Bobapalooza 2025: One Nation Under Bob

Posted: July 5, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Bobapalooza, Culture, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I asked, and you delivered! What an amazing Bobapalooza lineup! This year is a truly diverse and wonderful list of artists, ranging across styles and decades, with a host of surprises and firsts befitting Bobapalooza. What do I mean? Well, for the first time ever we have a DJ on the Main Stage, and this year I got Rickrolled in the best possible way. If you don’t see someone you think should be on the list, well, you should have nominated them!

Some of our Main Stage artists could have been on the Stage of Legends in their own right, but there can be only one – um, sorry, there’s only room for five, and here they are!

THE STAGE OF LEGENDS

Willie Nelson, nominated by June Bonsall: If you don’t know the Red Headed Stranger, where have you been? Star of country music for decades, he’s also been in over 30 films, written dozens of songs (including “Crazy”, made famous by Patsy Cline), and is a political activist who founded Farm Aid. There are over 420 reasons to love Willie, and his music is just one of them.1

Tupac Shakur, nominated by John Taylor: Considered one of the greatest rappers and hip-hop artists of all time, and taken far too soon, 2Pac was and is a Legend indeed. Not just a musician, but an actor and an activist, he ranks 49th on the list of artists with the highest certified album equivalent units sold as of July 23rd, 2024, with his double length posthumous greatest hits album being one of only nine hip-hop albums to be certified diamond in the United States.

The Who, nominated by Sue Anne Touart: I feel like I should have put them on first, but these kids are alright. A staple of classic rock radio, The Who are one of those groups that everyone knows and have a list of hits that goes on longer than their rock opera Tommy. Anyone in my generation will agree they belong on this list.

Leonard Cohen, nominated by Patrick Hoolahan: Dark and introspective, soulful and moody, a complicated man who lived a complicated life. His artistry is not easy to approach, but if you do, you’ll find a wealth of beauty and insight. His song “Hallelujah” has been recorded by almost 200 artists in various languages. He’s a poet and a songwriter, and everybody knows he’s a Legend.

Bette Midler, nominated by June Bonsall: Who can say no to the divine Miss M? Star of stage, screen, and song, Bette Midler has a career that spans decades and is a cultural touchstone for generations. Whether you know her from The Rose, the penultimate episode of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Beaches, or Hocus Pocus, Bette Midler has managed to stay not just relevant but truly divine.

And now for the Main Stage! It was a hard-fought year, with a lot of strong contenders to choose from, but these fifteen won out.

Fleetwood Mac, nominated by Marcel Smeester

LL Cool J, nominated by John Taylor

Marc Broussard, nominated by Vicki Sheldon

Ren, nominated by Russ Kirkman

BAD Boy Bill, nominated by John Taylor

5 for Fighting, nominated by Vicki Sheldon

Rick Astley, nominated by Pat Hoolahan

Lexington Lab Band, nominated by Vicki Sheldon

Heart, nominated by Marcel Smeester

Pearl Jam, nominated by John Taylor

Talking Heads , nominated by Jen Taylor

Nat King Cole, nominated by Marcel Smeester

They Might Be Giants , nominated by Mike Sherman

Santana, nominated by Marcel Smeester

Joe Cocker, nominated by Vicki Sheldon

That’s the lineup for this year, folks! Thanks to everybody who participated!

  1. It’s a marijuana joke, mom. ↩︎

Submit your nominations for Bobapalooza today!

Posted: June 9, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Bobapalooza, Culture, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The deadline is June 30th. Beat the rush and get in now before someone else gets the glory. See the last post for the rules. And thank you for your support!

I Wanna Rock

Posted: May 27, 2025 | Author: | Filed under: Bobapalooza, Culture, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Let’s face it: our country is at war with itself. Red against blue. Liberal against conservative. Rich against poor. Cat against dog. We need something that can pull us together, something we can all rally around. We need… the power of music.

*Ahem.* I said, “We need the power of music.”

(I swear, there’s never an inspirational John Williams score around when you need one. Okay, we’re doing this the hard way.)

Almost a decade ago, I was tired of listening to the same old music, so I decided to ask my friends for suggestions. Of course I couldn’t be so pedestrian as to just say “what do you recommend?” I had to have some fun with it. Instead I asked, “If there was a music festival coming to town, and you found out a specific act was there, what one act would make you buy a ticket no matter what?” I promised I would listen to any suggestion, and the fifteen best would be in my fantasy music festival.

