Top 10 Reasons Washington, D.C.’s Pro Football Team Name Is Offensive

Posted: October 30, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

10. Russet potatoes feel left out

9. “Wounded Knee” should refer to historic battle, not Robert Griffin III

8. “Pox Ridden Blanket” Theme Night not a big success

7. Other minorities don’t have major league sports teams named after their favorite ethnic slurs

6. Can’t be called the home team because “we were here first”

5. Team owner Dan Snyder insists on referring to season tickets as “reservations”

4. Stadium concessions stands refuse to accept beads and animal skins as currency

3. Tribes can’t scalp… tickets

2. D.C. allows casinos, but won’t put one in the stadium

1. Polls show Native Americans don’t want to be associated with the Federal government

The NSA Knows

Posted: October 4, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The NSA Knows

(Sung to the tune of “Anything Goes” by Cole Porter)

Times have changed,

As I’m sure we can all agree,

Since the Americans rebelled

And they created a country.

If today,

They should list several Rights of Man,

Instead of answering the call,

They would be tossed into the can!

 

In olden days the Fourth Amendment

Was looked on as something sacred,

But Snowden showed,

The NSA knows.

 

You thought your email, text and Facebook

Were safe from some spook taking a look.

Under your nose,

The NSA knows.

 

The world has gone mad today

And good’s bad today,

And black’s white today,

And day’s night today,

When warrants today

Are issued today

By secret courts today

And though I’m not a philosopher

I know that it’s unpopular

When you propose,

The NSA knows.

 

When grandmama whose age is eighty

In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo’s,

The NSA knows.

 

When something’s done in South America

Particularly Brazil and Mexico,

The NSA knows.

 

If driving fast cars you like,

If low bars you like,

If old hymns you like,

If bare limbs you like,

If Mae West you like

Or me undressed you like,

Watch for agents in plainclothes!

 

Your Google drive

Has tax returns

Or your Flickr account shows your friends in nude photos?

The NSA knows.

 

If saying your prayers you like,

If green pears you like,

If old chairs you like,

If back stairs you like,

If love affairs you like

With young bears you like,

Watch out for privacy’s foes!

 

And though I’m not a philosopher

I know that it’s unpopular

And I propose –

The NSA goes!

An Open Letter to the World

Posted: September 23, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor, Musings | Tags: , , | 5 Comments

Dear Everyone,

We’ve known each other for quite a while, practically my whole life, and while it’s been a good relationship on the whole, there are a few things I need to get off my chest. See, the thing is you have some bad habits, and if they don’t change soon I’m afraid we just can’t be friends anymore. I know this seems kind of sudden, but it’s been building for some time. If you haven’t been able to see this coming that just shows how dysfunctional our relationship has become.

And so, in no particular order, here are the things I really need you to work on:

You walk in front of, behind, and in general all around moving cars, as if they won’t hit you. They will. You need to stop that.

Clean up after yourself. Seriously.

You drive too fast.

Stop picking fights.

I don’t care about your religion, so please stop bringing it up.

Clean up after your dog.

Racism, sexism, and –isms in general.

Stop riding your bike in the middle of the road. I don’t drive in the middle of the sidewalk.

Clean up after your kids.

You drive too slow.

Stop yelling. I can hear you. The people in the next room can hear you. The people several houses down can hear you.

I don’t care about your politics, so please stop bringing it up.

You double park. All the time. I don’t care how big your car is, or how big you are, one car, one spot is the rule.

Learn how to courtesy flush.

I don’t care about your new iPhone, so please stop bringing it up.

I understand you’re a big fan of public transportation. I think that’s admirable. Please move into the city, where they have some, and out of the suburbs, where we’re tired of hearing you talk about it.

No matter how many times I ask, you keep casting David Spade in things.

Turn it down. If you need a hearing aid, get one. The rest of us aren’t deaf.

Put a muffler on that thing.

Don’t use management terms in everyday life. If you try to “put something on my radar” “from 10,000 feet” because I need to “take an institutional view”, my foot with find synergy with your ass.

Stop hitting on women who are clearly wearing wedding rings.

Telling me “You don’t look like a smoker.” I realize I don’t look like a cowboy or a camel, but exactly what DOES a smoker look like?

Enough with the unsolicited advice.

