The Soundtrack of My Life: Six Songs
Posted: May 26, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Musings, Soundtrack of My Life | Tags: Life in 6 Songs, Running on Sober, Soundtrack of My Life 4 CommentsAs some of you may have noticed, music defines my life for me. Over at Running on Sober they took that concept to a whole new level with her “Life in 6 Songs” series, which is a little slice of awesome. I’m one of the featured guests over there this week, but I highly recommend checking out the whole series. You’ll get some great stories and some great music. Thanks for having me!
*Note to friends and family: this one gets a little raw. You have been warned.
My Not So Humble Anniversary
Posted: May 19, 2014 Filed under: MNSHW | Tags: anniversary, Happy anniversary, MNSHW, pivotal moments, wedding 6 CommentsIn the history of mankind, there have been certain events that have stood out as pivotal moments:
- The discovery of fire.
- The fall of the Roman Empire.
- The signing of the Declaration of Independence.
- The cessation of hostilities at the end of WWII.
All of these pale in comparison to the day she said “I do”.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Instant Excuse Generator
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: culture, excuses, humor, work Leave a commentAfter the long, hard winter we had, it’s nice to finally get some good weather. So nice, in fact, that it would be a shame to have to spend the whole day inside slaving away for The Man. We here at My Not So Humble Opinion understand your pain, and to help you out, we have created our patent-pending Instant Excuse Generator™.
Just select (or randomly choose!) one option from each list, and string together an excuse that any boss will buy! We guarantee that if you tell them one of these whoppers, not only will you not have to come in today, chances are good you’ll never have to worry about coming in ever again.
I was…
- Accosted
- Assaulted
- Impregnated
- Interrogated
- Confused
- Harassed
- Tickled
- Investigated
- Detained
- Mislead
- Mugged
- Teased
- Yelled at
By…
- Police
- Soldiers
- The NSA
- Circus folk
- Homeless people
- Illegal aliens
- Missionaries
- Elvis impersonators
- Intergalactic aliens
- A sympathetic Jesus-like figure
- Milli Vanilli
- An international conglomerate of discount grocery store owners
- Godzilla
As a result, I am…
- Terrified
- Injured
- Befuddled
- Delighted
- Pregnant
- Under arrest
- Being punished
- Mutating
- Signing up for their newsletter
- Their new leader
- Joining the Hair Club for Men
As such, I will not be able to come in to work today, because I will be busy…
- Filing a police report
- Fleeing for my life
- Ruling over my kingdom with an iron fist
- Making peace in the Middle East
- Suing for damages
- Doing something unspeakable
- Bathing in the warm, sweet glow of radiation
- Writing a best-seller about the experience
My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius
Posted: May 8, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: education, humor, public schools, Real Men of Genius, satire, Teacher Appreciation Week, teachers Leave a commentMy Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius
♫♪♫ (Real Men and Women of Genius.) ♫♪♫
Today we salute you, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher.
♫♪♫(Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!)♫♪♫
Only you would choose to get a Master’s degree so you can go back to school… making minimum wage.
♫♪♫ (Sounds like a crappy deal!) ♫♪♫
Others might work for money or a cause, but you work for eighty screaming kids and their batshit crazy parents.
♫♪♫ (Not another email!) ♫♪♫
Sure, we talk a good game about the children being the future, but we’re still going to vote down every tax hike for education, and you soldier on anyway.
♫♪♫ (Not getting a raise!) ♫♪♫
So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher. Because at least summer is right around the corner.
♫♪♫ (Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!) ♫♪♫
Love is in the Air
Posted: May 5, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: humor, love, poetry, satire 2 CommentsSpring has at last sprung, and as the great cycle continues, so does a person’s fancy turn at this time of year to thoughts of love. But not everyone expresses that fancy in the same way. Let’s pause for a moment and consider how different folks might express themselves using a classic formula.
Atheist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
That has nothing to do with God, because He doesn’t exist.
Feminist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Infantilizing love poetry is a sign of the Patriarchy.
Surrealist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Green fish toaster.
Dog
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I already peed on them, are you gonna eat that?
Cat
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Who cares? Worship me.
Teacher
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Stop running in the halls and keep your hands to yourself.
Jewish Mother
Roses are red, violets are blue,
When are you going to come visit? And what, I don’t even get a phone call?
Engineer
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Redundancy is good, and violets are blue.
Anarcho-Capitalist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
You can have as many of each as you like for the right price.
Communist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I take them from the rich and give them to you.
Right Wing Radio Host
Roses are red, violets are blue,
We’d have more flowers if it weren’t for government regulations stifling American innovation; I personally blame Barrack HUSSEIN Obama and his kleptocratic cronies who insist on bleeding average Americans dry so they can support their bloated bureaucracy rather than let the free market decide what the people ACTUALLY want, unless of course that something happens to clash with my own personal morals and beliefs.
Left Wing Radio Host
Roses are red, violets are blue,
You’re listening to NPR.
