip on is parents who make excuses for their kids. I know I’m jumping on a bandwagon here, but I just have to get it out there. I’m not talking about parents who say things like “Junior is very sweet, he’s just a little slow” when their kid has serious neurological problems. I’m talking about parents who say “Junior is just very exuberant” when he’s busy setting fire to the curtains. I’m not saying you need to grab a switch and beat his ass, but maybe taking the lighter out of his hand would be a good place to start. Scold him a little. Sit him down and explain the difference between right and wrong. Then when he’s not looking, grab a switch and beat his ass. It’ll do him a world of good.
How about parents who take their kids’ word over, well, ANYONE else? I don’t even need Bill Cosby to explain to me that kids lie, although he does do a very humorous job of it. Know why I don’t need The King of Coke to lay this one out for me? Because faster than you can say “Pudding Pop”, I remember being a kid. That’s right, just one little flashback and suddenly I’m fully aware of the fact that “scrupulous veracity” wasn’t only beyond me as a spelling challenge as a child, it was beyond me as an ethical challenge as well, and the truth is (if you’ll pardon the egregious pun) most kids have the same problem. And yet most parents will believe their own children not only in a case of “he said, she said” over another child, but over an adult and even over a crowd. Some will even stand next to their own kids in the face of physical evidence to the contrary. That’s not loyalty; that’s insanity.
And hey, speaking of insanity, when did people start growing their own friends? Parents who want to be “buddies” with their kids at any age, whether it is as little kids or (even worse) teenagers, make me want to spray them down with a hose. When did it become acceptable to stop raising children and start treating them as equals? The parents I respect are the ones who are tough but fair, they love their kids but make it clear that the relationship goes one way, and you can have all the autonomy you want when you’re eighteen and you get a job, join the military, or get your ass in college. You want something cuddly you can alternate between cleaning up after and treating like your best friend for the next ten years? Get a dog. That’s what I did.
Finally, I need to get serious for a moment and talk about an issue close to my own heart. Lots of people are coming out against bullying these days. It’s all the rage, and everyone is against it. Kind of hard not to be, right? Being “for” bullying is like being in favor of kicking puppies. But the kids who are doing the bullying aren’t orphans, they’re not robots, and they weren’t grown in a vat somewhere. Every one of them has a parent or even two who have either ignored or, even worse, encouraged the very behavior they publically denounce. Whether you realize it or not, your kids see everything you do and say, and they pick up on things you didn’t even know they were paying attention to. More to the point, it’s not up to the school, the teachers, the police, or someone else to stop your kid from being a bully. It’s up to you. When you see them picking on another kid, step up. Be a parent. You might save another kid’s life. You might save your own kid’s life.
Anarchy X: The Third Amendment
Posted: August 1, 2012 Filed under: Anarchy X, Politics | Tags: America, anarchy, Anarchy X, Bill of Rights, philosophy, politics 4 Comments“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”
You don’t hear much about the Third amendment these days. Everyone is more concerned with the Big Five as I think of them (First, Second, Fourth, Fifth, and Eighth) to worry too much about the rest except in theory or in extremis. And why should we? After all, when was the last time the U.S. Army knocked on your door and demanded that you put up a couple soldiers for the night? Doesn’t seem like something we really need to worry about in this day and age.
I like to look a little deeper and consider the philosophical and political ramifications of these things. As I have heard the rights of man explained in many courses and in many ways over the years, there are two approaches. The first, which is more popular (and populist) than I am comfortable with, is that as a member of a community and a citizen of a country, you owe something to your community and country simply by virtue of being a part of it. And no, paying taxes doesn’t cover your obligation. There is a presumption of first claim on your person, on your time, and on your livelihood. This would then naturally extend to a first claim on your belongings, including your residence.
The second way of looking at things is that people are born with certain rights (you might even call them inalienable). These rights exist with or without the presence of a community or a government, and in fact supersede any communal or governmental attempts to restrict or circumvent those rights. This does not mean you have no reason to participate in your broader community or government, but it does put very distinct limits on what can and cannot be asked or demanded of you.
It would seem to me that the Third Amendment more fully supports the latter belief than the former. While there is room in it (that clause “but in a manner to be prescribed by law”) for some impinging on an owner’s right to privacy in their own home, even that is restricted to times of war (and no, I don’t think the Wars on Drugs or Terror count). That being the case, there are several presumptions that flow therefrom quite logically that have a great deal of bearing on our modern lives. Not the least of these is the idea of government restrictions on how we use our own property, whether it is for housing or running a small business out of our own homes. I’m not a fan of zoning laws in general, but so long as there is no material impact on my neighbors that would be distinguishable from any other residential use, why does the government get a say?
While I’m on the subject of businesses, bear in mind that at the time the Constitution was written, for many business owners their business and their home were one and the same, and even now it’s as often a matter of semantics as reality to distinguish between a small business owner’s home and business. So why does the government get to dictate the terms of how that business is run? So long as everyone is there voluntarily, nobody’s rights are being violated. I know, being “forced” to work in an environment that allows smoking is a terrible burden. Far more so than, say, being out of work because the bar you had a job at went out of business when there wasn’t enough trade to support it… or maybe they just had to fire one bartender.