Mouth-breathing. I know this comes up a lot, but how hard is it to sit with your mouth closed?

I know this makes me sound pedantic, but please, stop saying “literally” when you mean “metaphorically”. It literally gives me fits.

Please stop putting pictures of your food online. Unless it looks like someone famous, I’m really not interested.

Writing computer viruses. It stopped being “cool” in 1990.

I know this is asking a lot, and I don’t expect you to change overnight, but if I don’t see some sort of action soon, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

 

Sincerely,

Bob

Why I Don’t Give a Shit

Posted: July 19, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | Tags: , , | 6 Comments

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that at this time I do not and cannot give a shit. I have not yet run out of give a shit, but I am perilously close to running out, and I have had to start carefully rationing my give a shit. At one point in time I was full of shit and could shoot the shit all day long, but I got the shit beat out of me and that is no longer the case. I hope that none of you take this personally, as it is nobody’s fault, except for perhaps that one guy who did that really interesting thing the other day quite unexpectedly. I had not budgeted for giving a shit about that, and it left me with a serious deficit of give a shit all day long.

You may have noticed that we are currently in a recession, and are likely to see economic conditions continue to be as shitty as they have been at least through the rest of this fiscal quarter and into the next. That being the case, you would think the government would make it easier to give a shit by producing some cheap shit just like they are producing cheap money, but instead all they keep doing is giving us expensive shit, calling it free shit and making us pay through the nose for this shit. This is surprising, considering how much bullshit they produce in Washington every day.

We have tried importing some shit from China, but that shit is extremely low quality shit for what you get. The shit they have in Europe is severely overpriced, which helps explain why they are up shit creek without a paddle. This would also help explain why the Germans, who are single-handedly supporting the shitty European economy, always look constipated.

Lacking any sort of meaningful government support, I will be forced to attempt to turn to private solutions. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone else who gives a shit either, so I’m shit out of luck. There was a time when I couldn’t give this shit away, but that time is long past. I tried turning to the church in hopes of getting some holy shit, but that shit just didn’t fly. Turns out bears are not Catholic and the Pope does not in fact shit in the woods. I figured I could try the zoo, because they’re always shoveling the shit, but the shit they had wasn’t worth a shit; it was just the same shit, different day.

When I finally get my shit together, I’ll feel like king shit, and I assure you I won’t forget the rest of you – this shit will roll downhill. If you think you’re too old for this shit, tough shit. It’ll be time to shit or get off the pot. When the shit hits the fan you better be ready to go ape shit or you’re going to be in deep shit.

I shit you not.

 

Dating Advice from Scientists

Posted: July 3, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Marie CurieMarie Curie

Dear Madame Curie,

I desperately need the advice of a strong woman like you. I have a major crush on this guy at school, and I really want to tell him, but none of my friends like him. I’m also kind of a nerd, and he’s a football player, so I doubt he’d even be interested. Not to mention he probably doesn’t even know I exist. But I really do think he’s great. What should I do?

Signed,

Unclear in Love

Dear Radiant Love,

Here’s the thing: I can see right through all of your excuses. You’re scared, and that’s understandable. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if things don’t work out? What if your parents forbid you to see him? What if, what if, what if…? But you need to take risks for the things you want in this world. Is there a chance you could get hurt? Of course there is, but nothing worthwhile comes without a price. If you truly wish to achieve success in life, regardless of your pursuit, you must commit yourself completely. Only then will you attain the prize you seek.

 

 

Heisenberg_10Werner Heisenberg

Dear Dr. Heisenberg,

I have been dating the same girl for a couple months now, and I thought everything was going just fine. Then the other week she started talking marriage. It seemed totally out of the blue to me, but she acted like it was the most natural thing in the world! It’s not that I’m totally against the idea of getting married, but I’m not sure we’re ready for that conversation yet, you know? Which one of us is right?

Signed,

Uncertainly In Love

Dear Entangled Pair,

I understand your uncertainty, but you need to stand by your principles. You need to figure out where you are in this relationship before you decide how fast you want to move forward with it. While it may feel as if your partner is exerting an irresistible force on you, you need to remain positive and understand that you are not merely a neutral observer in this. You have to take charge and decide for yourself what you want, and then communicate that effectively. The release in tension you feel will be massive.