Well of course I started getting suggestions like The Beatles and Pink Floyd among some more modest, less famous acts. That didn’t seem entirely fair to me, because OF COURSE you’re gonna have The Beatles at your music festival, right? So I decided to create the Stage of Legends, five acts so amazing they transcended the form and deserved to be, well, Legends. And thus was born Bobapalooza, The Greatest Show That Never Was, with five acts on the Stage of Legends and 15 Main Stage bands.

It was so popular (and honestly so much fun) that by popular demand I brought it back several times. But like all good things, it had its season, and I’ve only even attempted to do a Bobapalooza once in over a decade.

I think it’s time to change that.

BOBAPALOOZA 2025: ONE NATION UNDER BOB
Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Now it’s time to do your part and contribute.

Here’s the rules:

MAIN STAGE

1. You have to pick a band you would sit through the entire set. Not “I love this song!” I want “I love this band!”
2. Yes, you can post as many as you like, but really, how many bands are THAT good?
3. If you intend to post more than one, please don’t spam the feed (more than 10 bands a day from one person is a bit much. I do have a life. And see 1 & 2.)
4. If you post it I will listen to it, so please, be gentle.
5. Please note that this is a Main Stage entry.
6. Any band that made it to the show in a previous year (main stage or Stage of Legends) will not be considered for the main stage this year. See the lists below.

STAGE OF LEGENDS

1. All of the rules for Main Stage apply, only even more. I mean, think about 1 & 2 especially. These guys are supposed to be LEGENDS.
2. Testify! Tell me (and the world!) why you think this band deserves to be named a Legend. For an idea of the sort of thing I have in mind look at the write up from Bobapalooza 2011 or Bobapalooza 2012.
3. Any band that made it to the Stage of Legends in a previous year will not be considered this year, however, Main Stage acts may still be nominated.

And remember, just as Master Yoda told us, “Do, or do not; there is no try.” Once a band has been nominated for the Stage of Legends, they are no longer in the running for the main stage. The whole point of the Stage of Legends is to give a fair shot to lesser known bands. If you think your favorite band has what it takes to compete with the big boys, put ‘em in, but don’t hedge your bets. Go big or stay home.

To answer a question I get all the time, YES, you can nominate a Main Stage alum for the Stage of Legends. They just can’t come back to the Main Stage.

Submissions can be made via comment or DM at @bobbonsall.bsky.social. Send me a link to your favorite song by the band you want to nominate as well as letting me know if this is a Main Stage or Stage of Legends submission. If you don’t say I will assume Main Stage to give them the best chance, unless they are not eligible for the Main Stage. (If they aren’t eligible for Bobapalooza at all, I will taunt you a second time.)

Starting July 1 I will decide who the winners are, and I will post my fifteen favorite bands for the main stage and the five act Stage of Legends. I will also give credit to the first person who suggested them, so get in early for your shot at fame!

If you still have questions, please feel free to comment on this blog post or DM me at @bobbonsall.bsky.social. Insightful questions will receive careful, well-thought-out answers. Off-hand questions will get off-hand answers. Questions that prove you didn’t bother to read everything I already wrote will be met with shame and ridicule, not necessarily in that order.

Stage of Legends Alumni:
The Beatles
Rush
Led Zepplin
Iron Maiden
Pink Floyd
Bob Marley
David Bowie
Michael Jackson
The Cure
N.W.A.
Nirvana
The Doors
Sting
Nine Inch Nails
Johnny Cash
Jefferson Airplane
AC/DC
Weezer
Black Sabbath
Simon & Garfunkel
Depeche Mode
Alice in Chains
Madonna
The Grateful Dead
Tori Amos

Main Stage Alumni:
Flogging Molly
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Decemberists
Mumford and Sons
Owen Pallett
Regina Spektor
Moyseis Marques
R.E.M.
Grinderman
Foo Fighters
Mika
Our Lady Peace
Jessie J
A Sunny Day in Glasgow
The Beastie Boys
Gorillaz
Silversun Pickups
Amadou and Mariam
Rancid
Lindsey Sterling
The Band Perry
The Airborne Toxic Event
Manchester Orchestra
Grimes
Deadmau5
Fun
Glen Hansard
Muse
Foxy Shazam
Adele
Matsiyahu
Awol Nation
Volbeat
Divine Fits
Axis of Awesome
Garbage
KMFDM
The Heavy
Aesop Rock
Animal Collective
Preston Reed
Dream Theater
Death
K’Naan
The Thermals
Boney M
The Cult
George Thorogood
Kae Sun
Metric
Disturbed
Al Green
Sitali
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
The Black Keys
Soundgarden
Petite Noir
James
DJ Kool
Dominique Pruitt
Artic Monkeys
Billy Talent
The Explorers Club
Pop Evil
Orville Peck
Rhianna
Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties
MGMT
Rival Suns
Public Enemy
Moby Grape
P!nk
Eminem
Portugal. The Man

