Bonsall’s Laws
Posted: March 14, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Musings | Tags: comedy, humor Leave a commentThe following are a list of observations defining life. Some are personal observations, while others are taken from outside sources. Thus, you might recognize some. Just because I didn’t notice it first doesn’t make it any less true.
- Hope was in Pandora’s box for a reason.
- No matter how good you think you are, there’s always someone faster, smarter, stronger and better. Moral: Don’t get cocky.
- Lest thou tempt the Fates, keep thy big mouth shut.
- It’s good to want things. It strengthens the soul.
- Anything is possible. Probable is another matter entirely.
- Always expect the worst. You’ll either be prepared or pleasantly surprised.
- There is no justice in the universe. The best you can hope for is revenge.
- A bad habit, once acquired, can never be lost, only replaced.
- Bitterness is the wellspring of creativity.
- It is morally wrong to let a fool keep his money.
- And it harm none, cover thy own ass shall be the whole of the law.
- Always start your day with a smile. Get it over with.
- If you never tried, you never failed.
- Be sure what you ask for is what you really want; you just might get it.
- There’s something to be said for ambiguity.
- The ease with which a man says “I love you” is inversely proportional to how much he means it.
- Violence is never the answer. it does, however, give you time to think about the answer.
- Polite conversation is anything but.
- Always have a good publicist, but never believe your own hype.
- A person’s guilt in any given situation is inversely proportional to the speed with which they deny it.
- Platitudes to the contrary not withstanding, even a coward dies but once.
- If you can’t stop in time, smile as you go under.
- When in doubt, lie. If you get caught, apologize. Never admit to doing it.
- It is better to look good than to feel good, and it is far better to feel good than to be good.
- Every man has his good reasons.
Bob For Dictator
Posted: March 11, 2013 Filed under: Humor | Tags: comedy, Hugo Chavez, humor, Venezeula Leave a commentWith the recent passing of Hugo Chavez, I’ve given more thought to my lifelong ambition of being world dictator. After all, I’d have to start somewhere, and while everyone dreams of starting big you don’t become head of Microsoft overnight. You have to work your way up, maybe be CEO of a little start-up or troubled firm first, prove yourself, and then you can move on to take over an established property. So with this new opening in Venezuela, I figured this might be my chance to prove I can do it.
I feel my qualifications are right in line with what it takes to be a first-class dictator. I have a firm grasp of basic economics combined with a sufficiently callous disregard for my fellow man that prevents me from being swayed by anecdotal evidence. I’m willing to listen to others but I still know how to make my own decisions. Both my friends and my enemies have described me as charming, and I have no issue dealing with problems in a ruthlessly efficient manner. I’ve been a student of political philosophy for years, and I use Machiavelli’s The Prince as a guide to management. I also love puppies.
You might think my past writings could present a problem to being world dictator, particularly with their focus on classical liberalism and individual rights. On the contrary! There is a long and honored history in the DIY dictatorship movement of positioning oneself as a “man of the people”, and the longer I can maintain that image, the farther I’ll go. Hugo Chavez pulled it off to the day he died! The best way to burnish this image is to get the endorsement of some vapid pop culture icon who wants to enhance their credentials on the world stage; I’m thinking Justin Bieber.
There is of course the language barrier to consider since I don’t speak Spanish, but I don’t see this as a challenge but rather an opportunity. As soon as I take over I will simply change the national language to English, which will open up a world of trade opportunities. There might be some difficulties for the populace at first, but growth can often be hard. The long-term value, particularly for me, is self-evident.
For those who are concerned I would allow the power to go to my head, I promise to stay true to my core values of economic freedom and prosperity. I would immediately privatize all national companies so as to allow the free market to determine the best use of resources. In order to allow those resources to find the most interested owners, I would of course have to privatize them in my own name at first, and then sell them off to the highest bidders. I would then use the money generated to fund a lavish lifestyle for myself, providing a sterling example to the people of Venezuela and the world of the benefits of free-market capitalism.
The only thing I see holding me back from all of this is the one thing that has prevented me from assuming my rightful role as world dictator all along: my lack of ambition. When you get down to it, I just down have the drive and energy to run an entire country by myself, let alone the entire world. What I’m really interested in doing is letting a bunch of other people make the big decisions while I ride around in a cool car, wear some swanky clothes, and let the masses adore me. I’d make a few appearances every now and then, wave to the people, and make a speech once a week or so.