 

 

Albert Einstein

Albert_Einstein_Head

Dear Mr. Einstein sir,

My name is Jenny and I have a problem and I hope you can help me. I was going stedy with a boy at skool and I thout everything was fine and I really liked him and I thought he really liked me and then one day he really didn’t like me anymore and now Im very sad and I don’t know what to do.

Your Friend,

Jenny

Dear Fräulein,

Ach, the ways of love are more mysterious than the ways of the cosmos. It is easier to understand the structure of the universe than the structure of a man’s heart. Sadly, it has been my experience that emotions, much like matter and energy, can never truly be destroyed; they can only be changed from one to another. In this same way it seems as if this young man who once professed to have a deep Liebe for you has now seen it transformed in the crucible of time to its opposite. I can only offer you the solace of knowing that as strong as his passion is now so it was then, and if you can find the source of the change you may be able to turn him back if it is not too late and you are still interested in making the effort.

 

 

 

pythagoras_10Pythagoras

Dear Pythagoras,

I’ve gotten myself into a pickle and I can’t see a way out. There’s a girl I’ve been with for a couple years, and the truth is we only started dating because nobody else would have either one of us. At the time I was kind of chunky, and she’s… well, she’s kind of plain on a good day. She’s a good friend, and we enjoy a lot of the same things, but there’s no real spark. This summer I started working out a lot and I finally got into shape. I also started getting some real attention from other girls, including a girl I’ve had my eye on for a long time. Would it be wrong of me to break it off with the girl I’m dating to pursue the girl I really want? Does that make me shallow that I’m that concerned about the way she looks?

Signed,

Finally Buffed

Dear Muscular Mind,

I would theorize you have found yourself in a love triangle… without the love. It is a shame you do not feel eros for the lady you have, and the theia mania has been granted to you for one you have not, but the gods make fools of us all. Still, if philia is not enough to sustain you, and I have never seen it to be such in any man (and certainly not in a young man), it would be an unkindness bordering on cruelty to continue your current relationship regardless of whether your eye strays or if there are others who suddenly find you appealing. But before you sever the ties you have, consider carefully the value of what you are giving up. As you have changed, so may she; and what you once were you may be again. The alchemy of fitness may have worked wonders on a maiden’s eye, but it will do little to sway her heart, and you may find yourself twice alone and twice bereft before you know it.

Crazy Rich

Posted: May 15, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor, Musings | Tags: , | 1 Comment

One of my favorite conversation starters has always been to ask people what they would do if they were filthy rich, but excluding the boring stuff. Everybody says buy houses, cars, take care of family, whatever. I want to know about the crazy stuff people would do. What are the really wild, silly, or just plain idiotic things you would do if you had more money than sense?

Here’s my list.

First, I would have a mascot of myself designed. You know, the kind with the really big heads that they have at sporting events. It would look just like me, only bigger. Then I would pay someone to wear it and follow me around all day, trying to get people to cheer me on as I went about my daily routine. I might even hire a marching band to follow me around as well.

Does anyone else remember this commercial? I would do this. I would go to the nicest restaurant in Washington D.C. and I would totally do this. I would also treat the entire orchestra to dinner, because I’m that kind of guy.

I’d get a t-shirt cannon and launch t-shirts through the window of every Keynesian economist’s office that said “Sorry about breaking your window, but at least I’m stimulating the economy”.

I would have my own musical soundtrack, and it would be played by the group that would follow me everywhere. This group would, of course, be composed entirely of little people. Don’t ask me why.

I would offer to donate $1 to any politician’s re-election campaign for every foot of the highest skydive they do out of a moving airplane. There’s just one catch: their parachute would have to be packed by the poorest person they represent. Never let it be said I don’t have a sense of social justice.

I would donate $1,000,000 to the first Ivy League university that conferred an honorary doctorate on me. I’ve always wanted to be Doctor Bob. I’ve always wanted to bring down the tenor of the Ivy League even more.

I’d donate $5,000,000 to Oral Roberts University if they bestowed an honorary degree of divinity on me so I could be Reverend Bob. I would then turn around and donate $10,000,000 to the Anti-Defamation League and GLAD. Never let it be said I don’t have a vicious sense of humor.