Bob’s Jukebox: Updated links

Posted: July 31, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Quick update. One of the intentions I had going into this was to share my favorite music with everyone (and all the rest of it, too), but of course I had to go and make a hash of it.

I’ve always tried to be open about the fact I participate in the Amazon Affiliates Program (In a good year make enough money to cover my hosting fees; I ain’t getting rich here, folks), but apparently at some point when I wasn’t looking they changed the way the links worked. That’s on me, not them; Amazon customer service was quick to explain how to fix it and fix it I did.

So now if you go back to all the Bob’s Jukebox posts you can find functional links to the music therein if you are interested in the artists I have shared so far, and hopefully you will find something you like.

Who Matters?

Posted: May 11, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: Culture, Musings, Politics, society, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

(Disclaimer: The following post has spoilers for the first season of The Peripheral on Amazon Prime. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend it. You have been warned.)

I recently binge-watched the entirety of the first (and so far only) season of The Peripheral on Amazon Prime (note to Amazon: get on that next season, ya’ll have a bad habit of dragging your feet). I have a complicated relationship with cyberpunk in general and William Gibson in particular. When cyberpunk is done well, I love it, and when it is done less than I despise it. The same can be said for Gibson’s work. His better novels I am a rabid fan of (and that isn’t limited to his cyberpunk work; Pattern Recognition remains one of my favorite novels), but his lesser works leave me completely cold. In both cases I think it is a matter of knowing what heights they are capable of makes me demand nothing less. Fortunately, in this case they delivered, and truth be told The Peripheral goes beyond cyberpunk (although it does incorporate many cyberpunk elements and themes) and covers elements of several sci-fi genres.

One of the key themes that particularly stood out for me in the show was the question of who matters in society. This was brought into stark relief when Flynn Fisher (Chloë Grace Moretz) states to her “employers” in an alternate future timeline (like I said, it gets into broader sci-fi elements pretty quick), “I’m trying to think of you guys as real.” While this is the most obvious moment, it is far from the starkest divide, as the power differentials between various groups make up much of the drama in the show, and while they are mostly drawn with a broad brush and a heavy hand (yay science fiction), they still serve to illuminate the broader concept.

The most obvious divisions of course are in the future society between the major power players: the Research Institute (the intelligentsia), the Klept (the rich and powerful), and the Metropolitan Police (the government). The rest of the people in this future society are either servants of one of these groups or simply outcasts.

There are other, less obvious (although still not exactly subtle) divisions to be found in the show as well. The specific choice of a small town, rural setting for the 2032 “stub” timeline versus the metropolitan London of the “main” 2100 timeline dovetails nicely with the plot point of choosing groups of rural friends as soldiers for the haptic devices (an obvious allusion to the over-representation of rural Americans in the military), which then lends itself to the obvious division between veterans and civilians. There’s also the divide between disabled veterans and able-bodied civilians to explore.

It’s very easy to tell who the good guys are: just like in real life, pick the people you agree with, and there you go, you know who the good guys are. Because really, there’s no other way to tell. Everyone has an agenda, everyone does morally and ethically questionable things (to say the least), and everyone has a justification for their actions that essentially amounts to “I did what I had to do”. So like I said, just like real life.