Come to think of it, is that Pope gig still open?
Sequester Bop
Posted: February 27, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: humor, politics, satire, sequester, sequestration Leave a commentSequester Bop
(To the tune of The Ramones Blitzkrieg Bop)
Hey, ho! Let’s go! Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go! Hey, ho! Let’s go!
They’re selling us a party line. They’re gonna fix it this time.
Politicians losing their minds, Sequester Bop!
They’re running out of money, goin’ crazy down on K Street,
It’s gonna get real bloody, Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, blowing through the cash now!
What they want I don’t know, all revved up and nowhere to go!
GOP blames the Democrats, then they get it right back,
And now here comes the news flack, Sequester Bop!
They’re fleeing out of D.C., they’re selling out you and me,
The politics are plain to see, Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, stab us in the back now!
What they want, they don’t know, all revved up and nowhere to go!
Whether righty or a lefty, they don’t care about the country,
They’re screwing the economy, Sequester Bop!
They’re generating hot air, the truth is that they don’t care,
The people haven’t got a prayer! Sequester Bop!
Hey, ho, let’s go, pander to the base now!
Who they’re fooling I don’t know, but it’s time for them to go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Hey, ho! Let’s go!
Dating Advice From Classical Deities
Posted: February 13, 2013 Filed under: Culture, Dating, Humor | Tags: advice, culture, dating, humor, mythology 2 Comments
Marie-Lan Nguyen / Wikimedia Commons (Public Domain)
Hera
Dear Hera,
I have been married for about six months now, and I’m starting to worry about my relationship. My husband and I used to go out all the time, but lately he stays late at work a lot, and when he comes home he just eats dinner and then watches TV until bedtime. He never seems to have time for me anymore, and on the weekend he goes out with his buddies. We don’t talk like we used to, and I’m afraid there may even be another woman. I’ve thought about looking through his email and his text messages, but if I didn’t find anything I’d feel like a horrible person, and if I did find something that would be even worse. I just don’t know what to do. Please help!
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Dear Concerned Matron,
It is an unfortunate fact that so many of our children have been raised on fairy tales to believe that all it takes is a magic ceremony to create the perfect circumstances for “happily ever after”. What the stories don’t prepare you for is the lifetime of work that follows. A marriage is more than simply living together in domestic bliss; it is a partnership, and one that must be cared for, nurtured, and treated well, lest it die from inattention. I am encouraged to hear you have not yet taken the irreversible step of violating your husband’s trust; a good marriage is built on trust and mutual respect, and once broken it can be almost impossible to recover. Believe in him, and surely you will be rewarded. Rather than snooping, try talking to him. Find a time when you can both be calm and relaxed and share your concerns; likely he has some of the same fears, and by sharing them you will strengthen your relationship. Confrontations don’t solve anything, but conversations can be the beginning of a better life for you both.
Tyr and Fenrir in for Our Fathers’ Godsaga by Viktor Rydberg/ Public Domain (Wikimedia Commons)
Fenrir
Dear Fenrir,
My family just doesn’t get me. They’re a bunch of straights, and I want to have fun while I’m still young enough to enjoy it! So I go out and have a good time, and yeah, I date some crazy women, but it’s not like I’m hurting anyone! I’m careful, I use protection, and we’re all consenting adults. Why can’t they just get off my back already?
Signed,
Black Sheep
Dear Wild Child,
Family, am I right? You get just a little bit out of line and they can’t wait to chain you down with responsibilities and their “vision” of what you should be. Here’s the thing though: they really do care about you, and even though you think you’re not hurting anyone, you also may not be looking at the bigger picture. Are you considering where you’ll be in five years, or fifty? Parties are great while they last, but sooner or later the party winds down, and they’re worried you’ll be the lone wolf without anyone to go home to. Give it some thought, let them know you understand their fears and show them you have a handle on where your life is headed, and maybe they won’t object so much if you go out and howl at the moon once in a while.