Virginia Driving Test
Posted: May 2, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: comedy, driving, humor, Northern Virginia, Virginia 5 CommentsHere at MNSHO, we have managed to obtain an advance copy of the recently updated Virginia written driver’s license test. I hate to say it, but this explains a lot.
Form VA-DMV-T-2014
Driver’s Licensure Test – Updated 2014
Please answer each of the following questions by circling the letter of the answer you believe to be correct. Please select only one answer for each question.
The left lane is…
a) For passing
b) Next to the right lane
c) The lane I drive in when I feel like going slow and pissing people off
Turn signals should be used…
a) To signal a turn
b) To signal a lane change
c) Intermittently and at random
Precipitation means you should…
a) Drive more carefully
b) Slow down
c) Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here
Pedestrians are…
a) Equally entitled to use the roads
b) Subject to the same rules of the road as vehicles
c) Speed bumps
Speed limits are…
a) Mandatory
b) For our safety
c) A joke
The horn should be used to signal other drivers…
a) Of an emergency
b) Of a dangerous situation
c) That they’re triggering your homicidal tendencies
The shoulder should be used for…
a) Emergencies
b) Letting emergency vehicles pass
c) Getting around slower traffic
When an emergency vehicle is approaching, you should…
a) Pull over and let it pass
b) Take careful stock of your surroundings and make room in the least disruptive means available
c) Get behind it and use it to get through traffic faster
When there is an accident on the side of the road, you should…
a) Proceed normally
b) Drive cautiously to avoid hurting emergency personnel
c) Slow down to a crawl and gawk
Merging…
a) Is a normal part of the driving experience
b) Should be done with care
c) Is for suckers
Answer key:
It doesn’t matter what they answered. As long as they didn’t smear feces on the paper, give them a driver’s license.
Headlines from the Future
Posted: May 1, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics | Tags: David Koch, Hall of Dinosaurs, humor, Koch Brothers, Museum of Natural History, politics, Smithsonian Leave a commentIn case you haven’t heard, David Koch “is donating a record $35 million to the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History”. The Hall of Dinosaurs will be closed for seven years for renovations.
Here are my predictions for headlines seven years from now:
From the right: “Patriot David Koch Saves Smithsonian Museum From Corrupt and Incompetent Federal Government”
From the left: “Koch Brothers Attempt to Buy Smithsonian Museum; ‘Hall of Dinosaurs’ Renamed ‘Koch Brothers Explain How God Created Oil’ “
I Think She’s Turning Japanese, I Really Think So
Posted: April 25, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Musings | Tags: Avril Lavigne, Hello Kitty, Japan, music, racism Leave a commentThe latest kerfuffle to hit the net seems to be about Avril Lavigne and her new video “Hello Kitty”, and I can totally understand why. I mean seriously, did you see that hair? It’s like she went from punk rock to pop rocks!
Wait, I’m getting some new information in. Looks like the problem has nothing to do with her hair (except for some snarky comments from people who have no substantive criticism to offer) but rather that the whole thing is blatantly, screamingly racist and Avril should be ashamed of herself.
What? I sat through the whole video (admittedly on mute – I’m not a strong man), and despite thinking that Rainbow Brite threw up on her I didn’t see anything to particularly take issue with. So what’s the deal?
Here’s the thing: Americans, and particularly white Americans, are very sensitive and determined to take offense, especially if they can do so on behalf of someone else (it’s the new white person’s burden). The irony of course is that those most likely to try to police others in their actions are, as always, the least likely to bother actually getting more than a superficial understanding of the people and cultures they are trying to “protect” and “stand up for” (see how this sort of language subtly diminishes and disempowers those other cultures? Nah, neither do I.) So if someone is actually paying tribute or homage to that other culture or, god forbid, accurately reflecting it but doesn’t match the preconceived notions these folks have of what someone of that culture should look like (particularly their skin color, gender, features, etc.) then they are being racist.
Did you catch that? If you don’t look how we say you are supposed to look and you aren’t doing what we expect you to do, you’re the one who is being racist. Interesting turnabout there. And all in the name of “protecting” people from… what exactly? Damaging the culture? How exactly is Avril Levine or Miley Cyrus (to name another famous singer recently accused of “appropriation”) damaging the culture by trying to partake of it? (Okay, I wouldn’t want to be associated with Miley either, but still.) It’s not like anyone believes they invented it, nor are they claiming to have done so.
To those who would suggest that these cultural artifacts “belong” to one group or another exclusively, I say with all the eloquence I can muster: horseshit. Culture is a human artifact to be shared, manipulated, adapted, adopted, and remixed by other humans so that we can all grow and benefit from it. What would happen if white people tried to say, “Hey, we invented golf, it’s part of our culture and you can’t have it”? Oh wait, they did, and two things happened. First they got sued, and second Tiger Woods came in and made them all look like idiots.