It’s become fashionable to loudly proclaim “everyone gets a voice,” while sotto voce saying, “as long as we don’t have to listen to them.” For some groups it has become even more fashionable to simply say, “You are too vulgar, too violent; you shouldn’t be allowed to speak at all.” To those who insist that everyone deserves and must get an equal voice, here’s a short list of groups that I want you to look at and seriously tell me you want all of them to have an equal say:

  • Flat Earthers
  • Jews
  • Incels
  • TERFs
  • Trumpers
  • 9-11 Truthers
  • MGTOW
  • Muslims
  • Homophobes
  • Feminists
  • Conservatives
  • Disabled people
  • Racists
  • BLM
  • KKK
  • Antifa
  • Liberals
  • Veterans
  • LGTBQ+
  • Nazis
  • Hippies
  • Elderly people
  • Libertarians

Does everyone on the list get an equal say? If not, why not? Was it the same 20 years ago? 50? 100? Why is it different now? (And if the best answer you can give me is “because society is fairer” you get an A for optimism and an F for naivete.) Having a good rationale for not letting part of your population participate when you claim to be a free and just society is putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. Understanding the likely outcome when people feel they are not being heard, their needs are not being addressed, and they are being forced to participate in a society that is taking from them without giving in return is the first step to rectifying the situation. Because the hard truth is that, long-term, most groups are not going to just sit back and be grateful for what they are given. So what do you do then?

And that is a problem that can come from any direction. Look again at that list. I’m not asking you to like or agree with anyone on that list. I’m not asking you to condone or tolerate anyone on that list. I’m asking you to acknowledge that every one of those groups exists, that they have a point of view, one might even say an agenda, and every single one of them is capable of morally and ethically questionable things (to say the least). And I guarantee you, when they do them, they will have a justification for their actions that essentially amounts to “I did what I had to do”. Just like on The Peripheral. The question is, how will you know who the good guys are?

My Mom Was Right

Posted: January 8, 2021 | Author: | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

There are certain words I never thought I would say, let alone put in writing.

The President incited a riot.

Insurrectionists took the Capitol building.

My mother was right.

The last one may seem out of place but bear with me. You see, in the last couple of days I have noticed the continuing of a trend that has been going on for years, if not for decades. A trend that has arguably brought us to this point, and one that needs to stop if we are to ever get to a better place. It can best be summed up in a quote from the movie Batman (1989): “I made you, you made me first.”

Call it “whataboutism”. Call it “finger pointing”. Call it whatever you want. It boils down to the simple childish back and forth of “well X did this, which is just like Y”, or “well they did this, which justifies them doing that.”

As my mother told my sister and I when we were kids, “I don’t care who started it.” And she was right.

This shit has to stop. There can be no excuse for the actions that took place in Washington, DC on Jan. 6, 2021. There can be no justification based on actions taken by others because there is no justification. Full stop.

Likewise, to those who are taking to social media taking the opportunity to say, “I told you so”, again I say this shit has to stop. Like so many others, I am saddened, angry, and not at all surprised by these events. But seizing the moment to drive forward partisan divisions rather than simply condemn the actions of those responsible (and yes, that includes specific political figures up to and including Donald Trump himself) is risible. It does nothing to resolve the tensions that led to this moment, it simply exacerbates them. Many of you spent the entirety of George Bush’s presidency claiming he “stole” the election, and much the same of Trump in his sole term. Does that language sound at all hauntingly familiar?

But hey, as Winston Churchill said, “never let a good crisis go to waste,” amirite?

This shit has to stop. I don’t care who started it.

Let’s get in the wayback machine, shall we? In 1994, Newt Gingrich led a revolt in Congress, the so-called Contract with America. He got the Republicans to start playing hardball in politics. The Democrats were slow to catch up, but they sure were game for it. And hey, they decided to end the filibuster for non-SCOTUS nominees, so all even right? Nope, then the Republicans ended the filibuster for SCOTUS nominees. And Wow, those SCOTUS nominees! I mean, look at the way Garland was treated! No Supreme Court nominee has ever been treated badly by the Senate ever! He totally got Borked! Totally justifies screwing over the next guy if we can!

“I made you, you made me first.”

This shit has to stop. I DON’T CARE WHO STARTED IT.

Now there are people on social media demanding that those who perpetrated this offense against our nation be hunted down and executed summarily. Others see them as some sort of heroes defending the union against tyranny. I would humbly suggest that both sides are extremist assholes who need to put down their cellphones and get a nice cold glass of shut the fuck up.

I don’t care who started it.

I want them, all of them, to have the full benefit of the American justice system. Let them have a real trial with a vigorous defense and a jury of their peers. Let there be no doubt in any reasonable mind (you can’t reason with the unreasonable) that they were given every right under the very laws they so carelessly flouted. And let them enjoy the full penalty of the law as decided by that system they tried to destroy.

