An Open Letter to the World

Dear Everyone,

We’ve known each other for quite a while, practically my whole life, and while it’s been a good relationship on the whole, there are a few things I need to get off my chest. See, the thing is you have some bad habits, and if they don’t change soon I’m afraid we just can’t be friends anymore. I know this seems kind of sudden, but it’s been building for some time. If you haven’t been able to see this coming that just shows how dysfunctional our relationship has become.

And so, in no particular order, here are the things I really need you to work on:

You walk in front of, behind, and in general all around moving cars, as if they won’t hit you. They will. You need to stop that.

Clean up after yourself. Seriously.

You drive too fast.

Stop picking fights.

I don’t care about your religion, so please stop bringing it up.

Clean up after your dog.

Racism, sexism, and –isms in general.

Stop riding your bike in the middle of the road. I don’t drive in the middle of the sidewalk.

Clean up after your kids.

You drive too slow.

Stop yelling. I can hear you. The people in the next room can hear you. The people several houses down can hear you.

I don’t care about your politics, so please stop bringing it up.

You double park. All the time. I don’t care how big your car is, or how big you are, one car, one spot is the rule.

Learn how to courtesy flush.

I don’t care about your new iPhone, so please stop bringing it up.

I understand you’re a big fan of public transportation. I think that’s admirable. Please move into the city, where they have some, and out of the suburbs, where we’re tired of hearing you talk about it.

No matter how many times I ask, you keep casting David Spade in things.

Turn it down. If you need a hearing aid, get one. The rest of us aren’t deaf.

Put a muffler on that thing.

Don’t use management terms in everyday life. If you try to “put something on my radar” “from 10,000 feet” because I need to “take an institutional view”, my foot with find synergy with your ass.

Stop hitting on women who are clearly wearing wedding rings.

Telling me “You don’t look like a smoker.” I realize I don’t look like a cowboy or a camel, but exactly what DOES a smoker look like?

Enough with the unsolicited advice.

Mouth-breathing. I know this comes up a lot, but how hard is it to sit with your mouth closed?

I know this makes me sound pedantic, but please, stop saying “literally” when you mean “metaphorically”. It literally gives me fits.

Please stop putting pictures of your food online. Unless it looks like someone famous, I’m really not interested.

Writing computer viruses. It stopped being “cool” in 1990.

I know this is asking a lot, and I don’t expect you to change overnight, but if I don’t see some sort of action soon, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Sincerely,

Bob