Bobapalooza 2014: Clash of the Titans!
Posted: June 2, 2014 Filed under: Bobapalooza, Culture, Internet | Tags: Bobapalooza, culture, festival, music Leave a commentThe time has come at last for the next installment of the greatest music festival that never was: Bobapalooza 2014! This year we’re taking it to a whole new level. It’s not just legendary; it’s TITANIC.
So here’s the deal: I’ve been sharing my musical past with all of you for a while now, and it’s time to broaden my horizons. I’m looking for new music, and I’m hoping you, yes, YOU will provide it. Specifically, I’m giving ANYONE the chance to get me to listen to the music you love.
Here’s how it works: imagine you’ve heard about a music festival coming to town, and on the list of bands is THE band. The one that makes you say, “I don’t care what the ticket price is, I will sell my own children if I have to, I MUST BE THERE.” Any band, any era, living or dead, still together or not. Pick your favorite song and post it to the Facebook event page for Bobapalooza 2014.
But wait, there’s more! Some of you may remember the Stage of Legends from past Bobapaloozas (2011, 2012, 2013). It’s back once again, and there are five brand-spanking new Legend spots up for grabs! That’s right, not only can you nominate your favorite garage band for the main stage, you can nominate your favorite garage band to be a Bobapalooza Legend!
BUT WE’RE NOT STOPPING THERE. Even among the Legends, there are a rare few who have changed the face of music as we know it. They’re not just Legends, they’re Titans. And this time, they’re going to go head to head to see who is the one true greatest music act of all time, to secure the honor of headlining this year’s Bobapalooza! What’s more, you nominated them, so YOU decide who wins!
Now the rules:
MAIN STAGE
1. You have to pick a band you would sit through the entire set. Not “I love this song!” I want “I love this band!”
2. Yes, you can post as many as you like, but really, how many bands are THAT good?
3. If you intend to post more than one, please don’t spam the feed (more than 10 bands a day from one person is a bit much. I do have a life. And see 1 & 2.)
4. If you post it I will listen to it, so please, be gentle.
5. Please note that this is a Main Stage entry.
6. Any band that made it to the show in 2011, 2012, or 2013 (main stage or Stage of Legends) will not be considered for the main stage this year.
STAGE OF LEGENDS
1. All of the rules for Main Stage apply, only even more. I mean, think about 1 & 2 especially. These guys are supposed to be LEGENDS.
2. Testify! Tell me (and the world!) why you think this band deserves to be named a Legend. For an idea of the sort of thing I have in mind look at the write up from Bobapaloozas Past.
3. Any band that made it to the Stage of Legends in 2011, 2012, or 2013 will not be considered this year, however Main Stage acts may still be nominated.
4. Just as Master Yoda told us, “Do, or do not; there is no try.” Once a band has been nominated for the Stage of Legends, they are no longer in the running for the main stage. The whole point of the SoL is to give a fair shot to lesser known bands. If you think your favorite band has what it takes to compete with the big boys, put ‘em in, but don’t hedge your bets. Go big or stay home.
ALL NEW! CLASH OF THE TITANS
1. The match-ups were determined by hacking into the NCAA’s computers and using the same secret algorithms they use for ranking college sports teams. (My lawyer insisted I add the following discalimer: This is a total lie, but it sounds a lot cooler than the truth, so go with me on this one.)
2. Vote by visiting http://tinyurl.com/lwm79nw.
3. The polls open June 2nd (that’s today!). Each round will last for three days, with a day break in between to update the results.
4. Visit http://tinyurl.com/ktevstr to see the current state of the contest at any time!
5. Just like high school, this is a popularity contest, so vote early and vote often!
Starting June 18 I will decide who the winners are, and I will post my fifteen favorite bands for the main stage and the five act Stage of Legends, as well as The Titan of Bobapalooza 2014 by June 25 (Flying Spaghetti Monster willing). I will also give credit to the first person who suggested them, so get in early for your shot at fame!