What truly makes America great, what always has and will continue to make America great, is this: despite the avaricious desires of some, we always have and always will, even- nay, especially in the face of adversity strived to be a nation of laws, not men. While we have in the past and even to this day sometimes fallen short of that lofty goal, that is not an excuse to lower the bar. It is instead all the more reason to set it higher.

Some Questions for the Nominees

Posted: September 26, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Politics, society, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

To this point I have (with great restraint) avoided voicing any sort of opinion on the Kavanaugh controversy, and I will continue to do so, except to say that I believe very strongly that the best course of action is to investigate the allegations seriously so as to avoid any uncertainty in the event that Judge Kavanaugh is confirmed.

Democrats also need to accept the reality before them, which is that even if Kavanaugh is not confirmed (whether he withdraws or is down-voted), the very real likelihood is that there will be another conservative justice on the court. The only way this wouldn’t happen is the near-impossible confluence of events whereby the current nomination is dragged out past the current election cycle, Democrats take over the Senate, they manage to keep any and all vacancies open for two full years, and then keep control of the Senate and win the White House. Impossible? Stranger things may have happened, but not by much.

What I am interested in however is the discussion that is not happening. Once again we are being presented, by both sides, with the rankest sort of hypocrisy, and nobody is being called out on it because it is politically unfeasible to do so. Without getting into the specifics of “did he or didn’t he”, “is she telling the truth or is she lying”, my concern is with the way both sides have already taken a stance on whether a person’s actions as a teenager should determine their fitness for higher office (much) later in life. This is particularly galling as in their standard approach to criminal justice the left and the right tend to have opposite stances to the approach they are taking in this case.

Liberals tend to be very much in favor of rehabilitation over incarceration, with the eventual goal being reintegration into society. Judging someone in their fifties by a crime they committed in their teens, let alone something they were merely accused of committing, is seen as a horrendous offense…usually.

Lest anyone think I am letting Conservatives off the hook, think again. Conservatives cast themselves as “law and order”, with incarceration being the law and “paying your debt to society” being the order. Like a loan shark that debt never seems to quite get paid in full for most people once you get under the thumb of Johnny Law… unless you happen to be of the privileged class. “Pearl clutching” and “NIMBY” are phrases that seem to have been tailor-made to go hand-in-hand for these folks.

Consider then that this year and in the years to follow we have hundreds if not thousands of individuals on both sides of the political divide who could be considered nominees for political office. With that in mind, I have a few questions I would like to pose to them:

  • If someone were accused of a misdemeanor as a minor, should they be able to vote?
  • Should they be able to hold any public office?
  • What if it was a nonviolent felony?
  • What if it was a violent felony?
  • What if they were convicted?
  • Same questions as above, only the crimes occurred when they were an adult.
  • If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, is there any specific limit of time they need to wait? Are there any actions they need to take beyond serving their sentence if any (e.g. restitution) before they would be eligible?

Feel free to make your answers as short or as long as you like, but please none of the usual dodging or bloviating. Everyone seems both eager and capable enough to take a clear stand on whether or not they believe and support either Judge Kavanaugh or his accusers. Just this once it would be nice to get that kind of clarity on something else.

You Can’t Spell “Treason” Without “Reason”

Posted: September 12, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Now that President Trump has expanded the definition of treason to include “anyone or anything that I personally don’t like”, I would like to be the first person to applaud his gross overreach of power disturbing authoritarian tendencies brilliant political insight and statesmanship. In that vein, I would like to “nominate” my own small but important list of people who are equally, if not more so, deserving of being branded as traitors as everyone Trump has levied the charge against to date:

·         Every kid who ever beat me up
·         The first girl who ever broke my heart
·         My 11th grade English teacher for failing me and making me take summer school
·         My “friend” who got me hooked on Magic: the Gathering
·         Everyone who ever laughed at me, not with me
·         The people responsible for “Highlander II: The Quickening”
·         My Not So Humble Sister (YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID)
·         That one kid who stole my Halloween candy
·         The second girl who ever broke my heart
·         That one guy who gave me a wet-willie that one time

Hopefully we’ll see the kind of bold, decisive action we’ve come to expect from this administration against these traitors. If not, I’m sure we can expect to see the administration held accountable by Congress, where we have Republicans in control of both the House and the Senate. Otherwise I guess both sides are to blame.

What Do You Bring to the Table?