Of course, the one I’m most famous for among friends and coworkers is Butter Bob.

Imagine, if you will, a statue of me (to help I’m about 5’9”, average middle aged Caucasian male) that’s 50 feet tall. Only this statue is carved entirely out of butter.

That’s Butter Bob.

My Not So Humble Wife wanted to be a part of it as well, so I decided she could have a macaroni statue that’s 49 ½ feet tall standing right next to mine, and we’ll have a statue of our dog carved out of Kraft powdered cheese mix next to it and a swimming pool of chilled milk next to that, so when Butter Bob inevitably melts and falls over it will create a grand cascade of mac and cheese goodness.

If anyone has their own fun ideas, please share!

Bonsall’s Laws

Posted: March 14, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor, Musings | Tags: , | Leave a comment

The following are a list of observations defining life.  Some are personal observations, while others are taken from outside sources.  Thus, you might recognize some.  Just because I didn’t notice it first doesn’t make it any less true.

 

  1. Hope was in Pandora’s box for a reason.
  2. No matter how good you think you are, there’s always someone faster, smarter, stronger and better.  Moral: Don’t get cocky.
  3. Lest thou tempt the Fates, keep thy big mouth shut.
  4. It’s good to want things.  It strengthens the soul.
  5. Anything is possible.  Probable is another matter entirely.
  6. Always expect the worst.  You’ll either be prepared or pleasantly surprised.
  7. There is no justice in the universe.  The best you can hope for is revenge.
  8. A bad habit, once acquired, can never be lost, only replaced.
  9. Bitterness is the wellspring of creativity.
  10. It is morally wrong to let a fool keep his money.
  11. And it harm none, cover thy own ass shall be the whole of the law.
  12. Always start your day with a smile.  Get it over with.
  13. If you never tried, you never failed.
  14. Be sure what you ask for is what you really want; you just might get it.
  15. There’s something to be said for ambiguity.
  16. The ease with which a man says “I love you” is inversely proportional to how much he means it.
  17. Violence is never the answer.  it does, however, give you time to think about the answer.
  18. Polite conversation is anything but.
  19. Always have a good publicist, but never believe your own hype.
  20. A person’s guilt in any given situation is inversely proportional to the speed with which they deny it.
  21. Platitudes to the contrary not withstanding, even a coward dies but once.
  22. If you can’t stop in time, smile as you go under.
  23. When in doubt, lie.  If you get caught, apologize.  Never admit to doing it.
  24. It is better to look good than to feel good, and it is far better to feel good than to be good.
  25. Every man has his good reasons.

Bob For Dictator

Posted: March 11, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Humor | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

With the recent passing of Hugo Chavez, I’ve given more thought to my lifelong ambition of being world dictator. After all, I’d have to start somewhere, and while everyone dreams of starting big you don’t become head of Microsoft overnight. You have to work your way up, maybe be CEO of a little start-up or troubled firm first, prove yourself, and then you can move on to take over an established property. So with this new opening in Venezuela, I figured this might be my chance to prove I can do it.

I feel my qualifications are right in line with what it takes to be a first-class dictator. I have a firm grasp of basic economics combined with a sufficiently callous disregard for my fellow man that prevents me from being swayed by anecdotal evidence. I’m willing to listen to others but I still know how to make my own decisions. Both my friends and my enemies have described me as charming, and I have no issue dealing with problems in a ruthlessly efficient manner. I’ve been a student of political philosophy for years, and I use Machiavelli’s The Prince as a guide to management. I also love puppies.

You might think my past writings could present a problem to being world dictator, particularly with their focus on classical liberalism and individual rights. On the contrary! There is a long and honored history in the DIY dictatorship movement of positioning oneself as a “man of the people”, and the longer I can maintain that image, the farther I’ll go. Hugo Chavez pulled it off to the day he died! The best way to burnish this image is to get the endorsement of some vapid pop culture icon who wants to enhance their credentials on the world stage; I’m thinking Justin Bieber.

There is of course the language barrier to consider since I don’t speak Spanish, but I don’t see this as a challenge but rather an opportunity. As soon as I take over I will simply change the national language to English, which will open up a world of trade opportunities. There might be some difficulties for the populace at first, but growth can often be hard. The long-term value, particularly for me, is self-evident.