Huitzilopochtli
Huitzilopochtli, from the Codex Telleriano-Remensis (16th century) (Public domain/Wikimedia Commons)
Dear Huitzilopochtli,
My girlfriend and I are always fighting. I have no idea why. Sometimes I think we just like to fight. The making-up part is great, but I’m not sure it’s worth it anymore. Half the time it seems like I’m in the doghouse for no reason at all, or just so she can lord it over me. I look at other guys’ relationships and it seems like this isn’t normal, so I’m wondering if it’s me, or us, or what. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired of Fighting
Dear Warrior of Love,
The question you should be asking yourself is not “is this worth it?” but rather “why did we get together in the first place?” If the sole reason for your relationship is to provide some sort of spark or antagonism that each of you craves, even subconsciously, you need to break it off for both of your sakes. An addiction to drama is an addiction like any other, and continuing to feed it is a sure path to self-destruction. If there is something genuine in the relationship, you need to rediscover what it is that you mean to each other and find ways of resolving your conflicts properly. Patience, understanding, and communication are the way to resolve disputes. Fighting only leads to more fighting.
Coyote
Curtis, Edward S. Indian Days of the Long Ago. Yonkers-on-Hudson: World Book Company, 1915. Page 84. (Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons)
Dear Coyote,
Theres a boy at school that is very good looking and very nice and all the girls like him and so do I and hes very nice and I think he might like me to but I dont know for sure and I’m not sure if I should ask him or not and even if I do I don’t know what to say and my mommy says I should play hard to get and I dont even knwo what that meens and I would like it if you could help me please thank you.
Your friend,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a rabbit that was out on the plains, and this rabbit wanted to get a particularly appealing looking plant to eat. He thought he was a clever rabbit, so he hid out behind a rock, and waited until the sun had almost set. When he thought the time was just right, he bounced over and went for it, figuring it was late enough the snakes wouldn’t be out but too early for the owls. Well, he was right, but he forgot about just one thing: I’m not an early riser. The point of the story is fortune favors the bold. Be honest, don’t play games, just go on up to that young man and let him know you like him. Best case you found yourself a fine young man. Worst case? You found out he’s got poor taste before it’s too late.
Other posts you might like:
Dating Advice from Philosophers
Dating Advice from Historical Figures
Dating Advice from Mythological Creatures
Bonus post: DIY Demotivators
Posted: February 7, 2013 Filed under: Humor, Satire | Tags: Demotivators, humor, satire 1 CommentI was inspired recently to create a couple Demotivational posters. If you’re as much of a fan as I am (I’ve loved them ever since my sister got me a calendar several years ago), check ’em out, and be sure to go buy some so they keep producing more!
Dating Advice From Mythological Creatures
Posted: December 3, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Dating, Humor | Tags: advice, culture, dating, humor, men, mythology, women 9 CommentsMedusa
Dear Medusa,
I’ve been dating this girl for a few weeks now, and at first things seemed really great, but lately things haven’t been going so well. She’s started to criticize the way I dress, the way I talk, and even the people I hang out with. I like her a lot and I want to make her happy, but I’m not really comfortable with the way she’s been acting lately. My friends say I should ditch her, but I don’t think they “get” her the way I do, you know? What should I do?
Signed,
Conflicted in Love
Dear Blinded by Lust,
I know you think you are in love, but the truth is you’re not. You are in lust. True love is something that you have with someone who not only accepts you for who you are, but embraces you that way, and loves you that way. They don’t have to love your friends the way you do, but they have to at least be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt as well. If you really want my advice, listen to your friends and leave this girl before you lose sight of the person you really are. Find a girl who isn’t going to try to change you into something that you’re not.
Sphinx
Dear Sphinx,
My boyfriend and I have a very rocky relationship. Sometimes things can be going along just fine, but then I’ll say something wrong and he’ll just fly off the handle. We’ll argue for a couple hours, and then we’ll realize that the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding. We make up and things will be fine for a few weeks, but then it happens again. He doesn’t normally have a short temper, so I’m starting to think it’s me. What should I do?
Signed,
Tired of Fighting
Dear Pythia,
My first question would be why you go a few weeks without problems. If you find yourself walking around on eggshells trying to make him happy, then you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out before things escalate. However if it is as you say and it is simply a matter of the occasional argument, then I have to wonder what you’re not telling me. If there are major communication problems in your relationship, you need to either find a way to resolve them or else you need to find someone else. Clear communication, on both sides, is the key to any successful relationship. You don’t want to be with someone long-term who is going to bite your head off because you misunderstood something they said.