Posted: September 8, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Musings, Uncategorized | Tags: , | 2 Comments

As the new school year begins, seniors in high school and college are dreaming of wrapping up their experience at their current institutions, and even high school juniors are planning their next stage of life. Most people save their advice for the end of the year around graduation, but I’m going to hit you with it now when it might have a chance to do some good. Let me start with a story.

Many years ago, I studied acting. By all accounts I was talented – just how talented I couldn’t say, since nobody is an objective judge of themselves, but for the sake of argument let’s say I was talented enough to go far. That was the problem. I was used to get by on talent, and not used to having to rely on other things like skill, hard work, or even being a decent human being to the rest of the troupe.

Fast forward a few years. By the time I got to college I was surrounded by people who had talent, and most of them were at least as good as I was. I wasn’t just a little fish in a big pond at this point; I was swimming with sharks, and they were hungry. Now it wasn’t “aren’t you amazingly talented”, it was “what do you bring to the table”? Talent was a given, and for the folks who didn’t have it they kept in the running by being twice as skilled or three times as valuable in some other way. I’ll be honest: I didn’t last long.

That dose of humility was bruising, but it was just what I needed. If I had managed to get it much earlier, I might have stayed in acting a lot longer, because I would have taken the time to develop more of what I needed sooner. Fact is once you get out in the world, people will stop handing you things (and yes, believe me, whether you realize it or not people are handing you things right now). Once you are nothing but the next person in line, the question isn’t going to be “how well did you do on the test?” or “do you have a degree?” because the assumption is you passed the test, or you have a degree.

Here are the things you need to be thinking about moving forward: How well do you engage with other people? How much of a team player are you? Can you be a leader and a follower as the situation requires? What sets you apart from everyone else in your field, but in a good way? Why should an employer want you on their team?

What do you bring to the table?

The Government You Deserve

Posted: August 29, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire, society, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s another election year, and this one may be the most important year of all. Before you decide who to vote for this year, I’m asking each and every American to look deep inside and ask yourself one very important question: how do you really feel about your fellow Americans?

Let’s face it folks, anyone who says they actually “like”, “respect”, or “would piss on them if they were on fire” about their fellow Americans is spreading FAKE NEWS. Our country is falling apart faster than a meatloaf without breadcrumbs, and we all know who’s to blame: the other guy. That’s right, that low-down bastard who doesn’t really love their country, isn’t really a patriot, and would probably spit on the flag and/or a veteran first chance they got.

So what’s the answer? Sure, you could waste your vote by trying to go with one of the major parties, but let’s be honest, what have they done for you lately? The Republicans have had their chance, and they’ve managed to take things from bad to “we need a Space Force so we can nuke the site from orbit; it’s the only way to be sure”. As for the Democrats… oh the Democrats. Just when you think they can’t find new ways to snatch defeat right out of the jaws of victory, they look you right in the eye and say “hold my beer”. You think nobody can lose against Donald Trump? Think again. You think nobody can lose running against Donald Trump and a House full of spineless Republicans? Watch and see.

But there’s another way. A better way. Look deep inside yourself, and discover the Truth that’s always been there but you’ve always been afraid, nay, compelled to deny. Deep down, you know you really want someone who feels the same way you do. Deep down, you know you want:

The Misanthrope Party.

Yes folks, this year it’s time to send a clear message and vote Misanthrope. As that great moral philosopher A. Skywalker said, “Search your feelings; you know it’s true.”

What do I stand for? Absolutely nothing. Not in a nihilistic sense of “nothing is real, nothing matters”, but in a very real sense of “screw you guys, I’m going home”. I promise to not even bother to show up. I’ll just collect a paycheck and not even bother to show up for floor debates, because really, what’s the point? Everybody who isn’t already bought and paid for has already made up their mind, they don’t change anything, and nobody watches them anyway.

I already live near enough to D.C. that if I decide to show up for a vote because I’m bored I can drive in, which will make me look all fiscally responsible, which I hear some people actually like. I’m far enough away that I’m technically not a “Washington insider”, which apparently is the hip thing these days.

Here’s the best thing: I’m a completely dishonest politician in the classic sense, because I don’t stay bought. Want to buy my vote? Go ahead and try. I’ll take your money and I still won’t vote. The best you can do is pay me not to vote for an issue, and even then you’ll be left wondering: did we just get had? I’m not saying. I’ll just run for re-election.

Face it folks: At least I’m honest. And I’m as good as it gets these days.

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