If you still have questions, please feel free to comment on this blog post or on the Facebook event page. Insightful questions will receive careful, well-thought out answers. Off-hand questions will get off-hand answers. Questions that prove you didn’t bother to read everything I already wrote will be met with shame and ridicule, not necessarily in that order.
For those about to rock: we salute you!
The Soundtrack of My Life: Six Songs
Posted: May 26, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Musings, Soundtrack of My Life | Tags: Life in 6 Songs, Running on Sober, Soundtrack of My Life 4 CommentsAs some of you may have noticed, music defines my life for me. Over at Running on Sober they took that concept to a whole new level with her “Life in 6 Songs” series, which is a little slice of awesome. I’m one of the featured guests over there this week, but I highly recommend checking out the whole series. You’ll get some great stories and some great music. Thanks for having me!
*Note to friends and family: this one gets a little raw. You have been warned.
Instant Excuse Generator
Posted: May 12, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: culture, excuses, humor, work Leave a commentAfter the long, hard winter we had, it’s nice to finally get some good weather. So nice, in fact, that it would be a shame to have to spend the whole day inside slaving away for The Man. We here at My Not So Humble Opinion understand your pain, and to help you out, we have created our patent-pending Instant Excuse Generator™.
Just select (or randomly choose!) one option from each list, and string together an excuse that any boss will buy! We guarantee that if you tell them one of these whoppers, not only will you not have to come in today, chances are good you’ll never have to worry about coming in ever again.
I was…
- Accosted
- Assaulted
- Impregnated
- Interrogated
- Confused
- Harassed
- Tickled
- Investigated
- Detained
- Mislead
- Mugged
- Teased
- Yelled at
By…
- Police
- Soldiers
- The NSA
- Circus folk
- Homeless people
- Illegal aliens
- Missionaries
- Elvis impersonators
- Intergalactic aliens
- A sympathetic Jesus-like figure
- Milli Vanilli
- An international conglomerate of discount grocery store owners
- Godzilla
As a result, I am…
- Terrified
- Injured
- Befuddled
- Delighted
- Pregnant
- Under arrest
- Being punished
- Mutating
- Signing up for their newsletter
- Their new leader
- Joining the Hair Club for Men
As such, I will not be able to come in to work today, because I will be busy…
- Filing a police report
- Fleeing for my life
- Ruling over my kingdom with an iron fist
- Making peace in the Middle East
- Suing for damages
- Doing something unspeakable
- Bathing in the warm, sweet glow of radiation
- Writing a best-seller about the experience
My Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius
Posted: May 8, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: education, humor, public schools, Real Men of Genius, satire, Teacher Appreciation Week, teachers Leave a commentMy Not So Humble Opinion Presents: Real Men and Women of Genius
♫♪♫ (Real Men and Women of Genius.) ♫♪♫
Today we salute you, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher.
♫♪♫(Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!)♫♪♫
Only you would choose to get a Master’s degree so you can go back to school… making minimum wage.
♫♪♫ (Sounds like a crappy deal!) ♫♪♫
Others might work for money or a cause, but you work for eighty screaming kids and their batshit crazy parents.
♫♪♫ (Not another email!) ♫♪♫
Sure, we talk a good game about the children being the future, but we’re still going to vote down every tax hike for education, and you soldier on anyway.
♫♪♫ (Not getting a raise!) ♫♪♫
So crack open an ice cold beverage, Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher. Because at least summer is right around the corner.
♫♪♫ (Mr. and Ms. Public School Teacher!) ♫♪♫
Love is in the Air
Posted: May 5, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Satire | Tags: humor, love, poetry, satire 2 CommentsSpring has at last sprung, and as the great cycle continues, so does a person’s fancy turn at this time of year to thoughts of love. But not everyone expresses that fancy in the same way. Let’s pause for a moment and consider how different folks might express themselves using a classic formula.
Atheist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
That has nothing to do with God, because He doesn’t exist.
Feminist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Infantilizing love poetry is a sign of the Patriarchy.
Surrealist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Green fish toaster.
Dog
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I already peed on them, are you gonna eat that?
Cat
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Who cares? Worship me.