Pegasus
Dear Pegasus,
[Letter edited for privacy.] Should I or shouldn’t I?
Signed,
Conflicted
Dear Star Struck,
Nay.
Fates
Dear Fates,
I’ve just started dating the most amazing guy. He’s sweet, he’s kind, and he’s generous. We’ve only been together for a week, but I’m already pretty sure he could be “The One”. How do I know?
Signed,
Ready for Commitment
Dear Overeager,
Ah, to be young and in love. The whole world seems fresh and new, and everything is in harmony. While we understand the desire to press forward and seize the moment, to try and capture it and spin about it a cocoon of certainty to last the ages, the future is as uncertain and unconstant for men as it is for gods. The only sure path is to worry not what the future may hold, but rather to embrace the present, enjoy today for what it is, and let things develop as they will. Tomorrow will come soon enough.
Furies
Dear Furies,
My girlfriend hates my family. I mean, not just hates, but HATES my family. I can’t really blame her, they’ve always been mean to her, but I still love them; they’re my family, you know? She’s made an ultimatum this year: either I spend Christmas with her or my family, but if I pick them I better find another date for New Year’s, if you know what I mean. I just don’t know what to do.
Signed,
Pulled in Two Directions
Dear Inconstant Son,
We know all too well what it is you mean: that you are an ingrate. Your family has provided for you, nursed you, sheltered you, and you are unsure as to what your proper course of action is? For shame! You should be whipped and reviled! As for this wanton that would tear you from the loving arms of your family, be assured: anyone who would make you choose between them and your family is not worthwhile, and they have only given you the easiest choice you will ever have to make.
Mermaid
Deer Mermaid,
There was this boy I liked and he liked me and we liked each other I don’t just mean liked I mean REELY liked liked and then his mommy got a new job in another place and he had to move away and now I’m sad and what should I do?
Signed,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
You poor girl, there is nothing so wonderful as first love, nor is there anything so tragic as love’s first heartbreak. I too know all too well the inconsistencies of men; the sweet promises they whisper, and yet they never stay for long. Always they long for the things they have left behind: their treasures, their vessels, their air. Take strength from this, sweet Jenny, and learn from it. For even as you have loved and lost, surely you will love again, and as my dear mother used to say to me, “there are plenty of men upon the land.”
A Vote for Me is a Vote for America
Posted: October 22, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: America, comedy, culture, election, humor, politics, pop culture, popular culture, satire, voting 2 CommentsEarly voting has begun, and so I have decided it’s time to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I was considering explaining my positions on various key issues, but after studying my opponents’ campaigns in depth I realized that was the wrong strategy. Instead I have decided to emulate their approach and connect with you, the voters. I’m going to explain why you should vote for me, because I’m one of you.
If you’re young, hey, I was young once. I get you. If you’re old, I plan to be old someday. And if you’re somewhere in between, that’s where I’m at right now.
If you’re a man, what a coincidence! So am I. And if you’re a woman, hey, let’s hear it for the X chromosome! You’ve got one, I’ve got one, you’ve got another one. It’s like we’re half-sisters!
If you’re poor, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. If you’re rich, I want to know what it’s like. And if you’re in the middle class, I probably live next door to you.
For the white people out there, nothing to worry about, I’m as white as Mitt Romney. And if you’re a minority, I spent a whole half-hour in Southeast D.C. once, so I can relate.
If you’re a college graduate, I’ve been to college. If you’re not a college graduate, neither am I! I’m the middle of the road candidate America has been crying out for.
Hablo español.
If there’s a cause you support, let me assure you that there’s twelve months and 365 days in a year. Depending on the number of votes you can deliver, I can hook you up with an Awareness Month or a federal holiday. Trust me, I’m good for it.
I have voted Republican, Democrat, and Libertarian. No matter what you are for or against, I am both for and against it.
I believe in the same God you do, which is to say I worship the Almighty Dollar.
I’ve been crushed by student debt, I’ve been crushed by credit card debt, and I was crushed when Bella chose Edward over Jacob.
I will never pander for your vote unless you want me to.