I’ve “been” a lot of things in my life: preppy, nerd, punk, nerd, goth, nerd (seeing a theme here?), grunge kid, and Average White Guy™. Most all of those have been amalgamations of various different cultural influences, and none of them would exist if purists such as these had their way. Maybe instead of trying so hard to police the behavior of others, they should spend some time working on themselves.
…and the Army Way
Posted: April 24, 2014 Filed under: Musings, Politics | Tags: hairstyles, racial issues, regulations, U.S. Army Leave a commentFolks of a certain age or background will all be familiar with a certain phrase: “There are three ways to do things – the right way, the wrong way, and the Army way.” This reflects the fact that the armed forces have their own specific rules and regulations for every situation, and deviation is simply not allowed. This is intended to reinforce unity and cohesion, but is well known for creating localized situations that are the exact opposite (and gave birth to the also well known “snafu”; if you’re not familiar with that one look it up, I’ll wait).
The reason I bring this up is because of the Army’s new regulations on dress and appearance. According to a recent report on NPR, these regulations “clamp down on tattoos, mohawks, long fingernails, [and] dental ornamentation.”
The report also notes that “[t]he Army is also banning some hairstyles popular among African-American women. The stated goal here is professionalism, but some soldiers and even members of the Congressional Black Caucus are upset, and they are urging the Obama administration to take a second look at the rules.”
Before I go off on a rant about this, let’s take a look at each sides arguments as expressed in the report, and let me also note that I have done no deep investigation of this issue, simply listened to this one report and am offering a completely and (clearly) uninformed opinion. Also I am sure I will be receiving more than a few comments regarding a white man weighing in on matters of African American female hairstyles, so I would like to go on the record as stating that I will completely ignore any such racist and sexist attacks.
So what is the argument against these regulations? According to Lori Tharps, who teaches journalism at Temple University and co-wrote “”Hair Story: Untangling the Roots of Black Hair in America”, the issues are essentially that “the policy itself does not take into consideration the history and culture, as well as the simple, you know, biological makeup of black hair and what it requires. They have effectively deemed inappropriate some of the most effective and popular hairstyles that many of these women wear.”
Have to say, straight out the gate I’m less than impressed. Most of these arguments seem at best irrelevant and at worst hyperbolically pointless. To the best of my knowledge, the Army doesn’t take into account anyone’s history or culture, outside of the bare minimum for religious observation, when making regulations. That’s kind of the point. Everyone is supposed to be brutally equal, as close as possible, both for fairness and unit cohesion. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they just stopped using the terms “mick” and “hymie” just last week. The issue of biological makeup is relevant and salient, and worth exploring in more depth, however.
Unfortunately(and this may be the fault of the restricted medium of the radio interview) it seems that the question of biology only comes in as a matter of convenience. For example, when discussing the new regulations regarding corn rows, Ms. Tharps states that:
I think the problem is it takes a little more technique and talent to produce really neat, tight corn rows as described here, whereas almost anybody could make the same kind of look with a two-strand twist. Most black women really understand what those subtle differences are.
I mean, some of the styles they’re suggesting aren’t efficient at all, for example, doing corn rows is very time consuming. Weaves and wigs are extremely expensive and this two-styles that they outright ban, dreadlocks and twists, are the most efficient and economical styles that a black woman with natural hair can wear. And again, we go back to that idea of uniformity. That is kind of both the burden and the blessing of black hair in the United States of America.
Aaaand again I take issue. I personally have very curly hair (see above. Now imagine that all over my head.) Other guys I know have very straight hair. Believe it or not, a high and tight looks like crap on me, but it’s regulation. A cue ball doesn’t look a lot better, but it’s regulation. I’m not suggesting I have the same issues as an African American woman might, but again, this isn’t about convenience, it’s about whether or not the regulations can be met without being an undue burden. Joining the Army comes at significant costs, and personal expression is one of them.
Finally there’s the issue of the words the Army has used to describe the banned hairstyles, specifically “words like unkempt [and] matted”. Ms. Tharps describes these as “culturally insensitive words” due to the “backstory of black people and their relationship with their hair in this country”. Having not read the regulations I don’t know if they only and specifically address the hairstyles most common to African Americans or if they are referring to my beloved mohawk as well, but again this seems a case of “the Army way”. Even Ms. Thaps admits “at the end of the day, you cannot say that they are racist”, and this seems to me a case of oversensitivity and taking offense where none is intended or justified. But honestly? If this were the entirety of the issue I’d say just change the wording and be done with it. It’s not important to the core issue for the Army, and it is important to the people it affects.
And speaking of the Army, let’s take a look at their reply. According to Renee Montagne, “We reached an Army spokeswoman for comment. She pointed out the regulations apply to all female soldiers regardless of race.” Well la-de-da. That’s the moral equivalent of saying they’ve established a regulation tampon for use by all soldiers, regardless of gender. I wanted to take the Army’s side, if for no other reason than because I saw little to no merit in the opposition’s case, but this? This is a case of being your own worst enemy. Which is, after all, the Army way.