Teacher
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Stop running in the halls and keep your hands to yourself.
Jewish Mother
Roses are red, violets are blue,
When are you going to come visit? And what, I don’t even get a phone call?
Engineer
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Redundancy is good, and violets are blue.
Anarcho-Capitalist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
You can have as many of each as you like for the right price.
Communist
Roses are red, violets are blue,
I take them from the rich and give them to you.
Right Wing Radio Host
Roses are red, violets are blue,
We’d have more flowers if it weren’t for government regulations stifling American innovation; I personally blame Barrack HUSSEIN Obama and his kleptocratic cronies who insist on bleeding average Americans dry so they can support their bloated bureaucracy rather than let the free market decide what the people ACTUALLY want, unless of course that something happens to clash with my own personal morals and beliefs.
Left Wing Radio Host
Roses are red, violets are blue,
You’re listening to NPR.
Virginia Driving Test
Posted: May 2, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: comedy, driving, humor, Northern Virginia, Virginia 5 CommentsHere at MNSHO, we have managed to obtain an advance copy of the recently updated Virginia written driver’s license test. I hate to say it, but this explains a lot.
Form VA-DMV-T-2014
Driver’s Licensure Test – Updated 2014
Please answer each of the following questions by circling the letter of the answer you believe to be correct. Please select only one answer for each question.
The left lane is…
a) For passing
b) Next to the right lane
c) The lane I drive in when I feel like going slow and pissing people off
Turn signals should be used…
a) To signal a turn
b) To signal a lane change
c) Intermittently and at random
Precipitation means you should…
a) Drive more carefully
b) Slow down
c) Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here
Pedestrians are…
a) Equally entitled to use the roads
b) Subject to the same rules of the road as vehicles
c) Speed bumps
Speed limits are…
a) Mandatory
b) For our safety
c) A joke
The horn should be used to signal other drivers…
a) Of an emergency
b) Of a dangerous situation
c) That they’re triggering your homicidal tendencies
The shoulder should be used for…
a) Emergencies
b) Letting emergency vehicles pass
c) Getting around slower traffic
When an emergency vehicle is approaching, you should…
a) Pull over and let it pass
b) Take careful stock of your surroundings and make room in the least disruptive means available
c) Get behind it and use it to get through traffic faster
When there is an accident on the side of the road, you should…
a) Proceed normally
b) Drive cautiously to avoid hurting emergency personnel
c) Slow down to a crawl and gawk
Merging…
a) Is a normal part of the driving experience
b) Should be done with care
c) Is for suckers
Answer key:
It doesn’t matter what they answered. As long as they didn’t smear feces on the paper, give them a driver’s license.
Headlines from the Future
Posted: May 1, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor, Politics | Tags: David Koch, Hall of Dinosaurs, humor, Koch Brothers, Museum of Natural History, politics, Smithsonian Leave a commentIn case you haven’t heard, David Koch “is donating a record $35 million to the Smithsonian’s National Museum of Natural History”. The Hall of Dinosaurs will be closed for seven years for renovations.
Here are my predictions for headlines seven years from now:
From the right: “Patriot David Koch Saves Smithsonian Museum From Corrupt and Incompetent Federal Government”
From the left: “Koch Brothers Attempt to Buy Smithsonian Museum; ‘Hall of Dinosaurs’ Renamed ‘Koch Brothers Explain How God Created Oil’ “
I Think She’s Turning Japanese, I Really Think So
Posted: April 25, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Musings | Tags: Avril Lavigne, Hello Kitty, Japan, music, racism Leave a commentThe latest kerfuffle to hit the net seems to be about Avril Lavigne and her new video “Hello Kitty”, and I can totally understand why. I mean seriously, did you see that hair? It’s like she went from punk rock to pop rocks!
Wait, I’m getting some new information in. Looks like the problem has nothing to do with her hair (except for some snarky comments from people who have no substantive criticism to offer) but rather that the whole thing is blatantly, screamingly racist and Avril should be ashamed of herself.