For those who are concerned I would allow the power to go to my head, I promise to stay true to my core values of economic freedom and prosperity. I would immediately privatize all national companies so as to allow the free market to determine the best use of resources. In order to allow those resources to find the most interested owners, I would of course have to privatize them in my own name at first, and then sell them off to the highest bidders. I would then use the money generated to fund a lavish lifestyle for myself, providing a sterling example to the people of Venezuela and the world of the benefits of free-market capitalism.

The only thing I see holding me back from all of this is the one thing that has prevented me from assuming my rightful role as world dictator all along: my lack of ambition. When you get down to it, I just down have the drive and energy to run an entire country by myself, let alone the entire world. What I’m really interested in doing is letting a bunch of other people make the big decisions while I ride around in a cool car, wear some swanky clothes, and let the masses adore me. I’d make a few appearances every now and then, wave to the people, and make a speech once a week or so.

Come to think of it, is that Pope gig still open?

A Vote for Me is a Vote for America

Posted: October 22, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Early voting has begun, and so I have decided it’s time to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. I was considering explaining my positions on various key issues, but after studying my opponents’ campaigns in depth I realized that was the wrong strategy. Instead I have decided to emulate their approach and connect with you, the voters. I’m going to explain why you should vote for me, because I’m one of you.

If you’re young, hey, I was young once. I get you. If you’re old, I plan to be old someday. And if you’re somewhere in between, that’s where I’m at right now.

If you’re a man, what a coincidence! So am I. And if you’re a woman, hey, let’s hear it for the X chromosome! You’ve got one, I’ve got one, you’ve got another one. It’s like we’re half-sisters!

If you’re poor, I’ve been there. I know what it’s like. If you’re rich, I want to know what it’s like. And if you’re in the middle class, I probably live next door to you.

For the white people out there, nothing to worry about, I’m as white as Mitt Romney. And if you’re a minority, I spent a whole half-hour in Southeast D.C. once, so I can relate.

If you’re a college graduate, I’ve been to college. If you’re not a college graduate, neither am I! I’m the middle of the road candidate America has been crying out for.

Hablo español.

If there’s a cause you support, let me assure you that there’s twelve months and 365 days in a year. Depending on the number of votes you can deliver, I can hook you up with an Awareness Month or a federal holiday. Trust me, I’m good for it.

I have voted Republican, Democrat, and Libertarian. No matter what you are for or against, I am both for and against it.

I believe in the same God you do, which is to say I worship the Almighty Dollar.

I’ve been crushed by student debt, I’ve been crushed by credit card debt, and I was crushed when Bella chose Edward over Jacob.

I will never pander for your vote unless you want me to.

I promise to cut taxes, cut the deficit, save Social Security, and save you a bunch of money on your car insurance.

I vow I will not bail out Wall Street, I will bail out Main Street, and I always buy American.

I am The Boy Who Lived.

I believe in climate change, and I’m all for it.

I support the right for any loving couple, no matter their gender, to get a divorce.

I believe America needs to get back to work, and America works best when we all pull together towards a common goal. That’s why I’m asking you, my fellow Americans, to work to support me in my campaign to be President of the United States.

Thank you, and Almighty Dollar bless.

Dating Advice From Historical Figures

Posted: October 1, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Dating, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Karl Marx

Karl Marx

Karl Marx would be happy to know this picture is in the public domain, giving according to its abilities, taking according to its needs.

Dear Karl Marx,

I have a question about blind dates. I haven’t been on the dating scene in a long time, and I’m not sure how to handle things. I’ve heard that the guy is supposed to pay for dinner, but I’m still struggling to get out from under some pretty horrendous student loans, and I can’t afford to be taking out a lot of girls I don’t even know, especially if things end up going nowhere. On the other hand, I don’t want to look cheap. What’s a guy to do?

Signed,

Struggling in the New Economy

Dear Laborer,

It is truly disheartening to hear that even in this day and age the forms of capital are being used as a symbol of control in relationships rather than existing as a means to advance a fellowship of well-being and understanding. Ah, well; such is the way of the world until society is changed. In the meantime, I would advise you to reach out to those of your contemporaries who are of a similar understanding, building those relationships that you can gradually and with time, rather than with displays of bourgeois largesse. Perhaps meet her for a cup of coffee and discuss common interests so you can get to know her as a person; if she truly is a part of the struggle of the proletariat, she won’t mind going dutch.

Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson

We hold this truth to be self-evident: that this picture is in the public domain.

Dear Thomas Jefferson,

I’ve got a serious problem and I’ pretty sure only you can help. I was at a party a few weeks ago, I got kind of drunk, and I ended up hooking up with this girl. Thing is, she wasn’t my girlfriend. I feel awful about it, but I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told my girlfriend about it, and I’m wondering if I should. I really love her, and I think she’d forgive me, but would it be right?

Signed,

Too Much Southern Comfort

Dear Southern Man,

When you choose to overindulge in spirits, there is a race to determine whether you run out of wisdom or honor first; the only certainty, as you have found, is that you will lose. In this instance, your impulse to unburden your conscience to your long-suffering significant other is not one born out of compassion, but rather one of guilt and further self-indulgence. The only course of action open to you at this point is to bear the knowledge of your misdeeds alone; keep your own counsel on this matter of impropriety, and let history be your judge.

Sigmund Freud

Sigmund Freud

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but this photo is always in the public domain.

Dear Sigmund Freud,

I’ve been with this girl for a while now, and things are getting pretty serious. I’m starting to think she might be The One. But how do you tell? I mean, I’m talking about making a commitment for the rest of my life. How can you be sure about something like that?

Signed,

Ready to Make the Leap

Dear Superego,

It is understandable that you are hesitant about such a major life change, and decisions of such gravity bring a great deal of internal strife to everyone. Before settling on a course of action, explore your motivations; consider what might be driving you to take your relationship to this new and deeper level. Is it this girl in particular that makes you feel ready for a lifelong commitment, or are you simply responding to a suppressed need yet unfulfilled? While you’re at it, take a good look at her mother, because that’s what you’ll be married to in twenty years.

Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln

Public domain.

Dear Abraham Lincoln,

I’ve been married for a few months now, and I’m worried our life has gotten to be kind of routine. I want to mix things up a little bit, try to get “out of the rut”, but I’m not sure how. Do you have any suggestions of some fun, adventurous things we can do together?

Signed,

Looking for Adventure

Dear Citizen of the Republic,

While I certainly respect and admire your desire to preserve the union you have with your wife, I wonder if you have given full thought to the many options available to you. While the drive for glory may seem attractive now, it soon pales before the simpler pleasures of hearth and home. May I suggest instead a special night in? Cook your new wife dinner; make some light conversation; perhaps a game of charades. Going out on the town is overrated.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Napoleon Bonaparte

Public domain.

Dear Mr. Napolean,

I had this guy I really liked and I thought he liked me to and I had a friend who was supposed to ask him if he liked me so I could find out if he liked me like I liked him but instead she asked him if he liked her and now they’re going together and I’m sad. Even worse all my other freinds arent talking to me because I said she was a poopyhead. What should I do?

Your firend,

Jenny

Dear Mademoiselle Jennifer,

I also understand the pain of betrayal; to feel as if you are the emperor of the world one moment and a mere exile from all that you know the next. But fear not! With sufficient effort and planning, you can stage a coup d’etat against those who rule your current circumstances, and once again take your rightful place in your social circle. Make use of what you know about those who stand against you, and do not hesitate to spread their most shameful secrets to the world. Press your advantage ruthlessly, and crush them utterly. Do not forget that this is war; you do this not out of revenge, but to teach a lesson to others who might be tempted to stand against you, and to prevent further battle in the days to come.

Confucius

Confucius

A true gentleman would know this is in the public domain.

Dear Confucius,

There’s a girl I go to college with that I’d really like to get to know better. We take a few classes together, but I haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask her out yet. I’m not sure if she’d be interested in me, and I’d be devastated if she turned me down. Should I go for it, or should I just try to stay friends?

Signed,

Pining Away

Dear Junzi,

It is well that you are in college, for the pursuit of knowledge is in itself a part of the path of virtue. It is however only one part; self-knowledge, the cultivation of virtue, and filial duty also play their roles. If you are a true gentleman, what woman would refuse you? You say you have classes in common; surely that is something you can use as a place to start a meaningful interaction. Failing that, try taking her father out for a round of golf.

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