I promise to cut taxes, cut the deficit, save Social Security, and save you a bunch of money on your car insurance.
I vow I will not bail out Wall Street, I will bail out Main Street, and I always buy American.
I am The Boy Who Lived.
I believe in climate change, and I’m all for it.
I support the right for any loving couple, no matter their gender, to get a divorce.
I believe America needs to get back to work, and America works best when we all pull together towards a common goal. That’s why I’m asking you, my fellow Americans, to work to support me in my campaign to be President of the United States.
Thank you, and Almighty Dollar bless.
A Not So Modest Proposal
Posted: October 5, 2012 Filed under: Politics, Satire | Tags: A Modest Proposal, health care, humor, Jonathan Swift, kidney transplant, organ donation, politics, satire, Supreme Court Leave a commentIt has recently come to my attention that the kidney transplantation committee of the United Network for Organ Sharing has issued a proposal to change the way in which donated kidneys are distributed to those who are currently waiting for kidneys. Apparently the current system is as much of a lottery as… well, the lottery, only the winners in this lottery receive a few more years of life, while the losers receive a lovely floral arrangement. The new system looks to improve this by extending the total number of years of life saved, and perhaps even reduce the number of lost donations.
While I understand this is an admirable goal, I feel it is incumbent upon myself, your humble public servant, to point out the logical fallacy in this plan. While they are at least considering improving the efficient use of the resources at hand, they are not in fact addressing the core issue: the scarcity of viable kidneys, and by extension the further scarcity of other organs, tissues, and various donations that up to this point have only been left behind by that handful of Good Samaritans who are willing to sacrifice for the greater good.
Now, far be it from me to suggest something so vulgar as to taint the system by introducing monetary recompense for the donors. Certainly the doctors, the hospitals, and others involved along the way need to have their palms greased with filthy lucre in order to entice them to participate in what would otherwise be a noble calling, but the very idea of incentivizing people to participate in organ donation after they pass on is so far beyond the pale as to not deserve further mention. Even if it would relieve the burden on the system and enrich some few souls along the way, life itself is far too precious a commodity to put a price tag on, unlike something common like food, shelter, or health insurance.
No, I believe the answer is instead to appeal to the better nature of our fellow citizens, and instead follow in the path of our recent Supreme Court decision regarding health care. If it is mandatory that we all participate in the health care of our nation by carrying health insurance, surely it is no great leap to suggest that we make it compulsory to participate in organ donation? Just think of the benefits! No more long waiting lists, no more years desperately hoping for a match; just one bad pile-up on the highway and everyone is a winner (well, except maybe the poor souls on the highway, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs).
I understand there may be a few initial objections to my plan, but they can all be easily addressed. After all, our country has a long and distinguished history of compulsory service in the military for young men, and that’s hardly ever given us any trouble. For those who may have religious objections, while I can understand their hesitation, I’m afraid we simply cannot oblige. In days of yore when a corpse was no more than the husk of a departed soul the disposition of such was irrelevant, but science moves ever forward, and while there may have been a time when we could indulge quaint flights of fancy and superstitious notions, those days are long gone. For those who would claim a “right to privacy”, I say the body public has a use for the body private and it must not be denied.
If you think my solution unjust, if you believe my methods unfair, I ask you: is it just to leave people on machines for years on end, hoping against hope to beat the odds? Is their suffering worth nothing? Do we, as a society, not care? What other alternative do we have? A few extra years is not enough; why save one when we can save them all?
In summary, I leave you with a paraphrase of the great John F. Kennedy: “Think not what your country can do for you, think what your organs can do for your country.”
Dating Advice From Historical Figures
Posted: October 1, 2012 Filed under: Dating, Humor | Tags: advice, comedy, culture, dating, dating advice from philosophers, etiquette, history, humor, life, men, relationships, women 8 CommentsKarl Marx
Karl Marx would be happy to know this picture is in the public domain, giving according to its abilities, taking according to its needs.
Dear Karl Marx,
I have a question about blind dates. I haven’t been on the dating scene in a long time, and I’m not sure how to handle things. I’ve heard that the guy is supposed to pay for dinner, but I’m still struggling to get out from under some pretty horrendous student loans, and I can’t afford to be taking out a lot of girls I don’t even know, especially if things end up going nowhere. On the other hand, I don’t want to look cheap. What’s a guy to do?