What? I sat through the whole video (admittedly on mute – I’m not a strong man), and despite thinking that Rainbow Brite threw up on her I didn’t see anything to particularly take issue with. So what’s the deal?
Here’s the thing: Americans, and particularly white Americans, are very sensitive and determined to take offense, especially if they can do so on behalf of someone else (it’s the new white person’s burden). The irony of course is that those most likely to try to police others in their actions are, as always, the least likely to bother actually getting more than a superficial understanding of the people and cultures they are trying to “protect” and “stand up for” (see how this sort of language subtly diminishes and disempowers those other cultures? Nah, neither do I.) So if someone is actually paying tribute or homage to that other culture or, god forbid, accurately reflecting it but doesn’t match the preconceived notions these folks have of what someone of that culture should look like (particularly their skin color, gender, features, etc.) then they are being racist.
Did you catch that? If you don’t look how we say you are supposed to look and you aren’t doing what we expect you to do, you’re the one who is being racist. Interesting turnabout there. And all in the name of “protecting” people from… what exactly? Damaging the culture? How exactly is Avril Levine or Miley Cyrus (to name another famous singer recently accused of “appropriation”) damaging the culture by trying to partake of it? (Okay, I wouldn’t want to be associated with Miley either, but still.) It’s not like anyone believes they invented it, nor are they claiming to have done so.
To those who would suggest that these cultural artifacts “belong” to one group or another exclusively, I say with all the eloquence I can muster: horseshit. Culture is a human artifact to be shared, manipulated, adapted, adopted, and remixed by other humans so that we can all grow and benefit from it. What would happen if white people tried to say, “Hey, we invented golf, it’s part of our culture and you can’t have it”? Oh wait, they did, and two things happened. First they got sued, and second Tiger Woods came in and made them all look like idiots.
I’ve “been” a lot of things in my life: preppy, nerd, punk, nerd, goth, nerd (seeing a theme here?), grunge kid, and Average White Guy™. Most all of those have been amalgamations of various different cultural influences, and none of them would exist if purists such as these had their way. Maybe instead of trying so hard to police the behavior of others, they should spend some time working on themselves.
The Forbidden Hair Style
Posted: April 4, 2014 Filed under: Culture, Humor | Tags: fro, hairstyle, humor, mullet 4 CommentsDuring the Nineties, I had a very specific hairstyle. It’s not very hard to describe, except for the fact that it’s hard to admit to.
Here’s the truth of it: I have naturally curly hair. Oh sure, you think this is a good thing. I’ve had many a woman tell me she’d love to have my hair. But at that time the fashion among men was to have long hair, and if I tried to grow my hair long it basically came in as a ‘fro. The alternative was something even more ghastly, although at the time I didn’t realize it… a mullet.
I’m thinking of the children.
I didn’t really understand at the time what the big deal was, although at least a few of my friends tried to give me subtle hints, usually things along the lines of “hey Bob, you may want to get a haircut”, or “dude, you have a mullet, please shave it off before we have to kill you in the name of good taste.” Had they been a little more direct I might have been spared the indignity.
The worst part of it all was that I had role models to look up to in Hollywood who made it look good. I mean sure, they had feathered hair instead of curly hair, but other than that? Totally making it work.
What’s that you say? Name one? Okay. Patrick Swayze.
That’s right, star of such great films as Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Roadhouse… um…
Okay, I got nothing.
The point is it seemed like a good idea at the time. Besides, what was my alternative, try to look like Kurt Cobaine?
But this isn’t about justifying. This is about owning the past and learning from it, as well as helping others to avoid my mistakes. And the first step to doing that is to name my mistakes. That’s where you come in.
I’ve always preferred the term “frullet” to describe the hairstyle I had, as a noxious portmanteau of “fro” and “mullet”. A friend suggested that didn’t quite encompass the magnitude of my mistake, and instead suggested “mulleto”. Personally I think that sounds like a coffee drink you would get at Starbucks. So I throw it open to you: what would you call it?
. And be sure to leave a review with your not so humble opinion!
My Not So Humble Opinion 