Bob For Dictator

With the recent passing of Hugo Chavez, I’ve given more thought to my lifelong ambition of being world dictator. After all, I’d have to start somewhere, and while everyone dreams of starting big you don’t become head of Microsoft overnight. You have to work your way up, maybe be CEO of a little start-up or troubled firm first, prove yourself, and then you can move on to take over an established property. So with this new opening in Venezuela, I figured this might be my chance to prove I can do it.

I feel my qualifications are right in line with what it takes to be a first-class dictator. I have a firm grasp of basic economics combined with a sufficiently callous disregard for my fellow man that prevents me from being swayed by anecdotal evidence. I’m willing to listen to others but I still know how to make my own decisions. Both my friends and my enemies have described me as charming, and I have no issue dealing with problems in a ruthlessly efficient manner. I’ve been a student of political philosophy for years, and I use Machiavelli’s The Prince as a guide to management. I also love puppies.

You might think my past writings could present a problem to being world dictator, particularly with their focus on classical liberalism and individual rights. On the contrary! There is a long and honored history in the DIY dictatorship movement of positioning oneself as a “man of the people”, and the longer I can maintain that image, the farther I’ll go. Hugo Chavez pulled it off to the day he died! The best way to burnish this image is to get the endorsement of some vapid pop culture icon who wants to enhance their credentials on the world stage; I’m thinking Justin Bieber.

There is of course the language barrier to consider since I don’t speak Spanish, but I don’t see this as a challenge but rather an opportunity. As soon as I take over I will simply change the national language to English, which will open up a world of trade opportunities. There might be some difficulties for the populace at first, but growth can often be hard. The long-term value, particularly for me, is self-evident.

For those who are concerned I would allow the power to go to my head, I promise to stay true to my core values of economic freedom and prosperity. I would immediately privatize all national companies so as to allow the free market to determine the best use of resources. In order to allow those resources to find the most interested owners, I would of course have to privatize them in my own name at first, and then sell them off to the highest bidders. I would then use the money generated to fund a lavish lifestyle for myself, providing a sterling example to the people of Venezuela and the world of the benefits of free-market capitalism.

The only thing I see holding me back from all of this is the one thing that has prevented me from assuming my rightful role as world dictator all along: my lack of ambition. When you get down to it, I just down have the drive and energy to run an entire country by myself, let alone the entire world. What I’m really interested in doing is letting a bunch of other people make the big decisions while I ride around in a cool car, wear some swanky clothes, and let the masses adore me. I’d make a few appearances every now and then, wave to the people, and make a speech once a week or so.

Come to think of it, is that Pope gig still open?