Signed,
Struggling in the New Economy
Dear Laborer,
It is truly disheartening to hear that even in this day and age the forms of capital are being used as a symbol of control in relationships rather than existing as a means to advance a fellowship of well-being and understanding. Ah, well; such is the way of the world until society is changed. In the meantime, I would advise you to reach out to those of your contemporaries who are of a similar understanding, building those relationships that you can gradually and with time, rather than with displays of bourgeois largesse. Perhaps meet her for a cup of coffee and discuss common interests so you can get to know her as a person; if she truly is a part of the struggle of the proletariat, she won’t mind going dutch.
Thomas Jefferson
We hold this truth to be self-evident: that this picture is in the public domain.
Dear Thomas Jefferson,
I’ve got a serious problem and I’ pretty sure only you can help. I was at a party a few weeks ago, I got kind of drunk, and I ended up hooking up with this girl. Thing is, she wasn’t my girlfriend. I feel awful about it, but I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told my girlfriend about it, and I’m wondering if I should. I really love her, and I think she’d forgive me, but would it be right?
Signed,
Too Much Southern Comfort
Dear Southern Man,
When you choose to overindulge in spirits, there is a race to determine whether you run out of wisdom or honor first; the only certainty, as you have found, is that you will lose. In this instance, your impulse to unburden your conscience to your long-suffering significant other is not one born out of compassion, but rather one of guilt and further self-indulgence. The only course of action open to you at this point is to bear the knowledge of your misdeeds alone; keep your own counsel on this matter of impropriety, and let history be your judge.
Sigmund Freud
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but this photo is always in the public domain.
Dear Sigmund Freud,
I’ve been with this girl for a while now, and things are getting pretty serious. I’m starting to think she might be The One. But how do you tell? I mean, I’m talking about making a commitment for the rest of my life. How can you be sure about something like that?
Signed,
Ready to Make the Leap
Dear Superego,
It is understandable that you are hesitant about such a major life change, and decisions of such gravity bring a great deal of internal strife to everyone. Before settling on a course of action, explore your motivations; consider what might be driving you to take your relationship to this new and deeper level. Is it this girl in particular that makes you feel ready for a lifelong commitment, or are you simply responding to a suppressed need yet unfulfilled? While you’re at it, take a good look at her mother, because that’s what you’ll be married to in twenty years.
Abraham Lincoln
Public domain.
Dear Abraham Lincoln,
I’ve been married for a few months now, and I’m worried our life has gotten to be kind of routine. I want to mix things up a little bit, try to get “out of the rut”, but I’m not sure how. Do you have any suggestions of some fun, adventurous things we can do together?
Signed,
Looking for Adventure
Dear Citizen of the Republic,
While I certainly respect and admire your desire to preserve the union you have with your wife, I wonder if you have given full thought to the many options available to you. While the drive for glory may seem attractive now, it soon pales before the simpler pleasures of hearth and home. May I suggest instead a special night in? Cook your new wife dinner; make some light conversation; perhaps a game of charades. Going out on the town is overrated.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Public domain.
Dear Mr. Napolean,
I had this guy I really liked and I thought he liked me to and I had a friend who was supposed to ask him if he liked me so I could find out if he liked me like I liked him but instead she asked him if he liked her and now they’re going together and I’m sad. Even worse all my other freinds arent talking to me because I said she was a poopyhead. What should I do?
Your firend,
Jenny
Dear Mademoiselle Jennifer,
I also understand the pain of betrayal; to feel as if you are the emperor of the world one moment and a mere exile from all that you know the next. But fear not! With sufficient effort and planning, you can stage a coup d’etat against those who rule your current circumstances, and once again take your rightful place in your social circle. Make use of what you know about those who stand against you, and do not hesitate to spread their most shameful secrets to the world. Press your advantage ruthlessly, and crush them utterly. Do not forget that this is war; you do this not out of revenge, but to teach a lesson to others who might be tempted to stand against you, and to prevent further battle in the days to come.
Confucius
A true gentleman would know this is in the public domain.