I have heard the counter-argument made, and I think it’s a fair one worth addressing, that if “every man’s home is his castle” you end up in an anarchic state where anytime you set foot on someone else’s property they can simply claim “this is my land, I make the rules, and I say you’re my slave now.” The counter to this is that the right to be secure in one’s home is based on the right of self-ownership, and that right extends to each and every individual. Violating that right in another is to surrender that right for yourself. That is the value I see in having a government in the first place: to defend the rights we each have against all comers, both foreign and domestic. However, the government that strips away those rights is no better than the brigand it is meant to defend against. I for one prefer the brigand; he is easier to bargain with, easier to fool, and if need be, easier to destroy.
Disappointing Delights
Posted: July 30, 2012 Filed under: Culture | Tags: culture, food, guilty pleasures, popular culture, reviews, television 2 CommentsI’m a huge fan of guilty pleasures. Whether it’s the horrors of eighties hair bands or watching cartoons from my childhood just for the pure nostalgic value of them (“…and knowing is half the battle!”), I feel neither guilt nor shame for indulging myself in these decadent delights. What I do regret however is when I delve into what should be a guilty pleasure and find that it doesn’t live up to my expectations of it. Such is the case for two pleasures I have tried recently, only one of which I will go back for again and can recommend to others.
The first is Burger King’s Bacon Sundae. You heard me right. I actually tried that monstrosity, and damn proud to say it. Why shouldn’t I? It’s everything I should love in a desert: bacon, vanilla soft serve, bacon, chocolate fudge, bacon, caramel, and best of all it’s got bacon. Nothing that has bacon can be all bad, right? And that’s the worst part: it wasn’t all bad. It was meh. I’ve had better, I’ve had worse. I should not be able to walk away from any sundae and think “sure, it was okay, but I could have had a vanilla cone”, let alone one with bacon.
To be fair, I didn’t eat it right as the guy handed it to me because I got it from the drive-thru, but seriously, who’s gonna eat this monstrosity in the restaurant with everybody watching? I will say this for it, though: that first bite was a special kind of magic. I may just have to get some bacon powder and sprinkle it on my next bowl of vanilla ice cream, or maybe even bacon bits. Or both. Mmmmm, bacon. All things considered, I would give this one a pass.
The other recent disappointment for me is Aaron Sorkin’s The Newsroom. I had high hopes for this one at the outset. The writing seemed sharp, witty, and vibrant, the characters seemed fully realized, and the idea of challenging the status quo of both right and left Big Media™ by Taking a Stand and Speaking Truth to Power actually appealed to me. Sure, I was aware going in that Sorkin was the brainchild behind The West Wing, arguable the most lefty show on the airwaves in the past twenty years that didn’t star Jon Stewart or Bill Maher, but a guy can dream. Then I actually watched the show. I won’t criticize the politics of the show, but you can read an interesting piece I mostly agree with here that does. I will however address its other shortcomings.
Despite all the desperate defenses and protestations to the contrary, the show is one-sided. Balance in news coverage is not (or does not have to be) equivalency, despite Sorkin’s assertions in this show; it is simply the admission that not everyone believes the same thing and giving reasonable people a chance to air their opinions. There is no balance here, and I’m not suggesting there should be, although when you say things like (and I’m paraphrasing) “we’ll include intelligent opposing views” in your very first episode but you never do, the implication is that either (a) you don’t believe there is such a thing as an intelligent opposing view, or (b) you are unable to even acknowledge opposing views. Both are common flaws in major media today, but I was really hoping for something more. That same lack of balance makes all the characters horrible caricatures. The good guys are shining good, the bad guys might as well be twirling their mustaches. It borders on being clown shoes.
Which is a damn shame, because despite all of that, it’s still a damn good show. The actors rise above the source material to deliver powerful, compelling performances. I actually care about their characters, and I want to see them grow. When they aren’t busy lecturing me (although I do love to hear them lecture each other) they manage to be witty, or tragic, or just fun. There are more moments that make me laugh, cry, and cheer in one hour than a whole night of network television. Most of all, there is sex and violence and foul language, but it is tasteful, meaningful, and drives the plot rather than being driven by it. There is nothing gratuitous here; I am shocked, not by the simple fact that Sam Waterston’s character dropped the F-bomb, but by the fact he would have the gall to stand up to his boss in that manner. And that is compelling television.
My advice to Aaron Sorkin is set your politics aside and do what you do best: write witty, adult television. Until he does, my advice to everyone else is to set your politics aside, just like I do, and watch The Network so you can get a dose of witty, adult television. Best case scenario, everybody else gets the message and it raises the bar. Worst case scenario, you see some good TV.
Oh, and get me some vanilla ice cream with bacon sprinkles while you’re at it.
UPDATE: SInce I mentioned 80s cartoons, this seemed like the best place for this, even if it is a bit of a downer. I just found out that Roger Slifer, a major creative force in a lot of 80s cartoons including “The Transformers”, is in a bad way. If you are interested in helping, they are accepting donations here.
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My Not So Humble Opinion 