Dear Confucius,
There’s a girl I go to college with that I’d really like to get to know better. We take a few classes together, but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask her out yet. I’m not sure if she’d be interested in me, and I’d be devastated if she turned me down. Should I go for it, or should I just try to stay friends?
Signed,
Pining Away
Dear Junzi,
It is well that you are in college, for the pursuit of knowledge is in itself a part of the path of virtue. It is however only one part; self-knowledge, the cultivation of virtue, and filial duty also play their roles. If you are a true gentleman, what woman would refuse you? You say you have classes in common; surely that is something you can use as a place to start a meaningful interaction. Failing that, try taking her father out for a round of golf.
Finding Strength through Adversity
Posted: September 17, 2012 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: advice, comedy, culture, etiquette, humor, life, philosophy 2 Comments“Life’s not fair.” These are the words of wisdom my mother greeted me with every time I was a child and I had a complaint about some new injustice that had been visited upon me. (To be fair, I preferred this to her more often used “go play in traffic” or “take a long walk off a short pier”, but I digress.) I have since come to understand that in her own Long Island way she was trying to toughen me up and prepare me for a cruel and uncaring world. (I think. I’m still not sure about the traffic thing.)
Since then I have had good days and bad days, and then I have had “Oh dear GOD seriously WTF?!?” days. These latter have reminded me more than once of mom’s admonition when I was a child, and after I got done playing in traffic, I would then remember that she also had other important life lessons to share and try to find strength through the adversity. There are certain key things I have since found that, by keeping them in mind, have helped me to get through even the most trying of days.
Some days are just going to suck. Accept it now. This may not seem comforting, but the truth is it helps. Once you accept that there is nothing you can do about it, that the cards are all stacked against you and fighting against it is simply a waste of time and energy, it becomes a lot easier to just go with the flow. That’s not to say you should take individual events lying down; rather just that you need to accept that today is going to be “one of those days”, and not try to somehow make it a good one.
It’s not personal. Even when it feels like the entire universe has singled you out to be picked on today, chances are that’s not the case (and if it is, I strongly suggest you give Ashton Kutcher a good shot in the mouth when he jumps out to tell you “you’ve been Punk’d!” So has your career, Ashton.) Most of the people around you who are getting on your nerves are just trying to get through their own mediocre-to-awful day, and I promise that they are not trying to make your day worse, so taking it out on them will not help… no matter how good you think it might feel.
Taking it out on someone else will not make you feel better. Since you have the discriminating taste and class to read this, I am assuming you’re not a raging asshole, so I feel safe in making this prediction. In a heated moment you might think you’ll get some satisfaction in making someone else pay for adding to your already steaming pile of a day, but in all likelihood you’re just going to walk away feeling a little worse for having gone off for no good reason. You’re also going to leave them with a bad impression of you, which is likely to make tomorrow (or a future day) worse, if they don’t just decide to serve their revenge piping hot.
There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself. I don’t mean to endorse over-indulgence here (I prefer to endorse that all on its own), but when things are already in the toilet, why put yourself through the added misery of denial? Treats are just that, and sometimes you need one. Have some ice cream. Pour a glass of wine. Go see a movie. When the world refuses to cut you a break, cut yourself a slice of pie.
That’s what friends are for. Real friends aren’t the people you go drinking with when you are in a good mood. They are the people you call when you need to complain about your bad mood. Great friends are the ones who take you out drinking so you can complain about your bad mood and then pick up the check.
Every day ends. No matter how bad it gets, no matter how long it feels, the one redeeming virtue of every bad day is that it only last 24 hours. Even if the bad carries over into the next day, there’s always the chance that this new day will only be mediocre rather than a true crapfest. And even if things don’t improve, the new day is still only 24 hours long.
Wait for “the cherry”. You’ll know the cherry when it happens: that last, little thing that isn’t nearly so bad as the rest, more of a finisher, the topping that just says, “And now your shit sundae is complete.” Once you have experienced this transcendent moment, you can at least start to look forward to the inevitable dénouement to the dramarama your day has been thus far.
There’s always tomorrow. Yes, it’s cliché, but clichés exist for a reason. This one exists to remind us that so long as we live, there is a chance of some good balancing out the bad, and even if life isn’t fair, that doesn’t mean it can’t get better.
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My Not So Humble Opinion 